Election 2000 Definitions

Election 2000 Definitions

Disenfranchised Voter: Person who registered to vote, went to the polls, got his ballot,
screwed it up (or thought he did, or was afraid he might have but wasn't really sure, or
voted for two candidates for President, or got a call after he got home from a Direct
Marketing Firm hired by the Democrats), didn't ask for another one despite Florida
allowing him up to three, left the polling place, and then claimed his "voice wasn't heard."

Intimidation: Presence of a police officer, for any reason whether related to the
election or not, anywhere near a polling place.

Will of the People: Something that a Republican victory in this election does not, by
definition, recognize.

Electoral College: An outmoded and outrageous method devised by the founding fathers
to keep the will of the people (see above) from being heard."

"Get out the Vote" Campaign: Free cigarettes for homeless people in Milwaukee,
keeping the polls open in St. Louis in direct violation of an appeals court order.

Recount: Something that is done as many times as necessary, but only in very specific
places, until the desired Democratic victory is obtained.

Machine Tabulation: Something that was previously held to be more accurate than
counting ballots by hand, but suddenly is less accurate than previously thought.

Illegal ballot: Ballot that was used in previous elections in Palm Beach County, designed
by a Democrat, approved by Democrats, sent to both campaigns for approval with no
comments received, and declared legal by the Secretary of State of Florida. No
complaints filed from previous elections. Desired candidate did not win, so ballot became
illegal. In previous Democratic victories, desired candidate won, so ballot was legal.

Right to Vote: What was not deemed important for 143,000 people in Florida in the 1996
election whose ballots were thrown out, but became important in this election for moral,
not partisan, reasons.

Valid Ballot: (Palm Beach County only) Ballot with two or more votes for president, or
with stray marks which might have signaled a voter's intent to cast a ballot for the
Democratic candidate. Most often cast by disenfranchised voters.

Zero: Maximum number of possible votes for Pat Buchanan in Palm Beach County.

Thug: You've seen the players on TV -- who is it that looks, and acts, like a thug? The
acorn never falls very far from the tree.

Confused Voter: Anyone in Palm Beach County who voted for anyone besides the
Democratic candidate.

Suspicious: The fact that the Republican candidate could possibly win the election in a
state in which his brother is the sitting, and extremely popular, Governor.

Religious Fanatic: Any candidate who mentions God and his religion during the
Presidential campaign. Used only of Republican candidates.

Disaster: (NOW definition) What is in certain store for women, minorities, the elderly,
and children if Bush is declared the winner.

Right-Wing Agenda: What Bush, if declared President, will somehow be able to force
through an evenly divided Congress populated almost exclusively by moderates of both
parties.

Supreme Court Appointee: Far-right wing judge, the approval of which Bush, if elected
President, will somehow be able to force through an evenly divided Senate populated
almost exclusively by moderates of both parties.

Jumping the Gun: Any discussions held by the Republican candidate with his senior
advisors in order to begin transition planning in the event he becomes President-elect.
(See also Irresponsible.)

Popular Vote: Total of all votes cast for President in all states, in which the candidates
are separated by a statistically insignificant margin. Despite this, it is used to justify the
statement that the will of the people (see above) was not heard. Facts, like the fact
that the polls in the Western U.S. were open for many hours after the media predicted a
Gore victory, and that many Republicans in California may not have bothered to vote
after hearing about the Gore landslide in California, are not a factor. Gore won the
popular vote, so if he is not made President (the electoral college be darned), the voice
of the people has not been heard.

Embarrassing: Democratic candidate who fails to win his own home state, the home
state of the sitting President, and West Virginia.

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