Anyone stuck on Paradise Hotel?

Yeah, I'm stuck on that stupid, anger inducing, intelligence destroying, moronic, idiotic, worthless, hopeless, dickless sack of monkey crap of a show too.

I was sad to see Toni go. She was the most entertaining member. They're all selfish, shallow, superficial idiots, though.

 

I`ve caught bits and pieces of it while my girlfriend watches

I was glad Toni got kicked off. Who was the girl that had the 2 dates last night that was dripping candles on beau.......She was very cute

 

I'd rather have my pubes tweezed all at once.

 

I have watched every episode and love it. The past two weeks have been pure elation for me. First Zack gets the boot from Keith, then Keith spurns Toni and send her man-body home. It was beautiful to watch. I hated Zack with a passion. He kept telling everyone how hot and how smart he was, and he didn't have much to back it up with.

I have even gone so far as to read the "Paradise Hotel" message boards. The maturity level over there is about on par with the GARM forum.

 

I have to admit I went to their MB's last week and there is guy wrighting parody's of the show. I thought they were funny as hell. I copied them for a laugh.

Parody Hotel
The episodes that Fox will not air. Starting with:

EPISODE #6

Shot starts w/ a zoom in of the hotel pool....Kristen is pruned up in the corner sticking her boobs out as far as they go:
Kristen: Look! they float...I didn't know silicon was so buoyant!
Alex: You tease.
Kristen [giggles and twirls her hair]: I'm only allowed two sentences an episode because the producer said I'm just "too much for the audience to handle".
Camera switches to Amy in her suite alone.
Amy: I wonder if Zach realizes I wear his clothes? I like to sniff them during the day so I can remember him.....sigh.
Zach walks in.
Amy: Hi Zach. I think you're really cool. Wanna sleep w/me again?
Zach: If I do will you shut up?
Amy: Like a mime. [shot closes with a cutesy grin and Zach ripping off his shirt]
*Producer* - Zoom in on the abs the teeny boppers will LOVE this.
Back at the pool we find Charla moping around the deck. Wearing too much make up and won't get into the pool because the water will make her melt - she starts opening up to Andon.
Charla: I don't know why no one likes me. Is it because I look hotter than them? Or because I eat less than they do? Or is it because I'm so much better than everyone else?
Andon: I think it's because you are inti-intimid- uh - you scare them.
Charla: Wow, Andon that's so deep. This is sarcasm by the way, I like to use it to avoid looking like an insecure little girl. Just because I have 10 year old boobs does not mean I have a ten year old brain. I'm edumacated.
Andon: I Respect you. Can you shake that thong for me again?
Camera zooms in on Toni with binoculars sitting on the paradise roof.
Toni: I KNEW the little w**** was moving in on my man. Who does she think she is? THAT'S IT - I'm going to have to implement plan "N" since plans A-M haven't worked out so well....
Making drinks at the bar Scott finds himself strategizing w/Amanda.
Scott: Look Amanda, I think you should sleep with me so that Beau knows that when you make you threat you can follow thru. Guys like girls who act like a b*&#@! and can back it up.
Amanda: I don't know Scott, he really hurt me. I don't know what to do...how could he want to spend time with anyone else but me? Now I will have to take the kids and find a new place and ---
Scott: Wait, wait - kids? You & Beau don't have any kids...what are you talking about?
Amanda: Oh yeah....I just have a really strong connection in my head with him and I know he feels the same way....Do you think I should make him some rabbit stew?
Scott excuses himself and rushes to find Beau.....

