A sandwhich walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a beer, the bartender replies 'sorry, we don't serve sandwhiches' LOLOLOLOLOOMGOMGOMOGMGOMROFLROFROFLROFLROFL
A man walks into a bar with a monkey riding on his shoulder. He sits down and orders a beer. While the guy is sitting there, drinking his beer, his monkey grabs a peanut from the peaunt bowl, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and then eats it. He does this several more times, much to the disgust of the other bar patrons. After a while, the bartender tells the guy he has to leave and take his nasty monkey with him. The next day, the same routine plays out. The guy comes in with his monkey, the monkey grabs a peanut, sticks it up his butt and then eats it. After a couple more peanuts, again the bartender kicks the man and his monkey out. On the third day, the man again comes in with his monkey. After one more peanut up the butt and then eating it, the bartender comes up to the man and says, "Sir, you keep coming in here with that monkey and disturbing my customers. That's disgusting. Why does he do that?" The man replied, "Well, we were in here last week and he swallowed a pool ball, so now he checks everything for size."
There were two penguins floating on a small iceberg in the middle of the ocean. All of the sudden the iceberg split in two, separating the two penguins. The two pieces begin floating away from each other. They drifted further and further apart. Finally, when they could barely see each other at the edge of the horizon, one penguin shouted to the other, "Chocolate Milk!"
At a bar outside a lumberjack camp in Alaska, about 40 lumberjacks are drinking on their day off. As they get drunker, they begin boasting about the size of their penises. After several minutes of this, the bartender yells out "THAT'S IT!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!! ALL OF YOU AT THE BAR DROP YOUR TROUSERS NOW!! WE ARE GOING TO MEASURE WHO IS THE BIGGEST LUMBERJACK IN THE CAMP!!!!" All 40 guys drop trou and lay their meat on the bar. The bartender begins measuring each one and writing down the measurements on a piece of paper. About halfway through the process, the only gay lumberjack in the camp enters the bar and goes to order a drink. The bartender looks up from his measuring duties and says "Can I help you"? The gay lumberjack says...."Well, I was going to have a Singapore Sling, but I think I'll go for the buffet instead!"
Here's another good one..... Osama Bin Laden is walking around his hideout cave in Pakistan when he spots a brass lamp on the ground. He picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. "Oh thank you for releasing me from the lamp, Master", says the Genie. "I will now grant you one wish. Anything you want, Master". Osama replies...."I am in the middle of Jihad with the United States and Israel. I have no time for your silly wishes." The Genie says "Oh PLEASE Master! If you do not let me grant you one wish, I must spend the next thousand years inside of the lamp". Osama looks down, and then says "Alright! Alright! I will make a wish. I wish to wake up tomorrow morning with three American women in my bed:. The Genie replies "Yes Master. So it shall be done. Thank you master. Thank you!". The next morning, Osama wakes up, and there are three American women in his bed. The women are Lorena Bobbit, Tanya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. Osama's d*ck was cut off, both his kneecaps were broken, and he had no health insurance whatsoever.
A guy's panhandling outside a bar. Patron in a suit walks out, & is asked for money. Suit says: "'Neither a borrower, nor a lender be.' - William Shakespeare." Bum thinks for a sec & replies: "'**** you.' - David Mamet."
A guy is out of town on business. After dinner, he decides to go to a bar and have a few drinks. He is really not thinking and goes into The Ramrod, unaware it is a gay bar. He sits down at the bar, looks around, figures it out and decides "What the hell, I'll have a few beers. After 3 beers, he has to go pee. He goes into the bathroom and takes one of the lined up urinals. He notices the guy next to him is looking at the guy on the other side. He says, "Man, you must have had a rough one last night." The other guy asks "Why do you say that?" The guy says, "Well, you've got a bandage on your thing, there." Other guy says, "Oh, that's not a bandage. That's "The Patch." I'm down to two butts a day!"
I'm sure you get this joke all the time but im kinda new. I have 6 hot girl roomates, am a model, professor, born by a virgin, a boxer, pull myself across a table at one, turned down a girl that eventually became a super model, won a bar fight against 3 guys and have won numerous awards on CF.net..
A priest, a minister and a rabbi in a small boat on a lake. The priest says"I'm thirsty, I'm going ashore to get a soda". He steps off the boat and walks on water to the dock, got himself a soda and returns to the boat. The minister says" I'm also thirsty, I need to get me a soda too". He steps off the boat and walks on water to the dock, got himself a soda and returns to the boat. The rabbi at this time feeling thirsty himself says" I'll get me soda too". He steps off the boat and promptly drowns. The priest says to the minister"Damn, we forgot to tell him where the rocks were!".
