just helping the cause Reasons 1-10 Reason #1 The Title I don't think it ever occurred to anyone that the title of Episode II wouldn't be The Clone War. That seemed like an obvious title and a good one. Lucas then announced that the title would be Attack of the Clones to pay homage to the days of the 1950's movie serial. What he's forgetting is that those serials were terrible! Attack of the Clones, while it will grow on you just as any bad thing will, is a horrible title! Why would you want to pay homage to crap? It's especially bad when you realize that the clones in question are fighting for the good side. That's even less scary and stupider sounding. The title is essentially Attack of the Good Guys. Reason #2 "I shouldn't have come back." The movie begins with an assassination attempt on the life of Senator Amidala. When several of her staff lie dead she says: "I shouldn't have come back." Isn't she a senator? How could she possibly avoid coming back? In what way has she been representing her planet for the past ten years that hasn't involved being in the Senate Chamber with all the other senators? Reason #3 Dissing Yoda When Yoda sees Amidala he says: "Seeing you alive brings warm feeling to my heart." Amidala completely blows by him and starts yammering on about whatever is on her mind. There is so much dialogue like this in the movie. Someone will say something almost human and another person will respond (or not respond) in a completely inhuman way. Yoda can't even score a simple "thank you" from Amidala after his kind words. It's enough to make one wonder if Lucas has ever had a conversation with another living being. Reason #4 Spice Miners "Our intelligence points to disgruntled spice miners, on the moons of Naboo." When the Queen's life is threatened their intelligence points to "disgruntled spice minters on the moons of Naboo." Great. This is just another reason to mention "spice miners" and is never mentioned again. A perfect example of George Lucas going down the Star Wars checklist on his way to making a poor film. "Gundarks?" Check. "Spice Miners?" Check. "Poodoo?" Check. Reason #5 Jimmy Smits I don't mind Jimmy Smits. He seems like a nice enough guy. There is just something so utterly distracting about him in this movie that I can't stand it. Thankfully he's only in a few tiny scenes or I wouldn't have retained a damn thing about this movie. Every scene he is in I am forced to just stare slack-jawed at his magnificence/out-of-placedness. It may be narrow minded but I am just seeing Bobby Simone from NYPD Blue. Okay so I've never actually seen an episode of NYPD Blue but I've seen the commercials. Reason #6 Gundarks They just had to do it. In an elevator ride Anakin pointlessly brings up the time that he saved Obi-Wan after he fell into a "nest of Gundarks". They laugh about it... and it's really dumb. I will eat my hat if Nerf Herders are not mentioned in the next movie. Reason #7 The Meeting "Annie? My goodness you've grown." "And you've grown. More beautiful." This sets it in motion. The groans filled the cinema as this scene just refused to die. You would think that the obvious things (i.e. Palpatine's evil, Amidala and Anakin's romance, Anakin becomes Vader) that everyone knows is going to happen wouldhave a little more in the subtlety department. I am reasonably certain that there will be an agonizingly long baby-naming sequence in the next movie where they agree on "Luke" if it's a boy and "Leia" if it's a girl. They will probably even stumble through some of the original names that Lucas had for Luke like "Dirk Starkiller". It doesn't matter how bad an idea you think of for one of these movies, Lucas will come along and make your idea look good by comparison. Reason #8 Jedispeak "We're trying to protect you, not start an investigation." Why are Jedi always talking like this? Jedi have gone from being just about the coolest thing I can imagine to being know-it-all jerks. Everything anyone says in presence of a Jedi they must be cautious of. If you say anything around a Jedi they'll just change it around. "Master Yoda, we're out of Pop Tarts." "Oooh? So certain are you? Always the Pop Tarts can not be found." "But I looked in the cupboard and it's empty." "Empty the cupboard is not. Absent of food it is. As 'empty' the same it is not." Reason #9 Thought Betrayal At one point early on Obi-Wan warns Anakin to: "Be mindful of your thoughts, they betray you." What? Anakin was just saying something about how the Senator wasn't happy to see him. That's not his thoughts betraying him. I could be wrong but I think they worked in a line exactly like this in Episode I. They need to relax a bit with this line. Perhaps something else would have been in order. A more appropriate line like: "I believe she was happy to see you." Or: "I'm not saying that your thoughts are betraying you or nothing, I'm just saying that she was happy to see you." Reason #10 Bugs Over Bullets The assassination attempts on Amidala continue. Putting a bomb in her ship didn't seem to do the trick so these unknown assassins start to get a little more creative. Amidala's bedroom is protected by laser motion detectors all across the floor while these giant windows remain unguarded. The