Artest tales: From my hidden camera in the office of Pacers president Donnie Walsh

From my hidden camera in Donnie’s office




Secretary: Ron is here to see you now, Donnie

DW: (coughs, stamps out cigarette butt) OK Betty, send him in

(door creaks)
DW: Hi Ron! A little late, but have a seat—we’ve got a lot to talk about

Ron: Umm… OK, but first… (reaches for his belt)

DW: Don’t shoot me Ron! (falls to his knees)

Ron: Hey Donnie, chill…I just tucked a copy of my new CD under my belt to give to you.

DW: OK… but I’m not into that new-fangled music.

Ron: You’ll like it…

DW: I’m more of a Barbara Streisand/Bette Midler type, to be honest, along with the soundtracks to the Godfather movies.

Ron: (blinks his eyes 30 times in silence)… Umm… then give it to Larry.

DW: Larry just listens to “Achey Breakie Heart” over and over again. Here, I’ll give it to Mel Daniels. He had some grandkids, I think.
(pause)

DW: So Ron, what’s this from your agent about you not happy if you were in Sacramento?

Ron: My agent says some crazy $hit, man…

DW: where did you get him?

Ron: He’s a supervisor at Circuit City.

DW: WTF is that?

Ron: You know… stereo stuff. He buys things for me at the employee discount.

DW: Why would you hire him as an agent?

Ron: They got good stuff there, that Circuit City. And bigger discounts than my last agent from Best Buy.

DW: Let’s cut out the crap, Ron. We will tell you where you will play. You don’t have a no-trade, and we will suspend you @$$ without pay if you don’t go along, got it?

Ron: But I want to have fun, Donnie.

DW: And where is it that you think you can have fun?

Ron: there are more Circuit City stores in Southern California and in New York than there are in Indy or Sacramento.

DW: Let’s cut the Circuit City crap—DO YOU WANT TO GET PAID???

Ron: Yeah. Even with the discount, stuff ain’t free.

DW: Where do you want to go, setting aside the discount electronics angle for a moment.

Ron: The Knicks pay you a lot of money even if you are awful. I can but lots of stuff if I go there.

DW: The Knicks can pay you any more than we do—a contract is a contact.

Ron: That’s not what my agent said—

DW: Cause you agent is a freakin’ moron who sells blenders all day!!!

Ron: I want to play for a good team.

DW: We were pretty damn good until you wrecked it.

Ron: I want to be able to play my album in the locker room. Jermaine won’t let me.

DW: Why not?

Ron: He says it sucks.

DW: That’s just an opinion—some of the other guys probably like it.

Ron: They all say it sucks.

DW: Music ain’t everything, Ron. Can we move on here. Basketball is my life. Isn’t it important to you?

Ron: Sure. I need it to get stuff.

DW: Enough with the stuff, OK. We will send to you Sacramento. I’ll call them on the phone and you convince them that you want to go there.

Ron: What if I don’t?

DW: We’ll send you to Toronto for Matt Bonner and Aaron Williams.

Ron: (gasps) There’s NO CIRCUIT CITIES ANYWHERE AROUND TORONTO!!!!

DW: Well then, you had better convince Sacramento that you are good with this.

Ron: OK, I’m with it.

DW: Betty, get the Kings on the line.

Secretary: OK Boss.

DW: Want a smoke?

Ron: No… Mind if I rap while we wait?

DW: Yes (cough…cough, hack, spit). Here Ron, have a Fresca.

Ron: Um… OK…

Betty: I’ve got Joe Maloof on the line, Donnie.

DW: thanks, Betty… Hi-ya Joe!!!!

Maloof: Donnie, how ya doin’! Have a good night’s sleep? I tossed and turned myself. To think we almost took your problem off your hands—what was I thinking!

DW: Joe, I’ve got Ron here, and he want to be a King.

Maloof: Seriously?

DW: Yes, ask him yourself.

Maloof: You’re a little late, we’re gonna send him to Toronto for Matt Bonner and Aaron Williams.

DW: Given him another chance, Joe. We gave him 324 second chances. This is only number 2 for you.

Maloof: OK. Peja’s not thrilled about Toronto anyway. Ron, you there?

Ron: Yes Sir! I’m here. I want to play in Sacramento. I can hang with Bonzi. I can help the team win and I can get stuff.

Maloof: I like to win. Can I talk to your agent?

Ron: He’s on duty at the cell phone counter until 4.

Maloof: Are you sure about this? I need to sell this trade to the team and out fans.

Ron; It was all the media’s fault. Big misunderstanding. I’ll be good.

Maloof: OK Ron, welcome aboard!