Uncensored All-Star Thought Balloons By Ralph Wiley ESPN ... Jerry West, general manager, Memphis Grizzlies: "Arnold can have Cali. I'll take Kobe. It's not tampering. I always slowly bat my eyes and lick my lips like this." Arnold Schwarzenegger, governor, California: "Ya, I see Yao, but it hurts my neck to look up that high. I need some muscle relaxers, some Creatine, some cortisone. Ya I yam against steroids, too, just like President Ashcroft." Christina Aguilera, singer: "I would have passionately kissed Beyonce for the benefit of voyeuristic men. But I don't have a CD coming out." Janet Jackson, singer, Neverland Ranch: "I apologize for being downloaded more than anyone in history. What was I thinking? I mean, besides sales of the Damita Jo CD, and taking the general public's mind off Michael?" Jack Nicholson, Laker fan, Hollywood: "Nice move, Andre. I can't get Grazer to return my people's calls. He can't handle The Truth!" Pat Riley, Miami Heat: "Should've listened to Robert Towne and taken that role in 'Tequila Sunrise.' Could've been in 'Miracle' as Herb Brooks. Who knows more about being a coach, me or Kurt Russell? What did that punk mean, saying he was real sorry to see I was a Hoover Crip? What in hell is a Hoover Crip? Say ... why are all those guys in red bandannas following us?" Will Smith, Laker fan, Beverly Hills: "Might as well face it I'm addicted to fame, might as well face it I'm addicted to fame. Love me! Love me now!" Yao Ming, center, West All-Stars: "Madness ... madness." Shaquille O'Neal, center/forward, West All-Stars: "Tupac shoulda been here to see this. MV-Me. Where was your boy Kobe at, until just before the game? What does he mean, he don't like Phil as a man but he likes him as a coach? Who's easier to replace, me or Kobe? Hmm. Whattup, T-Mac?" Kevin Garnett, forward/guard, West All-Stars: "I'd like to thank my coach, my teammates, the good people of Minneapolis ... oh wait, it's not time for the regular-season MVP yet. Sorry ... my bad ..." "No, I am not Frankstein. I just play like a quiet monster." Tim Duncan, forward, West All-Stars: "Why do they call me the best boring player in the history of basketball? Isn't it enough that my hairline looks as if it was stitched together by Victor Frankenstein?" Steve Francis, guard, West All-Stars: "Yao. Yow!" Kobe Bryant, guard, West All-Stars: "Shaq. Shoot!" Flip Saunders, coach, West All-Stars: " ... I'm hyperventilating ..." Beyonce Knowles, singer, Hollywood: "It all depends by what you mean when you say, 'Over-exposed.' I think I'm just fine. How 'bout you? Ow!" Allen Iverson, guard, East All-Stars: "I vote fine right over here, B." Vince Carter, guard, East All-Stars: "ZZZzzzzz ..." Jermaine O'Neal, center, East All-Stars: "Grrrrrrrr ..." Tracy McGrady, forward, East All-Stars: "I was the go-to guy. Now will somebody go-to Orlando with me?" Ben Wallace, center, East All-Stars: "Wantu Wazuri, use Afro Sheen ... I can't get that song out of my head ... and I don't even know where I heard it. Was it Michael Jordan? But what would Jordan need with hair products?" Jason Kidd, guard, East All-Stars: "Genius is as Jason does ..." Rick Carlisle, coach, East All-Stars: "I'd kill for Jason Kidd." Jay-Z, hip-hop impresario, Brooklyn (to the tune of "Come Together," by the Beatles): "Come to Brooklyn, right now ...over me." Chris Anderson, dunker, Denver Nuggets: "I got screwed. How could old Laker guys give me 8s on my first dunk? Are they blind? Were they drunk? High? Jack Nicholson liked my hair. Brian Grazer copied it. I got screwed." Fred Jones, dunker, Indiana Pacers: "You mean I #%$@! \ won?! I won in spite of those absurd passes from my white-lipped brother who then had the freaking nerve to berate me? Good. Now I can not return his calls." P Diddy, hip-hop impresario: "How long before I can sample Outkast and perform with them with my mike turned off? I used to be a dancer, though, you know. Who is this bi-yootiful thang I got me with tonight? None of 'em will ever be J-Lo. What did she ever see in Afflicted? He's a Red Sox fan." Peja Stojakovic, guard/forward, West All-Stars: "I feel, how you say, kwazy? Oh, queasy. Leather-jets. Oh. Lethargy. I feel in bones something wrong. Then they tell me Webber suspended. Now I am deeply depression." Andre Kirilenko, forward, West All-Stars: "I must break you, and rim." Amare Stoudamire, MVP, Rookie Challenge: "Already took care of it." Dirk Nowitzki, forward, West All-Stars: "I'll lay out on this one. Hoser." Ray Allen, guard, West All-Stars: "Two aliens are about to bust out of my calves ... but until they do, lift, and separate." Sam Cassell, guard, West All-Stars: "I do not like Green Eggs and Ham, but I do like KG, Sam I Am ..." Brad Miller, forward, West All-Stars: "I'm here. I'm actually here." Baron Davis, guard, East All-Stars: "The call me the Mask. It's the teeth." Jamaal Magliore, center, East All-Stars: "Why do people keep trying to hang their coats and jackets on me? I am not a walking piece of furniture. Anybody who says I am will get looked at with pure contemptuous disdain. I don't care. It's not my job to care. Look what it did for Kareem. Difference between me and Kareem is, I'm gonna save my money. Won't catch me groveling for charity later. Bring all the coats and jackets on!" Paul Pierce, guard/forward, East All-Stars: "Why did I bother to come here? Wait, I know why. There's a Nike billboard of me as big as Shaq's head up on Sunset. I'm from Inglewood. My peeps are here. I'm from L.A. That's why. I know they would rather have had LeBron. Screw LeBron. I'm better than LeBron. LeBron is not the Truth. I am. Apparently, that's the only reason why I am here. I cannot stand Rick Carlisle! I could not stand last year's All-Star coach, either. At least then I had 'Toine to pout with me." Ron Artest, guard, East All-Stars: "I'm sweet. $%@#! I got handle. Oops. I guess I don't. Yes I do. I play with all the finesse of a cigar-store Indian come to life. That's a foul, ref! He fouled! What? What do you mean I fouled him? I ain't never fouled nobody in my life. You better recognize." Kenyon Martin, forward, East All-Stars: "Who said playing with Jason Kidd makes me look 25-to-50 percent better than I actually am? I got the hops of life, fool. I got the ... uh-oh, here comes Shaq. Ole!" Michael Redd, guard, East All-Stars: "Damn, Kobe blocked my shot down my throat. I've got Spalding tattooed on my tonsils. It's embarrassing. But did anybody see? What? Oh, everybody saw? Geez ..." Marv Albert, broadcaster, TNT (to Janet Jackson at courtside): "Let's see that again ... Yes! ... Let's see that again ... Yes! ... Let's see that again ...!" http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=wiley/040216