EPISODE#7

Leaving Amanda "stewing" at the bar, Scott rushes off to find Beau. He discovers Dave walking out of Charla's room....
Scott: Hey Dave....what are you up to?
Dave [nervously holding something behind his back]: uhh..not much. You?
Scott: I'm looking for Beau have you seen him?
Dave: Yeah, he found this ladder just sitting near the roof and is taking it back to the hotel lobby.
Scott: Uhh..okay. Thanks man.
Dave: No problem....[wonders to himself if a pair of Charla's thongs is really worth the risk of embarassing himself on national tv...then he remembers that already happened when the crew showed up in MA to make his Paradise Hotel video...sighs in relief & heads towards the bar where he spots his roomie]
Meanwhile, walking by a tree on his way to the hotel lobby, Beau spots a kitten crying at the top of a palm tree. He sets up the ladder and rescues the kitten. Taking off his shirt he wraps the kitten inside and heads down the ladder with the sun glistening on his perfect body*sigh* - Scott comes running up.
Scott: Beau!
Beau: Hey Scott. What's up?
Scott: I need to talk to you man, I'm really concerned - hey is that a kitten?
Beau: Yes, I saved it from the tree. I'm going to name it "Lovely".
Scott: o...k - look Beau, I need to talk to you about Amanda man. I have a really bad feeling....[trails off as he spots Dave and Amanda walking up]

EPISODE #8

After an attempt to confront Beau about his concerns of Amanda, Scott is interrupted by Dave (& the devil herself) approaching.
Dave: Hey 'homies' - what's up? Have I mentioned I've lost 35 calories walking from the pool to here?
Scott: Wow Dave, that's fascinating.
Dave: Whatchya got there Beau - a new "pu$$y"? [laughs at his own joke and elbows an emotional Amanda in unjoined amusement]
Beau: I'm surprised you would be able to recognize one Dave.
Shot zooms in on Scott & Amanda holding back smiles from a bewildered Dave. Before Dave can respond Beau grabs the ladder and continues to the lobby.
Amanda: Like, why is he avoiding me? And where did that kitten come from?
Scott: I don't think he's avoiding you. He found Lovely in the tree, he rescued it.
Amanda: What? He named her already? He's totally infatuated with her, he's going to spend more time with her than me....she's going to take him away from me...why does everyone want my MAN?!
Dave: Amanda - it's a cat.... C'mon, let's go stock the bar with more alcohol!
Dave drags a reluctant Amanda into the hotel as Scott rolls his eyes and goes off to join Charla & Andon.
Shot breaks into Amy & Zach's room "ex post sexo" where Zach has actually convinced Amy into pretending she is a mime in a box.
Zach: Whatever...my three year old cousin can do better than that.
Amy [after miming tears gives up and cries]: I'm sorry Zach, I don't know how I can be more of a wimp for you....
Zach: Whatever...I'm going to go flex in the mirror and sing Michael Jackson songs...[starts humming "Man in the mirror" as he waddles into the bathroom]
Flashes of Hotel paradise with the sun setting from above the camera holds steady on Amanda the host.
AMANDA THE HOST: Welcome back to Paradise Hotel. I'm going to act extra dramatic by pausing after every sentence. I will also carry on about how one of you - and by "you" I mean pre-selected, liposuctioned, daughters of FOX television producers - can be the next guest on PARADISE HOTEL [flashy smile - double point into the camera] It's been an interesting week, and now it's time to join the guests LIVE so we can pick our new inductee!
Via satellite we are connected to Paradise Hotel - poolside. All the guests are sitting with their new roommates, including the new couple Beau & Lovely. But wait..Andon is alone...now where can Toni be?!?!
Shot ends with Toni gripping onto the ledge of the roof where her ladder used to be....

