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[Advice] Relationship with parents

Discussion in 'BBS Hangout' started by finalsbound, Nov 6, 2010.

  1. arkoe

    arkoe (ง'̀-'́)ง

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    I may have actually read more into your original post that is there. You've mentioned previously you're out of the house, so I took the following:

    to refer to an online diary, which is to what my comment was really referring. Sorry if that inference was incorrect. I don't have a problem with this thread.

    That said, you mentioned considering having your parents read your post/thread. You've also mentioned they're snoopy. Do you really think they're going to read just this thread once they find out you post here... whether it's old stuff you might not want them to see or potentially they start actively following the board to see what you post here?

    This is a sanctuary for many of us away from "real life" where we do ask these types of questions and post things where the anonymity (well at least for a lot of us - you obviously do know personally a handful of the posters) of the board is a positive aspect. Yet there's a trust factor here due to many of us have been here over a decade. That's pretty special. I don't have anything else like it, so personally I'm typically pretty hesitant to admit to people who I am here or invite others to the board - especially if I'm going to be asking myself after something I post "boy I hope so-and-so doesn't notice this post".

    Again... sorry if I misinterpreted part of your initial post.
     
  2. Kim

    Kim Contributing Member

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    I like Meggo's story and Eric's words. Other than that, there are too many people in this thread with advice, but lack similar life experiences. Seeing a therapist is also good advice. Therapists are affordable, especially if done through a local University. You can ask for rate reductions based on your salary.

    FB, I don't share the exact same issues as you, but I understand what a crazy parental relationship is like. Epic arguments was the norm for me growing up. I hope you find your mental and emotional balance in life, whatever way you choose to move forward.
     
  3. rtsy

    rtsy Member

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    What is the true source of your unhappiness - your parents, or your clinging to your "belief system"? How much would your beliefs mean to you if you knew this was their last day alive? Idealism will never love you. As far as the God question... it's up to you to define what God is... that way you don't have to lie when you call yourself a believer, and you might be surprised to learn that you really are one.
     
  4. T-Slack

    T-Slack Member

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    Nice read. finalsbound I have a question for you instead of advice, cause I don't have any. Growing up my parents did really push me or my siblings into anything besides, going to school and getting good grades. But my question to you since you lived it is I hear this sort of stuff all the time were a kid growing up, because of their parents, they are devoted Christians, Mormons or whatever when they are little but when they grow up they completely rebel and go against their parents beliefs. Why is that? I ask cause it seems its not just your situation, cause it seems it happens quite a bit.

    I'm not saying what you did is right or wrong, but kids rebelling against their parents for any reason really makes me think long and hard about being a dad.
     
  5. arkoe

    arkoe (ง'̀-'́)ง

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    T-Slack, is it rebelling or is it rethinking truths as an adult that were always previously taken for granted?

    This is a matter of perspective.

    I have no place giving advice on having kids, but consider a perspective change on that question. Perhaps it would be better to ask yourself if you're prepared for any potential progeny to a) make mistakes (we all do in life) and b) whether you will be able to respect decisions they make for their lives (when approaching adulthood and as adults) even when these decisions go against your own belief systems.
     
  6. T-Slack

    T-Slack Member

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    Its the rebelling and doing bad bad stuff, after all those teachings they got growing up. That is what I'm interested in knowing about.
     
  7. arkoe

    arkoe (ง'̀-'́)ง

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    Fair enough.
     
  8. Xerobull

    Xerobull You son of a b!tch! I'm in!
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    F-em. You're an adult. You don't have to deal with this crap. Life is too short to deal with bullsh!t. Anyone who says that you can pick your friends and not your family is wrong.

    You can choose to not deal with them on this level or at all. No one who loves you should put you through any kind of angst like this.

    Good luck- I know you'll make the right decision for you.
     
