Moby Dick? bwahahahaa. 12 minutes? hahahahahaa. Here's your video: Open scene: Narrator says, "Call me Ishmael." Second scene: Ship chasing whale. End scene: Big words across the screen that says, "The end"
Give it a cool ending where Ahab and Moby Dick gets into a climatic knife fight in the end. Moby Dick is about to win and Ishmael comes to the rescue. Ishmael will then say to Moby Dick before the fatal blow, "Call me Ishmael." Moby Dick will respond in its last gasp, "From hell's heard I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee." After the fight, the crew of the ship will do a dance number with Captain Ahab leading and showing his glee. That's the way the book should end anyway.
Get a children's book version (or getter yet, the cliff notes version) and have a four or five 10 years old read it; then cut a version.
YES! you should totally satirize it!: ISHMAEL: "Call me Ishmael." ELIJAH (dressed like a bum): "Okay, Ish. Here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna smell land when there'll be no land." ISHMAEL: "Yeah, well, right now I smell you, and you stink" (walks away and goes to Pequod) 1st MATE (uses cheesy pirate voice): "So you want serve on the whaling ship Pequod, eh?" ISHMAEL: "Um. Yeah, I guess. Whatever" 1st MATE: "Ya got any experience hunting whales?" ISHMAEL: "No. But I'm gay, so I figure this gig oughta be perfect for me." 1st MATE: "Right you are lad! Welcome aboard!"
As soon as Ishmael boards the ship, they burst into a Village People number (preferrably "In the Navy", makes sense anyway). Dress up people in their Village People costume and I've always envisioned Queequeg (sp?) looking like an American Indian anyway.
Moby Dick should be some guy dressed in a really stupid-looking foam whale suit. Ahab should attack him, screaming, "Give me back my leg, dammit!" Perhaps Moby Dick should tease Ahab: have him hold up a fake leg, show it to Ahab and yell, "HA HA!"
This project sounds too good to be true. Man, if you decide to use droxford's or my ideas, I demand that you let me help.
Okay, Bernie, help me out on the script: ISHMAEL: "Call me Ishmael." ELIJAH (dressed like a bum): "Okay, Ish. Here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna smell land when there'll be no land." ISHMAEL: "Yeah, well, right now I smell you, and you stink" (walks away and goes to Pequod) 1st MATE (uses cheesy pirate voice): "So you want serve on the whaling ship Pequod, eh?" ISHMAEL: "Um. Yeah, I guess. Whatever" 1st MATE: "Ya got any experience hunting whales?" ISHMAEL: "No. But I'm gay, so I figure this gig oughta be perfect for me." 1st MATE: "Right you are lad! Welcome aboard!" Ishmael walks past man. Village People's "In the Navy" fades in as Ishmael approaches crew (dressed in Village People attire). They are dancing to music. After 4 - 5 seconds, music fades out. Ishmael approaches Queequeg. ISHMAEL: "Hey guys. I'm Ishmael." QUEEQUEG: "Hey. Ish. 'Sup?. I'm Queequeg. This here's Bubba, Johnny, and Bob." ISHMAEL: "Whussup." Ahab appears behind Ishmael during their conversation. He has a peg leg. AHAB (uses cheesy pirate voice): "You men keep your eyes on the water! We're looking for the white whale!" ISHMAEL (to Queequeg): "Have we left dock yet?" QUEEQUEG: "I guess so. Things move fast when you only have 12 minutes to tell the story." AHAB: "Listen up ye men! Whoever spots the white whale will earn one of these from my own pocket". Reveals video game. CREW TOGETHER: "AN XBOX 360!!!" ISHMAEL (to Queequeg): "..Platinum edition!" CREW SPINS AROUND AND PRETENDS TO LOOK FOR WHALE. ISHMAEL (to Queequeg): "Queegueg! Do you smell that?" QUEEQUEG: "Sorry, dude. I had cauliflower with lunch." ISHMAEL: "No! It smells like land!" QUEEQUEG: "... No... kinda smells like that stinky Elijah guy." Crewman calls out: "White whale ho!" Crew turns to stage right. Man in cheesy whale suit walks onto stage. He approaches crewmen and uses kung fu moves to kick all their butts except Ahab. Ahab takes a crane stance similar to that of Karate Kid. Whale pulls fake leg (Ahab's leg) from behind his back, shows it to Ahab. MOBY DICK: "Ha Ha!" AHAB: "Alright b****! Come get some!" Ahab pulls out a big Rambo knife. Whale flips out a butterfly knife.
[soft-focus lens] So, Ahab is about to microwave a Hot Pocket and suddenly his sink starts rattling. Ahab: [twirling beard] Oh no, looks like I need to have my pipes cleaned. [door opens, Moby Dick enters carrying a toolbox]. Moby Dick: Oh, well I am an expert at cleaning the pipes. I clean pipes so thoroughly that my customers beg for more. More pipe cleaning I mean. [cue wakka-wakka guitar music] Ahab: ARRR! I see you have a hump like a snowhill. (I'm sure you can fill in the details from this point. Just tell 'em it's 'artistic reinterpretation.')
Since the book is seen as a conflict between idealism and reality, I suggest that when Ahab and Moby Dick have their final showdown, they will do it in the stylings of Jets vs. Sharks in West Side story. As Moby Dick and Ahab and his crew snap their fingers, Moby Dick will be singing, "Idealism, Idealism, Idealism..." while Ahab and his crew sings, "Reality, Reality, Reality..." Since it is generally seen that Moby Dick is Ahab's illusion. At the beginning of the film, we can have Moby Dick do an Obi-Wan Kenobi impersonation and telling Ahab as he is about to deliver a death blow to Moby, "You can't win, Ishmael. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine." As Ahab delivers the blow, Moby Dick bit off and swallowed Ahab's leg and Moby Dick disappears within his cloak. This in turn drives Ahab crazy and starts the movie off with a bang. Man, I don't know why I'm so into this post... Maybe I'm a bigger geek than I would like to admit. But man oh man, this is going to be one helluva movie.