EPISODE #9

Last week we left Beau & Lovely cuddling poolside, Amanda & Dave venting over vodka, and Toni grasping on for dear life.
Shot zooms in on Paradise Hotel where the inductee show was postponed due to rioting pre-teens outside studio doors demanding Zach's phone number and Kristin's plastic surgeon contact. As the group returns back to doing ABSOLUTLY NOTHING, we are sucked into screams from the rooftop...
Toni: Heeelllllp!!! Where is everybody? How could they forget about me? Don't they know who my father is? ...oops, I promised daddy I wouldn't leak, I hope he still hooks me up with my three picks....that'll show Charla - who does she think she is?! [Holds on to rooftop with one hand while she lights her cigarette with the other...]
Shot fades as the smoke permeates screen....Fade in on Charla's cigarette smoke being blown into Dave's face:
Charla: [If I blow this smoke into his face he will have to keep at least three feet away from me...that way no one will notice his crooked feet look like my teeth...] Dave, I know you are in love with me & I will use you like the experimental drugs you took to lose 160lbs in two hours....okay?
Dave: Sure Charla....is that Ode de Quarter Pounder you are wearing...you have me hypnotized....
Amanda & Kristin walk by holding hands and find a spot underneath the cabana area....
Amanda: Kristin, I'm really confused. I mean on one hand I don't want to ruin all the time invested with Beau..he IS my true love...but on the other hand I think you are HOT.
Kristin: hee-hee...I think I'm hot too...let's hook up.
Amanda: Okay, let's tell the guys not to pick us so FOX will put us together as roommates.
Kristin: cool...
*Producer* - okay, she's used up her lines - cut out.
Beau walks up to the bar and orders a Margherita and a shot of milk.
Beau: Here you go Lovely. [Lovely starts lapping up her drink] Hey bartender that doesn't speak english...what's up? [Bartender smiles and nods] I'm not sure what to do...I never really liked Amanda, but I'm too sweet to break her heart...I had to wait for an opportunity to escape her desparate grips..and her cheating comment was just that. I really love KIZYL, but she's not on the show...(sorry girls - it's my story) I guess it's just you and me Lovely...let's go to the pool so I can take off my shirt and rub oil all over my body.
Beau wanders off to the pool where Amy is sitting adding a new entry to her diary:
Amy: Dear Diary,
I miss Zach. I miss the way he would use me and then make me
look like an slutty ditz. I wish Beau would make a move on me.
I need to get laid - ASAP. Oh, and I have some juicy gossip
about Alex, Zach & Scott..apparently they were strategizing the
other day, & I overheard them while I was stalking Zach - and
you won't believe this but - oh! Here comes Zach, I gotta go
sniff his a$$ so I can follow his scent. TTYL, LYLAS, & KIT!

