Just trying to be a more funny guy. Would prefer dirty non-racist jokes that are one-liners. Stuff like this: So a couple is in the hospital in and the wife is in labor. After a long process, she finally pushes the baby out. The doctor picks up the new-born child and starts slamming it on the counter tops, the hospital bed, and into all the equipment in the room. After about a minute of doing this he looks at the shocked parents and says, "I'm just ****ing with you, it was already dead." So I was ****ing this girl in the ass and she yells to me, "The pain is excruciating!" I said, "Excruciating? That's an awfully big word for a 9 year old."
Actually I lied, the guilt was killing me. I have to make daily joke updates for something and am running out of material.
unfortunately, no. I used to be a member of this website 3 or 4 years ago that would send me daily jokes, that is where I know the bulk of my jokes. Unfortunately I dont remember the website lol.
Here: a blonde just texted me and asked "what does idk stand for?" i said "i dont know", and she replied "omg nobody does!!" a man asked his wife "what would you do if i won the lotto?" she says, I'd take half and leave you!" to which the man replies "excellent! i won 12 bucks...now get the **** out!" a drunk driver gets pulled over by a female cop and is told "anything you say can and will be held against you" the drunk driver replies "t*tties!"
some more: Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said '"I have a question for you now." "If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop... one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone... which on is married?"' "Well," said the teacher nervously," "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said little Johnny. "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking." A young deaf-mute couple get married. At first, they make love with the lights on in order to sign to each other. One day, the woman asks, "Can we try to make love with the lights off?" The man says, "Ok, but how will you know when I want to make love?" The woman says, "Well, when you're in the mood, just shake my left breast once, and I'll know. If you don't want to, shake my right breast once." The man says, "All right. And if you want to make love to me, shake my penis once. If you don't want to make love to me, shake my penis about 50 times." One day in court, a man and a woman are fighting over custody of their children. The judge hears the woman's plea first. "Your honor, I gave birth and therefore deserve full custody of the children!" The judge looks over at the man and asks him if he had anything to say. The man stays quiet for a minute then looks up at the judge and asks, "Your honor, if I put a quarter in a gumball machine, is the gum mine or the machines?" Whats the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairy tale starts, "once upon a time" A southern fairy tale starts, " y'all aint gonna believe this s**t..."
Some more.. Proof that Men have Better friends: Friendship among women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it... Friendships among men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two said he was still there... -------- A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
What do you call a bunch of black people in a bar? Spoiler I'm not racist, but if you clicked the button, shame on you...
and finally before I sleep... A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey“ but I haven’t got the energy." “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there. ---- An Alcoholic, a Chain Smoker & a Homosexual go to the doctors. Doc says "if any of you indulge one more time in what you like you'll die". As they walk home they pass a bar. The Alcoholic has a shot of whiskey, falls off his stool stone cold dead. His friends are shocked. As they walk along they come upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground still burning. The Homosexual looks at the Chain Smoker & says "if you bend over to pick that up....we're both dead!!!"
3 gay men were chatting one day about their deceased lovers. All three had had their loved ones cremated and they were discussing what they had done with the ashes. The first said, "I took Jerry's ashes out on the Gulf and dispersed them out in the water 'cos my boy loved sailing." The second said, "I spread Gary's ashes up on the mountain because he loved nature and hiking." The third said, "I sprinkled Jim's ashes into a bowl chili." Shocked, the first two men turned to the third and asked why. He replied, "I just wanted him to tear my a** up one more time."
