So, last Easter Sunday there were two old ladies sitting in front of me at church. The service ran long with all the singing and while the pastor was delivering his message one old lady leaned over to the other one and said, "My butt is going to sleep." To which the other old lady replied, "Yeah, I know, I've heard it snore three times now."
This elderly widow woman was doing her lawn. Her cat was walking along the fence she was weed-eating as a car drove by and backfired. The sound of the backfire sounded like a gunshot and as the woman turned to see what happened, the cat fell off the fence getting its tail cut off by the weed-eater. The woman packed the tail in ice and went to the customer service desk at her local wal-mart. She asked if they can reattach the tail and the worker said no... The woman then said, "but I thought wal-mart was the world's largest re-tailer" haaaaaaaaa
A Texas Longhorn, a Baylor Bear, and a Texas A&M Aggie head down to Mexico together for Spring Break. They drive down in the Aggie's car. While in Mexico, the Aggie accidentally runs a stop sign, hits a pedestrian, and kills him. All three of them are arrested. After a sham trial, all three are sentenced to death in the electric chair. Execution day comes. The first one they strap in is the Longhorn. They ask him if he has any last words. "Yes", he says. "I am a law student at UT law school. What you are about to do violates all known international law regarding trial and punishment". The Mexicans throw the switch, and nothing happens. "We can't hold you, for that would be double jeapordy, so we must release you". The next one they strap in is the Baylor Bear. They ask him if he has any last words. "Yes", he says. "I am a student of theology at Baylor University. What you are about to do violates the teachings of Jesus and the beliefs of all religions known to man". The Mexicans throw the switch, and nothing happens. "We can't hold you, for that would be double jeapordy, so we must release you". Finally they strap in the Aggie. They ask him if he has any last words. "Yes", he says. "I am an electical engineering student at Texas A&M University, and if you replace this fuse right here, your chair would work just fine." :grin:
A frog walks into a bank. He walks up to the teller, Patti Whack, and says, "Hi, Patti. My name's Kermit Jagger, my dad is Mick Jagger, and I need a loan." The teller asks him how much, and the frog asks for $100,000. The teller asks for collateral, and the frog pulls a little ceramic elephant out of his pocket. The teller responds, "I don't know about this, I'll have to talk to my manager." The manager comes from the back and after a hearty hug and back slapping with the frog, asks what the problem is. The teller shows the manager the ceramic elephant and asks what it is. The manager says, "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
A cowboy is out riding in the Old West, on a hot dusty trail, when he happens upon an old west town. As he is mighty hot and thirsty, he decides to pull into the town to find something to drink. As he is riding through the town, he notices that the place seems to be empty of people, there is nobody about. He finds the saloon, and enters. The only person in the saloon is the bartender, standing behind the bar, polishing his shot glasses, as bartenders are known to do. The cowboy sidles up to the bar, barkeep says 'Howdy stranger.' Cowboy says, 'Howdy, friend. I'll take a whiskey, if'n it ain't too much trouble.' 'Comin' right up,' the bartender responds, and hands him his drink. The cowboy sips the whiskey for a few moments, then finally says, 'Say, Barkeep, where the heck is everybody in this town? I don't see anyone about.' The bartender pauses a moment, then drawls, 'Well.. I reckon they all will be out at the hangin'.' Cowboy says, 'A hangin', huh?' 'Yup.' 'Who are they hangin'?' Bartender pauses again, then once again drawls out, 'Well, I reckon they're out there a'hangin' ol' Brown Paper Pete.' 'Brown Paper Pete?' the cowboy asks, perplexed at the name. 'Yup.' 'Well that certainly is a strange name, isn't it?' Bartender responds, 'Well.. Ol' Brown Paper Pete is an odd sort, for sure. He had taken t'wearin a brown paper cowboy hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper vest, brown paper pants, and brown paper chaps.' The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then replies, 'Well that is mighty odd behavior for a cowboy.' 'Ayup.' Cowboy thinks about this for a few moments, then says, 'Well, what on earth are they a'hangin' him for?' Barkeep pauses, finishing up the polishing of a shot glass, then finally looks up, and says, 'Rustlin'.' :grin:
What does a Utah Jazz fans do when his team has won the NBA Finals? Spoiler He turns off the nintendo wii
Sid and Mundo were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Sid," asked Mundo, "Are there any Jews in Mexico?" I don't know," Mundo replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Mundo asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Mexican Jews." "Are you sure?" Mundo asked. "I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews." "Are you really sure?" Mundo asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"
A man had hired a local handyman worker to do some odd jobs around the house one day. It was a little after lunch, and the worker comes up to him and says 'I am all done with the flower beds, Mister. Anything else you want me to do?' The man thinks for a bit, and since the day was still young, he says 'Yeah. here, take this can of green paint, and go paint the porch at the front of the house.' 'Okay, I'll do it, no problem.' And he takes the can and disappears around to the front of the house. A couple hours later, he returns, and says 'Ok Mister, I am all done painting, but I got news for you. That ain't a porch, that's a BMW.'
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b**** tonight, Dave."