EPISODE #10

Does Alex try to steal Lovely away from Beau? Will Amanda & Kristin hook up? Did Zach find Amy wearing his underwear? Does Toni EVER make it off the roof? Let's tune in to find out....!
Theme song annoyingly brings us back to a shot of the studio audience [who are all looking confused & wearing I LUV Temptation Island t-shirts]. Amanda the host walks out to greet America.
Amanda the HOST: Happy 4th of July America!!...I'm from Ireland where we could really care less about this holiday but I will exclaim it because I am a paid puppet for FOX! [hands on hips- *DING* shiny toothed smile] ALRIGHT! [pause] We are back for another exciting episode of Parody Hotel AND to pick our new inductee! [pause] First, let's catch up with what's been going on while we were gone....
Candid shots from infrared cameras zoom in on Scott and Kristin going at it full throttle. Scott interrupts the gyrating Kristin to ask:
Scott: What are you thinking about?
Kristin: [blank stare]
Scott: I mean, well, I can't stop thinking of you making out with Charla's fraternal twin Dave..what were you thinking?!
Kristin: [blinks - back to blank stare]
Scott: Nevermind, get back on top.....
Morning breaks to a shot of Charla bouncing to the pool where Kavita is applying "When-you-are-almost-as-dark-as-a-sister-but-people-still-mistake-you-for-Spanish" tanning oil.
Kavita: Hi, Charla...umm...what are you wearing?
Charla: It's my bubble suit. I'm wearing it so Dave can't touch my skin or get close to me. I told him that I have a rare skin sensitivity to FOBSU people.
Kavita: Oh cool! [stops and thinks] Wait - what's FOBSU mean?
Charla: Fat Once, But Still Ugly...Duh! [rolls her eyes]
Kavita: Oh you are SO COOL.
Charla: I know. I have to go find Scott.....[rolls around and departs...boing!boing!boing!]
Camera catches Toni looking a little green as she is still clenching to P.Hotel's gutters...
Toni: I don't understand. It's been a week...Does no one realize I'm MISSING?!?! I am getting so mad.....I AM important to this show...daddy said so & the producer agreed in fear of losing his job!
[turning darker green as the seconds skip - Toni's shorts slowly tear as she turns into - The Incredeble Hulk! Camera ZOOMS out....just in time to catch the monster leap from the roof and land by the Limo driver. He faints into her arms like a little girl. This makes Toni horny again and thus, returning her to her normal state]
Setting up a little bed with his towel, Beau has placed Luvlee next to him under the umbrella by the pool. Ripping off his shirt, his smooth and tan skin glows with a deep bronze that accentuates the highlights in his hair. He generates a heat of his own, and the smell of coconut oil lightly scents his body. Luvlee, at this moment, is voted "Luckiest Pu$$y in the World" by Fox Forum members.
Over in one of the hotel suites, Alex is consoling Amanda...
Alex: Amanda, it will be okay. I am only flirting with you because Kristin kissed Richard Simmons' apprentice in the kissing contest. Your scams on Beau have not been effected I promise.
Amanda: [holding back tears] You don't understand Alex, I worked hard to fool everyone that I'm not the same slutty b!tch from before! I want America to think you and Beau are fighting over me for attention. [throws her head down on the pillow and starts sobbing]
Zach falls from the ceiling.
Alex: WTF? Zach?! Where did you come from?
Zach: Shhh...I'm looking for Amy.
Alex: You are?! That's really far-fetched-you expect me to believe you?
Zach: Nah man. I was just kickin it, listening to Amanda whine and play games. I was hoping she would get naked.
Amanda: Wahhh! [Why won't they pay attention to me?! I must sob louder] WAHHHHH!
Zach: Sheesh, she sounds like me when I talk about my mom.
Clip ends and we are back at the studio to discover who will be the new Parody Hotel guest...
EPISODE #11

