Have you ever been alongside someone who died? I haven't. I lost my dad in June of 2001 and my mom in November of 2006. I was not able to be with them when they passed-- due to my being in NC and they in Texas. But frankly, the notion kind of spooks me. My in-laws have moved here. Both are in their 70s and have health issues ongoing. And my wife's 92 YO grandmother lives with them, too. I'd appreciate hearing of people's experiences with this. I have an eye and ear toward preparing myself for what seems to be coming over the next couple of years.
Never seen the actual expiration, but was there a few hours prior....with my mom. Gut wrenching to this day.......still hurts some 5 years later. DD
yep, i was there when they "pulled the plug" on my uncle a few years ago. as a matter of fact, i was the one that gave the go ahead. hardest decision of my life, to say the least. the family put the burden on me b/c they felt i was the closest to him. i certainly miss him but i don't regret doing it. i couldn't stand to see him in that condition and i felt that he would have wanted us to "let him go."
My paternal grandfather was lucky enough to have all of our family around when he passed. My father and his 6 brothers and sisters, their spouses and about 15 of we 27 grandkids. We grandkids said our goodbyes and then my dad and his brothers and sisters were there with my grandma when they took Grandpa off the respirator and he took his last breath. It was actually much better that way for me... mainly because I was there to say goodbye. For my other grandparents I wasn't at the hospital because I was too young.
I was in my Grandfather's room when he died, and watched him take his last breath. What was amazing to me, is that while all of his last breaths were slow and labored, everyone in the room knew which was his last. He had fought Parkinson's for 20 years, and having a peaceful death was a blessing. He seemed relieved.
The best advice i could give to you is to enjoy their company while they are alive. Prepare for the worst but thinking about those things now won't make the mourning process any shorter...or easier.
Yes, but part of my concern is my wife and my 6- and 8-YO daughters who face losing this critical part of their family one after another. I don't want to be morbid about it but I don't see a way around it either...
I can't imagine the pain of losing a parent. I try to think ahead to a time when they won't be there and it always makes me pick up the phone. Still, as sad as death is, for most of human history age expectancy was what, 30? Even now, life is still too short to learn as much as we would like to. Still, I'll gladly take 75 years thinking about all the 30s that were or even all the people who never got to live to begin with. Hell, I could make a baby right now.... and right now... and now... not now... but now. But I won't (hopefully). What odds did we beat just being born to begin with? How many gametic combos in each "climactic moment"?
Yes. The human will is an unpredictable thing. There's a lot medicine can't explain that even it's practitioners take for granted. Always talk to them even if you think they can't hear you.
offtopic. do you regret not being by your parents' side when they passed? I'm only 22, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if my mom passed and not be by her side
I was at my Father's side when he died of cancer and a few years later my Mother remarried and her next husband also died of cancer and I was also their. At the time I was so worried about my Mother and my (at the time) 15 yr old brother, that I think I repressed my own feelings for a while (it didn't really hit me until I was home alone). I'm not sure I can put the why into words -- but I'm glad I was there. As far as your kids. Some of the most balanced people I know faced pain and dealt with it in a healthy way as children.
Cesar Geronimo is right, your kids will be thankful that they got to know their grandparents and great grandparent before they passed. Those experiences can never be taken away from them. I'll never forget my granny C telling me of a time when you could buy dinner for a nickel and having to work multiple jobs to support her children, all the while dealing with rampant discrimination. Strong women. That's all i think about now. I mourn the abscence of her life, not her death. The same goes for my father or any other lost loved ones.
Yes and No. My dad died suddenly at 4 AM. They woke him up to take his vitals. During this process the nurse stepped out of the room to her work station and when she came back 30 seconds later he had died. I had no choice there. I was the last person to talk to my mom. We had moved her into an assisted living facility which she was finally adapting to. I had the habit of calling her at least once every day. On this particular day, I called her up about 5:30 and she answered all bright and cheery but out of breath. I kidded her about running to answer the phone. She said no she wasn't running but that she was short of breath and joked herself "I don't think I'm having a heart attack or anything..." Though she had no history of heart trouble, I told her to ring for help and step out into the hall ... and I would call her back in two minutes. I did but no one answered. I don't know exactly what happened but I later found out that she had been found laying on the floor in her bathroom. They took her to the hospital and put her on life support. She never showed any kind of awareness nor regained consciousness. It was made clear by the doctors after a few hours that she was beyond their help and it was only a matter of when. Even on life support her vitals were dropping. I decided that I wanted my last recollection of her to be of her cracking a joke about not having a heart attack rather than of seeing her on life support. I had a choice and made the one I did. I kind of feel like in a way I was sufficiently with my mom when she died. I was probably the last person she heard, too.
I have not experienced this first hand. I think I will handle it quite poorly. I have had several relatives die and what I have noticed in my own behavior is I feel I have some kind of detachment disorder when it comes to family members passing (albeit noone in my immediate family has passed). I've lost all my grandparents and an uncle from afar. When it happened, it didn't feel real to me because I wasn't there...even though I know they are gone forever. I didn't really cry much if any. I really did feel detached from it...almost as if it was someone else's family. I believe that is my way of coping. I mean...I could watch a very sad scene in a movie and cry...but call me on the phone to tell me so-and-so passed...and I can't even muster much of any tears at all. I guess you could call it denial-detachment disorder. Even alone...I couldn't muster much of anything in the way of mourning. I felt horrible that I lost a relative...but since it was far away from me...it was like it wasn't happening to me and mine. To this day, I feel guilty that this is how I tend to deal with death in the family. It leaves me wondering how I will handle my immediate family and one of them passing...assuming I'm not the one. I think if I do get hit by the full burden of it...then I might end up passing myself because the grief will consume me. I also know that when I lose my pets...I will cry like a baby because...to me...that is real and they are around me day-to-day. The rest of my family is at a distance, i.e. I see family maybe once a month...so this somehow puts my mindset into position of almost grieving from afar. I can tell you I do not feel like I am emotionally sound as a person. I feel like there is a switch inside me...that once flipped...could mean the end of me.
I watched my father in law take his last breaths as katrina was hitting new Orleans. He had been struggling with cancer and I was glad to see him pass and not have to suffer any longer.
My grandmother died in our house and I was holding her hand when it happened. Very sad. It was very relieving though because she had been in so much pain. She had ovarian cancer and i basically spread everythere and it blocked all her intestines so she couldn't eat and bleh . . . It was weird but I wouldn't have not been there since I was so close to her. Some of my uncles and other grandparents that I cared for, but wasn't as close to, I chose not to be there.
I don't think my parents handled death in our family very well. My paternal grandfather died when I was about six (I didn't know him well) in a family home and I used to be terrified of that room. I never met my paternal grandmother; she died when my dad was about two. My maternal grandmother died when I was nine and we kids were not part of anything: no viewing, no service, no funeral. My maternal grandfather was estranged from my mother so we never saw him past the age of 10 or so. I did once on my own....
I felt my dad's last breaths and heartbeat with my hand on his chest. I'd much rather know it was coming like I did. Can't imagine just getting a call out of the blue. Anyway, you'll know what to do when it happens.
All this death talk is getting me really sad. It's summer, we should all be outside throwing frisbees.