A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar filled with $10 bills. He figures there must be thousands in there. So the guy asks the bartender what the jar is about and the bartender tells him that if anyone can do 3 specific things, they get all the money in the jar. He asked what 3 things but the bartender tells him he has to put in $10 first to find out. So the guy pays and the bartender tells him "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a bulldog out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90-year old woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, even though I already gave you $10, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening barking and thumping, then some yelps, and then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says, "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Three midgets sit around a bar and contemplate their boring lives. Suddently, they collectively have an idea: They all wish to be in the Guinness Book of World Records. All three travel to the Guinness Book of World Records world headquarters in their quest to be certified. The first midget goes in to meet with the auditors over the claim of having the smallest adult male hands in the world. He emerges gleefully, having been certified has having the smallest hands in the world. The second midget goes in to meet with the auditors over the claim of having the smallest adult male feet in the world. He too emerges gleefull, having been certified has having the smallest adult male feet in the world. The third midget goes in to meet with the auditors over the claim of having the smallest adult penis in the world. He emerges, quite angry, and says " .................... (anyone want to hear the punch line?)
A pool salesman, Hal, had to travel cross country for a meeting with one of his suppliers. This entailed leaving his wife, Vanessa, alone for about four days. This worried Hal, since he had caught Vanessa eyeing men on and off for the last couple of months. He decided to go down to the mall. They had this neat little sex shop there were he could buy her some sort of playtoy, in hopes of diverting her sexual energy. The next day he went there on his lunchbreak. He opens the door and is met immediately by a little Chinese man "Hewwo, how may I hep you?" "I'm going out of town next week, and I don't trust my wife by herself. What can you give me to occupy her while I am gone, so she doesn't find another man?" The little man thinks a second, and then his face lights up,"Oh! I have perfect cure for woman who be horny!" He goes back through a beaded curtain, and returns a minute later with a dusty, gray shoe-like box, grinning from ear to ear. "This exactly what you need." Hal looks at the box, so far unimpressed. The little man opens the box and moves over a bit into the light. Hal peers inside, and sees what looks like an ordinary dildo. "What's so special about that? I can get that anywhere," Hal says. The little man's grin gets even bigger. "No, No, silly American, this Voodoo dick." "Voodoo dick. What the hell is Voodoo dick?" Says Hal "You watch closely," replies the little man, and then exclaims "Voodoo dick, the door!" And to Hal's amazement, the dildo slowly levitates out of the box, and heads for the door. When it gets to the door, it lunges back and forth and back and forth at it, reducing it to splinters until nothing is left of it. It then returns to the box and floats gently inside. After witnessing this, Hal, in total amazement, says, "I must have it! It's perfect! How much is it?" "Two thousand dollar," says the little man. "Two thousand! That's highway robbery!" says Hal. "OK, Mr., if you no want..." "No No, OK, I'll take it," concedes Hal. "Good," says the little man. "Will that be cash or VISA?" "Sheesh....." says Hal. Hal gets home that evening, and his wife meets him at the door. "What's in the box?" asks Vanessa. "Oh nothing" says Hal. "Please tell me. Please please please...." "OK, it's for you, a special present." Hal says, and opens the box. Vanessa glances inside and sees the dildo. "Hal! I already have....oops, I mean, gee what is it?" "It's a Voodoo dick! When I'm gone, and you get real horny, just open this box, and say 'Voodoo dick - my p*ssy.' and you'll be completely satisfied" Hal says. "Hmmm....what will happen?" asks Vanessa "You'll see....you'll see...." Two days later, Hal's on his trip. Vanessa is getting real horny. She thinks, "Gee, that man that cleans pools for Hal might be interested...nah I'll try out this Voodoo dick thingamabob." She goes and gets the box, opens it up, and peers inside. She sets the box down, and gets undressed and sits back on the bed. She reaches part way into the box, and thinks for a moment, and draws her hand back out. "Voodoo dick! My p*ssy!" she says. Voodoo dick floats out of the box, and heads right for her crotch. It gets to her, and enters her, lunging back and forth. She lays back on the bed, thinking that this is the most incredible thing she has ever seen, or *felt*. She has one orgasm, two, three, and it's still going. How does she get it to stop? Four...five...Oh gees, she thinks, I have to get this thing to stop. She gets up, starts for the phone, then thinks. "Nah, I'll have to drive to the hospital, they'll know how to stop it." She puts a dress on, gets the keys to her car, and heads out, all the while Voodoo dick is still going at her. She's in the car driving down the road, having her sixth, no seventh orgasm, trying to concentrate on the road. She looks in her mirror and sees flashing red and blue. "Oh ****. A damn cop." She pulls over slowly. The cop walks up to the car "Good evening, may I see your licence, proof of insurance, and registration please?" "S-s-sure officer....it's r-r-r-right h-h-here" She hands it to him. "Have you been drinking tonight lady?" "N-n-n-no I haven't O-o-o-officer. I have to get t-t-to the h-h-hospital." "Are you sick? What's the problem?" the cop says. "I have a Voodoo dick in my p*ssy that won't come out." "A WHAT?" the cop asks again. "A Voodoo dick.....p-p-p-please..." The cop thinks about it for a second. Now he's seen it all, he thinks. He looks at her, and says, "VOODOO DICK MY ASS!"
Hahahaha.....I thought about saying something similar but had already used my MacBeth joke for the day
heh it doesn't quite have the same affect online as it does in a bar, drinking and with unsuspecting friend being thrown into the punchline
