Any new jokes?

1. the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA


2. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? ' After a look of complete confusion she answered .. . . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive. '

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR


3. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . .. ' So how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.' . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced A foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly. '

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI


4. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered .. . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . ' Keep off the grass. '

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said ' Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn. '

Submitted by RN no name,


5. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . ..I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? ' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . ..' I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener . '

Dr. wouldn ' t submit his name....


6. A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed, ' she replied..

' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don ' t have any milk. '

I know, ' she said, ' I'm his Grandma, '

 

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams


2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain


3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain


4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill


5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw


6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy


7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard , Civil Libertarian (1994)


8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey , Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University


9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke , Civil Libertarian


10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat , French economist(1801-1850)


11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)


12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers


13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P.J. O'Rourke


14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other . -- Voltaire (1764)


15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)


16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)


17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous


18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan


19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill


20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain


21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer , English Philosopher (1820-1903)


22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress . -- Mark Twain


23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley , Artist (1928-1995)


24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson


25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office . -- Aesop