"I'm gonna take you on a trip so far from here....I got two tickets and I want Amanda to disapear....two tickets to Paradiiiiise...."
AMANDA THE HOST: Alright! [smile, pause] We are back, and boy - [arm swings violently around]
*Producer*: What's happened to the strings! Wake up the puppeteer!!
AMANDA THE HOST: [Arms stop swinging and rest back on her hips]- does it get interesting from here. The new guest on Parody Hotel is MATT!!! [pause for audience applause]
Matt walks up on stage and raises his hands above his head. He's about to be escorted by Amanda to the limo, when instead they take him directly onto the set of Good Morning America next door.
Matt: What's going on here? Where's the Hotel? Where are all the girls?
Anchor: So Matt, tell us - how was your stay in Paradise?
Matt: What are you talking about?! I haven't even been there yet!
Anchor: Yes, your stay was brief...but does that make you ponder your strategy at all?
Matt: This is bogus! I'm outta here....[Matt storms out only to be vaguely remembered by America]
Camera zoom out of the pool, where Kristen appears to be making out with Toni in broad daylight.
Kristen: Oh Scott, have you been working out?
Toni: Did you just call me Scott?
Kristen: Oh, I thought you were Scott- hehe...oops.
Toni: [Toni picks up Kristen and throws her into the pool] Don't EVER talk to me like that!! You little w#$@! You knew it was me last night when you asked me to "strap it on"!!!!
An astonished Kristen rubs her head in worried confusion....then decides to go take a nap to stop the words forming in her head.
Toni struts over to the bartender and hands him the roofies.
Toni: Put this in ALEX's - do you understand - ALEX's drink. Tall, el rubio - PUT IT IN HIS DRINK. SI?
Bartender: Si, si.
Toni: Bueno. [Laughs an evil laugh while imagining the night ahead]
Camera shot starts with footage of Amanda and Beau on the boat...then waterskiing, then fades into Amanda on the bed with her gay best friend Jason.
Amanda: I told you it would work. All the boys on the strip will want you - the guy from "Paradise Hotel" once you get back to South Beach. And the whole world will be sweating me by the time I'm off the show. Umm...Do you think you can tear up a little - when I tell you I'm gonna stay?
Jason: Umm...probably not - I'm not THAT good of an actor.
Amanda: Jason...c'mon....
Jason: Fine...but can you dig your nails into my hand then? Geez, what I do for schlongs.
Episode ends with shots of all the guests getting dressed for "DISS A HOE" night with strobe lights and all....Charla is the guest of honor....
EPISODE #12
After an eventful week of J.C. (Just Cut) going home, cuddling between Kristin and Toni(Scott), Charla getting down and dirty at the Diss a Hoe club night & Alex doing a re-enactment of Toni's Love Cruise voyage (can we say see-sick anyone?) ~ Parody Hotel twists and turns with the arrival of Tara.
AMANDA THE HOST: [walking down towards the pool with Tara on arm and drinks in hand] Hello everyone! I'd like to introduce you to your new guest Tara. Pause for Applause.
Alex: Did you realize you said that out loud? Why should we applaud? We are not a studio audience?
AMANDA THE HOST: My battery is dying, I must return to my docking station. Buh-bye.
Amanda robotically heads towards the hotel lobby, the group introduces themselves to Tara, and Dave snags her for a private tour.
Dave: ...And this is the tennis court where I proved I was a man.
Tara: Cool. Is Toni a man too?
Dave: Actually, during the mudwrestling I grabbed her boob and planted a micro chip in her chest ~ after analyzing the data, it turns out she is a man - but I already knew that.
Tara: You did? How?
Dave: Well, I'm here from the State Department. Toni is my clone, she escaped and has been terrorizing Reality Shows ever since. It is my mission, since I chose to accept, to bring her back before she completely ruins the experiment and destroys the nations reputation.
Tara: Wow. I have a secret too.
Dave: What's that?
Tara: I'm really Melanie - the first girl that got kicked off the show - I'm back from my "Extreme Makeover" and my mission is to get rid of all the original girls one by one.
Shot ends with Dave and Tara exchanging wicked glances and conjuring up strategies all of their own. Camera angles on Charla by the pool where Zach is strutting up with his towel around his waist.
Charla: Whatsup Zach.
Zach: Hi Charla, wow - you know who you remind me of laying there like that?
Charla: Who? Britney Spears? Sarah Michelle Gellar? Barbie?
Zach: No...actually you just look like a preying mantis. What's up with your forehead?...your head looks like a pimple on your neck...later.
Charla brews over Zach's comment, then rushes off to manipulate Tara into helping her avenge her reputation. Camera finds Amanda laying over Beau's bed while he is napping. Shot focuses in on a swinging pendulum.
Amanda: [in a soothing monotonous exhale] ...you will pick me to be your roomate....you want me.....you can't live without me....you will cry like a little baby if I leave....you will ignore what others say about me....you will think you are in LOVE with me.....
Amy & Kristin walk into the room...
Amy: Beau you wanna-- Amanda?! What are you doing?
Beau wakes up and screams, Amanda runs out and Kristin jumps into bed with Beau.
Kristin: You wanna be #41?
Amy: [grabbing Kristin] We don't have time for this...we have to go call out Amanda. C'mon!
Scene ends with shots of Amy & Kristin running off after Amanda, Toni practicing eye bulges in the mirror for the next Pandora's box & Tara & Charla making voodoo dolls of all the other girls.

the entire thing will NOT fit on one post so I will have to break it up

 

