Has anyone ever gone or know of anyone who's gone? Most of the stories I've heard indicate that it really doesn't help. What I'm afraid of is her having a list of mistakes that I've made and I don't have that. Not that they're not there by any means, but I simply don't keep a laundry list of instances where she's been in the wrong to throw back in her face like she does. I don't want to waste my time going through that if it's all going to be for naught. I'd rather just end it and move on. Thanks.
Sorry to hear that. I know what you mean. I will look for these replies, too . Last time I did it, we went to a priest at the church. He was very good, good listener, motivated us to be good. Then, later, he got fired for being gay. The same old problems have come up, in my house, 4 years later.
I'm also typing out of anger. I don't really want to burden people I typically talk to about this right now, especially since chances are we won't get divorced. I don't want to say anything about my wife that would lead others that really know her to think any different about her. I'm just extremely frustrated with things right now and am starting to wonder if I made the right decision.
If you don't have a laundry list of things to complain about it, do you have one big thing that pushed you over? Or is it just an accumulation of things over the years that has been weighing on you?
Well, you could've waited a bit before getting married. That said: I would definitely try counseling before ending it. It may help, and it may not. But in the end, you'll know you at least tried to keep your marriage intact. IOW, it will either: 1) Get your marriage back on track and you'll both be happier that you have a better understanding of each others needs. Or 2) It will help with closure on both your ends in knowing that you tried to keep the marriage together. Either way, I don't see how it could hurt.
There's really not a laundry list or anything and we've only been married for a year (though together for three). We bicker a lot, but we're typically over it very quickly. We've never had a fight that's left us upset at each other for more than a day. Unfortunately, sometimes when we fight, she'll bring up something I did two years ago and then that will just infuriate me more. It's something from two years ago that she's been able to store away and while I know she did things that pissed me off then (and since), once I'm over it, I'm over it. I'd probably have a hard time telling you about something we fought about two weeks ago, much less two years ago. From what I've heard about couples counseling, it's a lot like that.
Man, I know exactly where you are coming from. We've gone through some real difficult times over the last year in my marriage. She went to counseling on her own and it helped a lot, and although things are quite a bit better now, I've been thinking of doing the same just because I'm not sure I've dealt with everything in the best way. Feel free to email me if you want to discuss it outside of the bbs.
Well, ****... that's all marriages man. Sorry to the women on this board, but that's what women do! They bring up old crap. They have memories like elephants when it comes to that. Happens to me all the time. Plus, your first year of marriage is the hardest. Even if you were together before this is something different and you still have to go through an adjustment period. The question is whether or not you guys are willing to make those compromises that make a marriage work. Noone is 100% compatible and marriage is totally about compromises. If that particular thing she does bothers you so much, then wait until you're not fighting anymore and bring it up nicely. Tell her how much it bothers you. And then expect it to keep on happening. It's a habit and she can't change that quickly. Be patient and keep on reminding her. For the first few years I would always throw things when we got into arguments. I learned it from my dad. But my wife so hated that. It's 9 years later and I still have that urge but haven't thrown much in a while. Hope that helps. Try the counseling.
I love my wife, and she is a bible thumper while I am agnostic I guess or lost or something...point is here is some good scripture: 1 Corinthians 13-5 Love keeps no records of wrong. Not that we always follow it, and I don't use this as a weapon against her...but sometimes it's nice to pull out in a fight and read that passage. God's rules. Some practical advice is to sleep on it. If you wake up and you're angry and frustrated everyday, then I don't know....we're just over a year now and we've had a lot of moments...sometimes it's a couple of days, but most of the time things subside and even though there are always side issues and things we both try to work on, we're happy together, and that's the bottom line. I've had that doubt at times too...but if it goes too far, the regret and pain could be far worse.
All, Thanks guys. The reason I even bring this up is because she really wants to do couples counseling. I'm sure it'll help and that her bringing out her list will just give me the opportunity to let her know how hurtful that is in a controlled setting sans yelling and all that.
My marriage counselor is the backyard patio bar I built. The bickering and stuff will always be there. It's a road to nowhere. My philosophy is that you just need more good times than bad to balance it all out. Margaritas and a cd of old tv theme songs seem to work wonders. Or maybe I'm just lucky someone will actually tolerate me. Good luck.
That's great, man. We have things like that too. It's just been annoying lately because everytime we bicker or have a fight, she brings up the counseling. I guess part of me thinks are we really at that point? Won't the counselor just laugh at us whenever we tell her our story?
Pretty much. I'm still paying for sins I committed before we even started dating. At some point you have to move from newlyweds to partners, friends, whatever you want to call it... the baseline love should still be there, but the igniting kind of courtship love waxes and wanes throughout a marriage and cannot sustain it alone. If you end up going to counseling, I suspect you'll both find that in spite of the issues worth arguing over, the baseline love is still there and can be built upon. I don't know of any married couples that don't find themselves at the precipice every now and then. I'm a fairly oblivious guy and I know I've been there at least three times and my wife might say it's more. Regardless, we've always figured out we still love each other, pulled back, renegotiated the relationship if needed, and carried on. These episodes seem to be followed by a round of heightened courtship type love where you get recharged for the next cycle. Hang in there... marriage is hard damn work.
Ditto. And I might add, it seems like women hold grudges longer then men. I've seen my wife hold a grudge against a friend over something stupid. Me, I've been in fights with friends and then laughed about it the next day.
RM95, did you live together during those two years? It seems like yesterday that you were going on your honeymoon... hate to hear about your troubles. My wife and I lived together, off and on, for 4 years prior to getting married. I think it helped a lot, because we knew each other damned well when we took the "plunge." As has been pointed out, marriages go through ups and downs, and sometimes the downs can be pretty serious. We've had some of those ourselves, along with some periods when sleeping together just didn't seem like it ought to be, like it usually was. We found that the best cure was to go on a vacation together, even if just for a weekend, to a really nice hotel, with a great pool and hot tub, a great bed, and in an area with great places to eat. We'd eat, drink, (or whatever... balconies are good for that!), and have sex. A lot. If the place has great sunsets, so much the better. We never went through any counseling, although it certainly helps some people. After more than a couple of decades, she's still my best friend, and the sex is better than ever. (Blade Runners have a thing about sex... we like it, and as often as possible! ) Good luck!
Yeah, we lived together most of that time. I think that's defintely helped. Our thing is eating good, drinking good, and have sex.
Best to sort it out now, because once you have kids, you'll be arguing over them on top of your other baggage.
