One day an Irish man, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Ten years," replies the stunned man. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh Man! Is that good!" And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good bourbon?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!" At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini. "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed. "Get away from me you crazy old man" she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars, he says. "Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated. "No! Get away from me!" "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered. She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!" "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough....and $500 is a lot of money..."Well, OK...but only for a minute." She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel...Then he started saying, "OH MY GOD....OH MY GOD....OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them. Out of curiosity, she asked him "Why do you keep saying, "Oh my god , oh my god ?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD....OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
How many liberals does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Fourteen. One to screw in the lightbulb, three to make sure that the lightbulb complies with EEOC and OSHA regulations, four to offer psychological counseling to the burned-out lightbulb, and six to circulate petitions demanding that electricity be banned and replaced by candles made of organically-grown soy beans.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his ass. The bartender says, "Hey, you know you've got a steering wheel up your ass!" "Arr, I know," the pirate replied, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
A penguin had to take his car for engine repair. The mechanic told the penguin to leave his car with him for about two hours, to find out whats wrong. Since penguins like to be cold he asked the mechanic if there was someplace around he could get some ice cream. The mechanic says ," yeas right across the street." So the penguin goes across the street to a ice cream shop and orders a bowl. The clerk says ,"we don't have bowls, just cones." The penguin was distraught. You know I'd really like some ice cream but us penguins don't have hands, I can't hold a cone. The clerk says " but cones is all we got." So the penguin , really needing a cold ice cream takes the cone under his beak and walks outside to eat it. When the two hours was up the penguin went back to the garage to find out what happened to his car. When the penguin entered the garage, the mechanic looked at him and said, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replied, "NO way, thats vanilla ice-cream!"
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you. She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'' ''Well, I've always had a fantasy to get a blowjob from a nun.'' She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.'' The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!'' The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.'' He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?'' ''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'' The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.''
Hitler, Alexander the Great, and Napoleon are watching the Iraq War. Hitler says, "If I could have just had a couple of those planes, I would have won the war." Alexander says, "If I had just had a few of those tanks, I could have taken India." Napoleon says, "If I had just had Fox News, nobody would ever know I retreated from Russia."
Dirty, but FUNNY: A woman is in a hospital, in a coma. After a few days, her nurse notices that every time she cleans the woman with a sponge around the crotch area, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea not only failed, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what happened. "I'm not sure, but I think she choked."
After having their 12th child, a redneck and his wife from Alabama decided it was time for him to get a vasectomy. So they go to a doctor in Atlanta, and after asking where they were from, said "Put a cherry bomb in a coke bottle and count to ten." The couple didn't believe him, so they went to another doctor in New Orleans, who said the exact same thing. So they go back home to Alabama, and the man gets an empty Coke can, puts a lighted cherry bomb inside, holds the can and starts counting the fingers on his hand. After reaching five, he puts the can between his legs and starts counting on his other hand....
There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy Halloween dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate." The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head, you will really look the part." Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candied apple!"
A hospital administrator was giving a tour of his hospital. As they group walked through the in-patient care unit, they passed a room in which a man was sitting on a bed alone, masturbating furiously. A woman in the group asked the administrator, "What's wrong with that man?" The administrator replied, "He has a rare testicular disorder. If he doesn't ejaculate once every 15 minutes, his testicles will explode." "Oh my!" the woman said. As the group walked on, they passed a room in which a beautiful nurse was kneeling and giving oral sex to a man. The woman in the group again asked the administrator, "Well, what's HIS problem?" The administrator replied, "He has the exact same testicular disorder, but this man has better insurance coverage." -- droxford