Here is the rest that I have

EPISODE #13

We left Paradise Hotel in a scenic mess with Amanda running all the way home, Toni flexing her cornea muscles and Tara and Charla plotting against the estrogen levels at the hotel.
Shot starts with the hotel guests sitting on the brightly layered couches by the pool. In the corner we catch a glimpse of Kristin humping one of the couch pillows....Amy nudges her and she immediately retrieves her blank stare and empty smile.
AMANDA THE HOST: Welcome back to Parody Hotel...where the guests find themselves twisting and turning like the knives they stab in each other's backs!!! [pause] Okay..!! Last week we introduced Keith on the show and had to say good bye to Zach.
[Shot breaks into the clip of Zach waving in slow motion as he walks down the "Karma is a b!tch" Hall to the limo. Neptunes "Lapdance" playing in the background, he gets into the limo:
"I'm an outlaw...quick on the draw...
find me chillin with crackers, who like thrash
Find me in court smokin' that nice grass
Burnin' the flag, all in the name of white trash"
We toggle between shots of Amy trying to cry and Zach being driven away. Clip ends with zoom in of limo pulling up to the grocery store, door opening and Zach getting shoved out...
Zach: Not again...![starts sobbing]
AMANDA THE HOST: Allllright. Now let's introduce the producer's niece - Holly. She will be the next guest at the hotel.
Contestant #2: But like, I thought they like, were supposed to like, pick one of us, like...yeah?
AMANDA THE HOST: No dear, just because you slept with the producer does not make you eligible for nepotism. Now walk away so we can get a shot of the guys staring at your bum. [fake smile]
Contestant #2: Nepah..who? Heeeeey---[Amanda the host shoves her off screen]
AMANDA THE HOST: Okay!!! Because Holly's uncle runs the show...she will have two expensive and elite dates with whomever she chooses....this hopefully will create more drama and backstabbing throughout the hotel & eventually get someone's head to explode with jealousy...make sure you are tuned in!!
Birds chirp and sunlight pours over the oasis of sin. Toni and Dave are chit chatting by the bar.
Dave: Yeah, we all need our outlets...but isn't there a gym here? Can't you work out there with Beau & Scott?
Toni: You little penis. Are you calling me a lying w**** with anger management problems?!?!?
Dave: Umm...no?
Toni: That's it [gets up and starts the first PH rap off]

Are you ready for my original flow?
You better know, I'm the queen of the show!
I'll shake you up, and never let go...
you'll be seeing the Hulk like neva befo'
And I will make you my Yahtzee ho!
Get your game on...
Get-get...get your game on!!!
[Toni flexes her hulk arms and growls as her eyelids tremble]
Dave: Do you think I'm scaredizzyl?
Of your lame threatsizzle?
Wait until you meet my girl kizyl..
She'll rock you for rizyl..my nizyl
Toni: Who is kizyl?
Dave: I don't know...I don't know why I said that?! I'm going to go put on Charla's thong and play some tennis.....

Leaving Toni coo-coo for cocoa puffs, Dave walks off to the suite to change. Walking by Beau & Tara's room, we hear erotic screams emerge from within.
Beau: Tara that tickles!!
Tara: Shut up and put out!
Beau: Damn Tara...I thought you were sweet and fun, but you are becoming too aggressive and boss---mmphhhggggh [muffled by a load of whipped cream being sprayed into his mouth, Beau is left speechless]
Tara: Now you are perfect! Time for "fukky fukky"... [Shot ends with Tara leaping onto the bed with Beau and whipped cream flying everywhere]
Lovely awakened by Beau's screams, is instantly terrified by Tara. She runs out of the suite, stumbling over her own tail and rolling into a somersault and then into Narky's arms. Narky scoops up Lovely and decides that PH is no place for anything lovely - he rescues her and escapes from the hotel just as Scott and Holly return from their "Dream Date".