    1 person likes this.
  9. Chamillionaire

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    this is tough. you're old enough to have your own beliefs, and your parents will eventually come to respect that. they don't have to respect what you believe, but they will respect the fact that you have your own beliefs. the important thing here is to not hurt your parents. have your beliefs, but don't push it on them. they don't need to know.

    i think you should get out of their house, i'm assuming that you live with them. get out and live your life. your parents will always love you no matter what.

    i hope this helped.
     
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  10. Winrockets

    Winrockets Member

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    Meggo's story made me smile :D

    Finalsbound, it seems like you and your parents don't have enough communication and so both sides think the other is doing bad stuff. If you and your parents can meet and each side express their views and then listen to the other's perspective, hopefully both of you can get a better understanding of each other.

    In my opinion though, obviously your parents really care about you if they are so concerned about what you do, so don't just leave them and move to some random place. Sorry if I sound like Dr. Phil lol.

    Really wish you guys the best!
     
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  11. TheRealist137

    TheRealist137 Member

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    Do you still live at home? if so, move out.

    Problem solved.
     
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  12. Phillyrocket

    Phillyrocket Member

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    Sounds similar to my family. You choose your friends, you don't choose your family. We feel obligated to continue to speak with them put up with them, etc. even if they are drug addicts, gamblers, alcoholics, abusive, thieves, or just toxic to be around.

    I left home at 18 for similar problems that you are dealing with.

    It's been 12 years and I still haven't spoken to them.

    Best decision I ever made.
     
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  13. orbb

    orbb Contributing Member

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    This sounds great when you are 24 but it will feel horrible at 44, when your kids have no contact with their grandparents. I'd take heed to Eric's post. Parents will always see you as their child. You have to find a fine balance between keeping parents happy and being true to yourself.
     
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  14. Lynus302

    Lynus302 Contributing Member

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    Finals,
    Gestalt therapy talks about unfinished business, and you are smack in the middle of it. In short, it says that you have emotions, thoughts, and feelings that have not been addressed. Because they have not been addressed, they are holding you back in one form or fashion. I'd suggest reading a little about Gestalt. It's fascinating stuff, if nothing else. If you're at all into psych, that is.

    In this, I see two possible solutions:
    1) Tell them what they want to hear and go through the motions. In other words, let them have their illusion. This comes at a sacrifice to your perception of honesty and truthfulness, and how those two things effect you as a whole. Some people are fine with going this route. This frees you to pursue other ideas and interests, albeit more secretively, at the expense of your sense of honesty and truthfulness. Are you prepared to accept this responsibility?

    2) Come clean with your parents, their reaction be damned. Keep in mind that whether or not you feel that you've been through all of this before is completely irrelevant, as you at least perceive that you have more to lay on the table. It's that "unfinished business" again. This frees you to do with yourself what you will at the risk of further arguing and suffering, and ultimately alienation. Are you prepared to accept this responsibility?

    Either path is not easy. Just remember that you are responsible for your feelings, your emotions, and your actions and reactions. See the situation for what it is, see what part you're playing, and what you can control and/or take control of. It is not on you, up to you, or even within your ability to make up or change someones mind for them.

    This in particular caught my attention. What constitutes "running"? Is the addict who leaves his old circle of friends running? Is the abused who leaves their abuser "running"? You situation may not be exactly analogous to these, but the parallel is certainly there: people who are dealing with a negative situation do what they must to get on with life. These are not people who are fleeing the confrontation itself but leaving the negative and destractive influences behind them. There is a great distinction to be made here.

    If you were to say "Y'all suck; peace out," then fine: that would be running. But I didn't get from your original post that this was even an option.

    Take deep breaths. Stay rational. Stay strong.
     
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  15. mikol13

    mikol13 Protector of the Realm
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    Very tough thing to go through, I'm sorry. It's too much for one to carry around. Sometimes parents feel like their way is the only way but that can actually do more damage.

    My advice for starters would be come clean to a point. Sit them down, tell them you love and respect them, but they need to do the same because you're at a point in your life where you really need them to understand. They don't necessarily have to agree but it's important to you that you live your own life and learn on your own for a while.

    Let them know you're not out there doing wrong, you're just living trying to figure things out for yourself, it is your life after all.

