A friend of mine called me today. He is upset because his ex-wife called and said that she was planning on having their 6YO daughter's name changed to the surname of her new husband. They share Joint Custody with her having Primary Physical Custody. My friend's ex- is mentally unstable. She is medicated and has been hospitalized on more than one occasion. Because of this, he has tiptoed around the edges of some of these custody issues so as to avoid backlash on his daughter. His daughter says she only indicated an interest in the name-change so that "no one would be mad at her." She is obviously being pushed in this direction by her mom and stepdad. However, the name issue has him up against the wall. This girl will probably be his only child and he hates the idea of her name being changed away from his. Anyone have any experience with this kind of matter? Suggestions?
I asked for and got my name changed when my mom remarried. No one pushed me into it; I was too young to understand the significance of such things. When that marriage failed, I returned to the name of my father; my mom returned to her maiden name. I would have changed my name back as soon as I got old enough to figure it all out. I found out much later how much I hurt my dad, who I always had a very close, loving relationship with. I rarely think of it today. I really wish either of my parents had put their foot down with a firm "no." I've never really forgiven myself for that. My advice? Tell your friend to put his foot down. Be kind. Be gentle. But stand firm.
I agree -- be firm with the wife gentle with the child. This is worth putting your foot down -- my child would not be using another man's name! What happens in 2 years when that marriage falls apart? Then she'll change it back?
This happened to a friend of mine, he did not take it well, but decided not to fight it out because it would damage his daughter's childhood if the family was constantly fighting things out in court. His ex did it to spite him, too. Either way, with the facts given, we're only hearing one side of the story, we don't know what the daughter thinks and we don't know if the mother and stepfather are doing it for the right reasons.
I think this would be a bigger issue with a son. A daughter will likely change her name when she gets married anyway, so it is not likely that the name will be passed to another generation.
Wouldn't this be covered under the provision of joint custody? From a layman's point of view, doesn't that mean that they have to agree on major considerations? His -ex has been very unreasonable and is trying to exclude him. For example, the daughter wanted to play soccer, so my friend with the mother's consent signed her up for a soccer league. In the end the girl was only allowed to play on weekends that she was with my friend. Her mother wouldn't take her to games on her weekends or even allow my friend to pick his daughter up and convey her to games. He has his daughter on Wednesday overnight and every other weekend and on all other "agreed-upon times." The problem is that they virtually never agree upon other times unless the ex- is in a pinch over something. It's totally one way where they reject virtually all (I want to say ALL) of his requests for time with his daughter unless it bails the -ex out of some situation. Case in point-- the soccer league. He has to go to school during the day to spend more time with his daughter. This woman has an older daughter with her first husband. The language of the custody agreement is identical, yet that husband faces none of these hurdles. There is something sour here and I'm not sure what it is. My friend is a doting father and is is no way negligent about his daugher. My two daughters and I get together with them once a month or so to play.
Aren't most exs? My ex had a another kid after we got divorced, she didn't care for the father and so she was going to give him my last name, I was pissed. She ended up giving him her maiden name.
I think more damage could be done by ignoring it. The daughter does not need to go to or even know about the court procedings (she's only 6). A six year old really doesn't understand the implications of this decision -- but it will affect her identity and how she relates to her father. I don't really think there are "right reasons" to do this. The name is part of her connection (symbolically) to who she is -- to her father. That is a very important connection. I think this issue is big.
I think this is a huge issue and I would fight it to the ends of the earth. My kids would never ever in a million years not have my last name.
This is key because the mother seems to want to do whatever she can to diminish her daughter's time and relationship with my friend.
Giddyup, Tell your friend to stop catering to his ex-wife's needs, and stand up to her. This is his child too..... No way in HADES, I would let a 6 year old change her name to reflect a new step dad. NO WAY JOSE ! DD
I'd fight it. it probably sounds silly, but changing her name sort of eliminates the father from existing in her life on a level. Of course he still has her DNA, but now people will think her stepdad is her real father, etc. It's like the half of her that came from the father (ok scientifically not half but you know what I mean) was washed away. I think that would be extremely hurtful. Fight it to the end.
Also, make sure he sits his daughter down and explains how important a last name is BEFORE he tells his ex. Explain that he loves her, and that he is her dad, forever, and that her name and his name are the same for a reason. He is proud that she is his daughter, and the name is just one important thing they share. Then explain that he is going to tell her mom, no. DD
I agree. Explaining it to her in a way that emphasizes how her name is is what shows that she's his daughter and that he loves her so much, etc. would probably be something she'd understand if you kept it at her level.
Generally speaking (not necessarily to this particular instance), there are "right" reasons for a child to have the custodial parent's last name. It makes things easier with respect to having the same last name as your parents for schools, travelling, etc. Young children may be made to feel "different" if all of their friends have the same last name as their parents and they don't. They may have to explain things to kids when asked "why". It may cause embarassment. There are valid reasons to do so, but they obviously don't apply to every situation so it is not a decision that should be made out of spite or defiance.
Ditto We know the Courts Always Favor the Mom but Men have GOT TO FIGHT these things Until Men stand up for their Rights this bullsh*t will continue! Rocket River
There may be practical convenience reasons to change the name, but except in cases where the father is a dirtbag I don't think they outweigh the hurt that it can cause the father.