Breaking News
We are just receiving word of a major meltdown in Paradise. Fox's own Amanda Byrum is on the scene with this report...
"Hello Everyone and Greetings from Paradise Hotel! Well, um unfortunately, I don't come to you with good tidings. It seems that in an apparent attempt to maintain her dwindling hold over the guest of Paradise Hotel, cast 'Original' Toni has taken her steroid induced antics to the next level...AHHHH!...AHHHHHH!...[sound of furniture and glass breaking]...
[Toni's rasphy voice is heard in the back] "GAME ON You skinny
B!tch! I told you about bringing on hotter chicks then me...I warned you!!!!! EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! DID YOU NOT HEAR ME! EXCUSE ME!"
[sound of struggling to move and breath]..."I'm back everyone. As you can plainly see our very own Toni has completely lost control of her faculties. I have been informed that she had inadvertenly left her meds at home before her arrival. It seems that the scene unfolded early this morning with the return of Holly and Scott from their overnight rendevous. We now go to Scott who is presently hiding in the Paradise Hotel limo for his response."
"Scott - how are you holding up?"
"Amanda I'm o.k. considering the circumstances. As you know though I really don't respond to outside stimulus. Its almost as if I'm a deaf and dumb mute."
"Well - what about Toni? Any thoughts?"
"You know Amanda...You've never kissed me before have you?"
"Uh...Scott, I'm the host, I don't kiss anyone"
"Well I got Kristin to kiss me."
"Thats funny, me too."
[muffled from the front seat] "Me too senor"
[Scott & Amanda] "Pedro?"
[Pedro] "Si"
"We thought we had lost you!" [sound of windshield breaking and horn honking]
[Toni] "Scott is MY MAN! I have been putting ruffies in his drinks for 5 DAMN weeks now! Any day now he was going to cave! HE'S MINE!"
[Scott] "Ruffies! **** maybe thats why I can't get it up!"
[sounds of camera crashing]
[Amanda] "We're back. Thank God - that was pretty close. We are now taking a look at the scene of chaos that has presently unfolded around us. Toni's rampage seems to have taken quite a toll.
We have just moved to the bar area...oh no...oh NOOOOOO!
It seems we have lost Tara. Her own lovely brown locks used as a noose to hang her from the ceiling fan. The lollipops she was so kind enough to bring for everyone having been bored into her skin. There is a message written on her ripped and torn toga..."Kissy Kissy?"
[Scott] "No I think she put that there herself last night."
[Amanda] "Oh...O.K. - wait there's more. LET THIS BE A MESSAGE TO ANYONE WHO TRIES TO BREAK US UP. Scott, have you seen Holly?"
[Scott] "Holly?"
[Amanda] "Yes - HOLLY the girl you had the date with last night?"
[Scott] "Oh - the girl with the boobs. Uh, no. Are you sure you don't want to kiss me?"
[Toni yelling from down the hall] "I ATE HER AMANDA! AND I'M STILL HUNGRY! YOU DON'T WANT TO BE NEXT DO YOU! EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME!"
[Amanda] "We better move on. We are now entering what was Beau and Tara's room. Beau? Are you here?"
[sounds of muffled sniffling and crying from the closet]
[Amanda] "I think he's in there. Beau? [sound of door opening - crying and sniffling is louder] Beau! Alex! What are you doing in here!"
[Beau] "We were hiding - don't you see what is happening around here!"
[Amanda] "Yes - but [stiffling laughter] but why are you and Alex in your underwear - and Alex what is that in your hand...vaseline?"
[Alex] "Um...uh..."
[Scott] "Jesus Dudes - at least I'm not gay."
[Beau and Alex] "Your not? then what about what happened the other night dude!"
[Scott] "Damn Toni and her ruffies - I should be paying more attention."
[Amanda] "Get dressed girls! We need to find out what has happened to the rest!"
[Amanda] "O.K. we need to get a move on fellas. Beau and Alex - must you hold hands? and Scott - please stop smelling my hair!"
[Beau] "Sorry Amanda, we're just scared."
[Scott] "I thought you were Kristin. She likes me."
[Amanda] "Jeeeeze - lets move on."
[sounds of glass breaking and squeeking rubber]
[Charla] "Look Dave - PLEEEEEEEASE your making me UNCOMFORTABLE!"
[Dave] "Charla! This could be my only chance! After all I've done for you!"
[Charla] "Stay Back! I'm warning you!"
[Amanda - whispering] "Well, we've found Dave and Charla who seem o.k. but in the midst of a situation of their own. From what I can gather...It seems that Dave is hoping in vain to finally lose his virginity and snag the elusive Charla."
[Dave] "Charla! Look at this rubber wet-suit! I mean come on - with this and a condom the job can be done without me touching your bare skin!" [sounds of squeeking rubber as Dave chases Charla down the hall]
[Charla - running backwards and holding a broken wine bottle] "I'll CUT YOU Dave! I mean it!"
[Amanda, Scott, Beau, Alex & Dave] "CHARLA WATCH OUT!!!"
[sound of Charla thumping into Toni]
[Toni] "I've been waiting for you! YAHTZEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"OOOOOOOOH" [thud] - Charla passes out and hits the floor...

