Bernard Hopkins Maxim Magazine Interview (Hilarious!!!)

Bernard Hopkins

This month the WBC, WBA, and IBC middleweight champion of the World pummels your most twisted and perverted questions.

Maxim, February 2005

Q. Bernard, can I wear a striped tie with a striped suit or shirt?
—Peter Christensen, St. Louis, MO
A. What kind of sissy question is that? No way! That’s just too many stripes. If nothing else, at least the pants should be solid. Without that, there is just too much going on to please the eye.

Q. My younger brother just graduated from college and wants to move in with me. How do I keep him from doing it?
—Joe Caputo, College Park, MD
A. You always have to offer your home to family, but you can try to discourage him. Make all kinds of excuses, like you snore, and you’re a slob—anything. Say something like, “You don’t want to live here, man. I don’t even want to live here.” Or say, “I’m gay.” You gotta say things that he’ll disapprove of. Piss him off to the point where he’s like, “You’re right, man, I’d rather sleep on the street.”

Q. My girlfriend says she needs time to herself. What do I do?
—Jack Mycoff, Grand Rapids, MI
A. If you love her, pursue her. But there are some signs to look out for. If she takes all her bras and panties, be wary—somebody else may be giving her the bang. The bang is vicious! The bang makes women change guys.

Q. My girlfriend loves dancing, but she’s horrible. What should I do?
—Danny Noonan, Boston, MA
A. If people can’t dance, you can’t really teach ’em. Here’s what you do: Wait for a slow song where she can feel comfortable. Then try a few more steps. If you can’t stand another minute of the embarrassment, take her home and practice with her. Say something like, “The other dance you were doing was cool, but this is the cabbage patch. You can’t do this.”

Q. How do I deal with a woman that wants to tie me up in the bedroom?
—Charlie Roseland, New York, NY
A. Tie her up! Never let a woman tie you up. That puts you at a disadvantage, because you might get poked somewhere you don’t want to be poked. And hide the video camera!

Q. What is the proper suit to wear to a job interview?
—Ryan Hannah, Hicksville, NY
A. I like three buttons. It’s a good suit. But if you’re talking about a business situation, then go for the two buttons. Conservative—not loud. You don’t want to look like a pimp. Conservative, but classy. I like pinstripe suits for the same reason: They make a bold statement, but they’re classy at the same time. And I always button both buttons.

Q. My wife and I have threesomes with friends of hers, but I’m only allowed to watch. What should I do?
—Joe Johnston, Detroit, MI
A. Go to the store and grab a dildo so you can satisfy everybody. When there are threesomes, problems arise because both women are thinking, Who’s gonna get the pipe? So you must make sure that it’s fair and everyone’s satisfied. Threesomes are always about who gets the pipe first. That’s what it’s all about.

Q. What’s the best way to find out if my girlfriend’s cheating on me?
—Brian Spilner, Van Nuys, CA
A. The sounds—that’s the key. The sound they make, don’t make, or used to make prior to an orgasm. It’s something you’ve got to listen for. Everyone has different sounds when they’re with different people, so if she gives you the wrong orgasm sounds, you’ve got a problem. If she usually says, “Oooooo!” and now she’s saying, “Eeeeee!” then somebody’s been meddling in your business. The other way to find out if your girlfriend’s cheating on you is to pay attention to the tightness.

Q. My girlfriend and I have been together 10 months, but she just found Jesus and won’t have sex again until we get married. What do I do?
—Dominic Torretto, Queens, NY
A. Dress up like Jesus. I’d do all the religious stuff. I’d get sandals, I’d get the fig leaf, and I’d use all of it to part the Red Sea.

Q. How do I deal with a roommate with terrible body odor?
—B. Owens, Elizabeth, NJ
A. Just make sure that every time he’s around, you’re spraying. Lysol cans should be everywhere. Or use those little Christmas trees. Hang ’em on everything: his doorknob, his shoes, his deodorant. If you start hanging ’em around enough, he’ll get the message.

Q. I made out with my best friend’s girlfriend and want to again. What should I do?
—Louis Stevens, Miami, FL
A. Obviously if you hooked up with her one time, you’ve already broken that loyalty. And you have to remember that if this girl is cheating on him for you, then you know she’s a w**** anyway. I get a lot of girls who are with people that I know, and they still try to have sex with me. They want me because I got the championship belt. Plus, everyone’s got the black man theory: All our penises are 12 inches. But I’d have to tell him. He’s going to find out one way or the other, anyway, so it’s only right. Plus, the girl would have that look if I banged her. You know, “the walk of the banged.”

Q. I’m addicted to hookers. What should I do?
—Rick Dunbar, Seattle, WA
A. Wow! Now, that’s a real question. Sometimes you have to work off the problems. You have to go through the process of detox. You can’t just go cold turkey, because that’s not how you successfully deal with addiction. So maybe you just keep the bang low until you bang yourself out.

 

WOW

 

No problem, I thought the same thing when I read it!

 

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