I have a 15 year old son who is at the point in his life where he won't let me tell him anything. The latest was that he didn't want me to tell him that he had to do his homework but that my wife could becuse she has a college degree and I don't. He's a pretty good ball palyer and I coached him for a while in the fundementals, now he says that I don't really know what I'm talking about because I haven't played B-ball since I was in high school. I understand it's just his way of trying to be the alpha male but it really sucks. We really don't talk much anymore, as much as I would love to. I'd love to here from other fathers who are going through the same thing and or have already gone down that road. Thanks!
cmiller, my son is 11 and we have a great communicative relationship. I'd like to learn from your experience. If you don't mind, can you describe how your relationship with your son evolved? Was your relationship good in the past and then went downhill? Were there signs of trouble that you can look back and remember? Was there a major incident, series of events or friends, etc that got things off track? I don't have any advice for you but would like to learn from your experience. Please educate me if you don't mind. If you don't want to, that's fine.
i'm not a father, but i was a teen once and i went through the same thing where i threw everything my dad taught me back at him and majorly disrespected him. later on i saw the error of my ways, and asked him how he handled it when I was that age. He told me that it was a part of me growing up (son overcoming the father, etc.) and that he trusted that the job he did with me before I was a teenager would see thing through. He was absolutely right. He gave me my space, but made it clear that he was there to talk to me whenever I wanted. There were times I didnt respect him but I always knew that he was tehre for me, a fact that I remembered very clearly once I got over myself
I've always had an awesome relationship with my sons. My youngest is 11 also. I've always been a very involved father, pretty strict, but we've always had fun. My oldest changed about a year ago, but really over the last 6 months. He's an awesome kid, really smart, handsome, athletic, insightful, etc. Over the past 6 months, all we do is seem to but heads on just about everything. It's really been hard to say the least. Logically I know this is part of him growing up and becoming a man, but boy does it suck! Between school, his girlfriend, sports, bass guitar, we don't have much time together. We don't even watch Rocket or Texan games together anymore, which used to be a given. Most of that I chalk up to him having his own agenda, which I understand. What really bothers me is that although I'm extremely successful in my own right, he talks to me as if I'm a loser. He knows I dropped out of high school and got into trouble. I retired Air Force and am the Chief of Security for a mjor financial institution and have made a great life for my family. He's a very high acheiver and has taken the route of looking down (he's 6'1", I'm 5'9") at me. I'm sure someday, he'll think I'm great, but right now I can't do anything right and it really stings. I know this is temporary, but man is sucks. Thanks for allowing me to vent!
Everyone told me its was coming and I used to laugh at them, saying not my sons. Now I look at dads with little boys and rememeber how sweet mine were and how much they need me for eveything. They are becoming men right before my eyes. Sorry if I depressed you, it's really something that has caught me off guard, I really wasn't expecting it. This to shall pass!
It sounds like a teenager being a teenager. Don't take it personally. It's unfortunate he talks down to you. You can come back at him - when he gets a job that can support and raise a family then he can talk - but you probably don't want to get into it with him. One day the light will go on in his head and he will regret being a jerk.
Does your son have any "cool" uncles that he may look up to????? Being the cool one in my family (mostly coz I'm closer in age) I find that my nieces and nephews listen. Paticularly, my 16 yr old nephew.
My older son is 17, and we've not gone through anything like that yet. I don't know why. He's not been anywhere near perfect, but he hasn't been openly defiant like a lot of kids (and like I was) when he's disciplined. I wish I knew what the trick was, but I think there are just some kids that don't act out for whatever reason and I lucked in to having one. We'll see if my luck continues with my other son (who's currently 13).
well im 18 and i do that with my dad.. my dad and i dont have great communication or a great relationship... but i think thats cause he pushed it too hard... now its diff cause im older and its my choice to not have a good relationship with him.. but when i hit high school originally... he didnt seem to understand i need space... i too played ball and was pretty good and he would come to my games and try to coach me and i HATED it.... my suggestion... back off, let em know ur there for em but lay off of him a little.. let em grow
I have two sons, ages 17 and 14, and we went thru a similar situation with both of them. However, it didn't last very long. My oldest became really defiant when he was 12 or so, trying to act like he knew it all and didn't need me anymore. It was just a phase that he outgrew. He's a senior now, with a job and a girlfriend and a guitar. He doesn't need me anymore. But I think he listened, even though he won't admit it, and deep down he appreciates all those arguments we had over right and wrong. My 14 year old tried to be defiant, but he just doesn't have it in his nature. Once during baseball season, he was in a slump. I tried to coach him thru it, but he thought he knew everything and blew me off. Next game, he went 0-4 with 3 strikeouts. I sat him down and ask him point blank if he wanted me to come to any more of his games. If he knows it all and doesn't need my help, then I wasn't gonna waste another minute of my time going to his games. He realized then that he didn't know it all. He still forgets to listen to me sometimes, but I know how to get thru to him when I need to. They will outgrow it. It just takes a lot of patience on your part.
It's part of growing up, going through puberty, and being a teenager. Just keep trying to be the good father you have been and give him his space. I'm sure it's difficult that he's not your little buddy in terms of you guys doing everything together and buying him happy meals or ice cream for scoring a certain amount of points in a ball game for example and doing other father son activities your so used to. He's at the age where he's going through a lot. The best thing you can do is to guide him.... carefully. Not force him to do this, that, and the other. But at the same time you can't be a pushover as a dad and let him disprespect you and the hard part of that is finding the balance. You push too hard and you may push him out of your life. If you don't push enough then he may turn out to be a F*#^ up. Seems like a good kid but a very privileged kid at the same time. Wait till he starts working or goes off to college and learns to be independant and have some struggles. My guess is that he will start to think more like you and respect you more as he gets older around 20 something (give or take) . My parents tell me all the time how much of a pain in the ass I was at that age. Dont worry too much Cmiller you'll be fine.
My son's only 7, but I had a very rebellious younger brother (11 years younger) who had to go to some school in Oregon because he was out of control. My friends and I had a long talk with my dad right before it, because we were all little hellians, ourselves. IMO, the best way to handle this is to love him unconditionally and let him know it. Then sit him down and explain that for every action, there will be a consequence. For example, if he comes home after curfew, he loses his TV priviledges. Then stick to your guns when it comes to discipline. No yelling or screaming. Don't go down to that level, even when he does. Again, while you are handing out the discipline, make him aware that he knew it would happen. One of the largest faults my friends and I all realized when we were older was that parents tend to make a lot of empty threats, or back down on the discipline because their your boy! Don't back down, and don't get into a fight about it. Very quickly he should realize that you mean what you say, and he'll learn how to behave. At least, that was what 7 of us who were like that at that age figured out about ourselves, in retrospect.