The Wedding

News Flash...
Dashing the hopes of hapless teenage girls everywhere - we have just been informed that Zack and Amy were recently wed in a hush-hush ceremony at the VFW Hall in Scottsdale, AZ. Details are as follows:
The bride was beaming as she strolled down the isle in a white cheerleading uniform detailed with the words "Zach Lova" on the rear of the skirt. Zack himself looked ever so classic bearing a white wife-beater over cut-off shorts. The black bow-tie completed this classic ensemble.
The wedding party? - well who else but their friends from Paradise Hotel! Bridesmaids included Kristin, Tara and even Charla! All but Kristin were clad in beautiful denim mini-skirts elegantly topped-off by neon green tube tops. Kristin - specially singled out as the maid of honor chose to wear nothing at all. The groomsmen, Alex, Scott and Toni were dressed in outfits to compliment the groom. Beau, having been endoctrinated on the Internet, officiated.
The most dramatic and moving part of the ceremony came as the bride met her groom at the altar. Upon lifting her veil Zack replied "Oh its you." Smiling broadly, Amy requested that they move on to the vows. In keeping with their individual style, they chose to write their own:
Zack begins - "amy i knu u wuld want to mari be cuz i have the bigest biceps and bes abs in the world and i think u and i will have lots of pretie kidz together but dont get fat on me cuz i will have to divorce your a$$ and you no i can cuz i have lawya in me is tara here? you know we aint married yet so you can still get wit this if you want...or are we married...i'm confused."
In response to this testiment Amy recites her vows in the form of a cheer!
"ZACK ZACK YOUR MY MAN IF YOU CAN'T ANYONE...OOPS...NONONE CAN!
I KNOW YOU'LL BEAT ME AND TREAT ME LIKE $HIT
BUT LIKE YOU SAY, I'LL PROBABLY DESERVE IT!
YOU MAY BE AS SMART AS A BAR OF SOAP
BUT LOOK AT ME--YOUR MY ONLY HOPE!"
The couple danced first to a romantic rendering of "Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit. The rest of the reception festivities were as unique as the couple itself including push-up competitions and the showing of abs.
The couple plans to honeymoon at the Red Roof Inn on Rt. 101.
But what of the future? Now the happy couple is secretly resides in the basement of Zack's mom's house and are pinning their hopes on a newley renovated double-wide at a trailer park on the outskirts of Scottsdale.
What is next for the happy bride and groom? Only time will tell...
I bow to you.

 

Dave and Charla Rule!


Kristen is 100% babe!

Did Toni really think Keith was gonna pick her? after she chewed him a new one for no reason?

Anyone know she was on that Love cruise show on fox too..

 

Kristen is smoking hot. It's your typical reality show; 10 hot people half naked all day, but I can't get enough. Glad to see Toni and Zack gone.
The show is so great because I find myself liking a cast member one week and then hating them the next. Like Amy, for example. Who knew she was such a *&#@*?

 

Is this the show with the woman from that other ****ty fox reality show that made you despair for the future of the species who had the abs and the crazy hair?

Our first reality show veteran.