    Stay firm but calm, if your dad blows up, simply ask him to listen without judgement; If he can't tell them you'll continue the conversation when they really want to hear you.

    Everyone responds differently, but if you show them you're going to stand strong and be you're own person, while still respecting who they are, hopefully they'll come around if not at first.

    Don't carry it around any longer, it's obviously affecting your everyday life negatively.

    Don't get into a back and forth with them, don't be provoked.
    If you firmly believe what you're doing stay strong stay calm.

    Good luck
     
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  16. Depressio

    Depressio Contributing Member

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    I don't have any advice. I bring only sympathy.

    I cannot stand people that cannot accept others' views; people that can't understand that some people have differing opinions about things. They drive me up a wall. It would be terrible if my parents were like that. I don't know what I would do. The first thing would certainly be: move out. The second thing would probably be telling them the truth and then work to mending the relationship afterwards. If they're not interested in doing so, there's nothing you can really do.

    It's better than hiding in a closet. It's better than getting snooped upon. It's better than wasting your life trying to impress someone that will now never be impressed.
     
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  17. jo mama

    jo mama Contributing Member

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    my mom was always pretty demeaning and negative to me my whole life - she also never hesitated to remind me that my sister was her favorite (note to parents: if you have a favorite child do not tell the others). i moved out at 20 and left houston for austin (not to get away from mom, but it was definitely a nice side-benefit) - good enough distance to keep her out of my daily life, but when we did get together she would still nag, criticize or argue w/ me. a couple years ago i just got to the point where i had enough so i stopped talking to her or calling her. im in my mid-30's and way, way too old to be putting up w/it. i decided that from now on i will have as little to do with her as possible. the only time i see her now is when other family is around and even then we dont speak - i cut the biggest source of negativity out of my life and it works out pretty good for me, i must say.

    basically what im trying to say is that its your life and you have to live it the way you see fit. if they cant accept it than the hell with them. none of this sounds like its your fault - you are being true to who you are. good parents will accept their children and love them no matter what.

    remember what vanilla ice said in 'cool as ice'...

    "If you ain't true to yourself...you ain't true to nobody. Live your life for someone else...and you ain't livin'...straightup fact."

    [​IMG]
     
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  18. jo mama

    jo mama Contributing Member

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    edit function down...

    wanted to add that my mom doesnt try to contact me either - its not 1 sided.
     
  19. v3.0

    v3.0 Contributing Member

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    And now you want to live your life for yourself and not for your parents, I gather.

    Your parents aren't going to change, they're too set in their ways. Be independent enough where you don't need anything from them and only need to make conjugal visits from time to time.

    Just noticed that. I take it that was your choice on staying close to them. If so, seems like your dependency on them (material or emotionally) is the thing that's holding you back.
     
    #39 v3.0, Nov 6, 2010
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2010
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  20. bnb

    bnb Contributing Member

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    good luck finals.

    my 2 cents....if possible....just try not to discuss religion or politics. This is different then pretending to agree. You have your ideas on those subjects and you don't necessarily need their acceptance or approval. So don't force them to give it.

    My father in law sends me countless political emails, and, at my home will sometimes voice his opinions on politicians or the banking system at large. I think he and ToyCen share some source material. The emails go straight to trash, and I laugh off the politics. "Crazy, isn't it" with a half laugh, a shake of the head and a quick change of subject usually works. I'm neither able, nor willing to try to convince him on where a certain President was born -- so I've no interest in discussing it. I can smile politely, respect his person, and decline that discussion without challenging his (wrong) position, or voicing my (right) one. We have lots of other things to discuss. And I do like him, so I'm not interested in this possible rift. Plus I'm rather fond of his daughter.

    Your folks sound more intense. And I've met neither them, nor you. So I don't know how practical this is for you -- or if there's more there. Truly wishing you the best. Maintain perspective. Accept them for who they are (including their weaknesses). Be proud of yourself for who you are...and if there are subjects that are best left silent -- leave them so. This may be a lot more difficult at your age then it is at mine.
     

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