assassins decide to fly a droid over that will spread a part of the window open (how I'm not sure) and release poisonous bugs that can crawl underneath the lasers and bite the Senator. They opt for this method rather than sending the same droid over with a gun to just shoot her with bullets which would also not trip the lasers and would be foolproof. Instead they send living beings to sneak past Jedi who are masters of the Force, a mystical power created by life. Dumbasses. Reason #11 "Jedi Poodoo." If I hear the word 'Poodoo' one more time I just may lose it. This stupid Sebulba type sees Obi-Wan hanging onto a droid for dear life and is forced to curse: "Jedi Poodoo!" which of course translates loosely as "Jedi food!". Maybe I'm ignoring the fact that most curses don't translate well but it's more that I'm tired of the overuse of the word "poodoo". It would be much cooler if they said something different that you couldn't translate for yourself so you could make your own assumptions about it's meaning. For instance, I would imagine that that creature yelled, "Jesus H. Christ!" Reason #12 "Humor" When Anakin finally catches up with Obi-Wan he asks Anakin: "What took you so long." Anakin responds with the line: "Oh you know master, I couldn't find a speeder I really liked." It doesn't stop there because he goes on an on and on about how he had a particular color in mind and it didn't have the features he was looking for, etc. The lines are delivered with the comedic flare of Alan Greenspan reading an obituary aloud. Obi-Wan then says: "If you spent as much time practicing your swordplay as you do practicing your wit you would rival Master Yoda as a swordsman." No he wouldn't... he would be a really terrible swordsman. And really embarrassing to watch. Reason #13 Couplings "Anakin, how many times have I told you? Stay away from power couplings!" What the hell? They only mentioned this because it was in The Empire Strikes Back. It was a dumb line to begin with, but calling them "power couplings" was even worse. I'd be willing to bet that Obi-Wan has never told Anakin to stay away from power couplings and I'd also like to point out that giant electrical generators would not just be erected in open air to be easily flown into. And if they were that giant they would have fried the two Jedi to a crisp unless they used the Force to trick the electricity into thinking that they were made of rubber. Reason #14 Negligence of Physics Anakin's fall to grab the ship stretches even the most liberal acceptance of the way the Force and physics works. I am willing to suspend disbelief and I am willing to accept the intricacies of the Force but this one pushes it. We know that the Force can't be used to fly and its powers of levitation are very limited so even using the argument that Anakin broke his fall a little still means that he's not only going to have to stop a vertical fall but then accelerate his horizontal motion to at least one hundred miles and hour or have his arms completely ripped off. A scene like the speeder bike seen from Return of the Jedi could have been much more effective where they could have merely jumped from ship to ship and physics could have been obeyed. I have the feeling that Lucas relies a little too much on the Force to get himself out of trouble. "How did he do that?" "The Force." "How did that happen?" "The Force." "Why does this movie suck?" "Uhhh... Gotta go!" Reason #15 "You're going to be the death of me." A part of me almost enjoyed this. I can't explain why but I kinda thought that this was the only good joke of the movie. All evidence points to it being embarrassing so I'm going to at least pretend to take that stance instead. Yet another "Because of what's going to happen..." joke that need not be included in the movie. I kinda liked it... I can't explain why. Reason #16 Changeling When Obi-Wan asks, "Where did he go?" Anakin answers, "I think he's a she and I think she's a changeling." For one thing changelings are lame. That's something stupid that should be limited to Dungeons & Dragons type universe and not Star Wars! Besides, if she was a changeling then why didn't she ever change? You would figure that she may have thought of that seeing that she was trying to hide from them. The only time she takes advantage of her special ability is when she dies and that's probably just a reflex as she changes back to whatever her original form is. And if she was a changeling how the hell could Anakin detect that if she didn't do any changing? Just another needless special effect in a long line of crap that leads up to this scene. Reason #17 Death Sticks In the "club" on Coruscant a man (who, I regret to inform you, just happens to be named Elan Sleazebaggano) offers some "Death Sticks" to Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan tells Elan Sleazebaggano: "You don't want to sell me death sticks. You want to go home and rethink your life." To which Elan Sleazebaggano replies: "I don't want to sell you death sticks. I want to go home and rethink my life." Elan Sleazebaggano might as well have said: "Do you want to buy some Marlboro Lights?" It could be that these may be some sort of drug but they just look exactly like cigarettes. When's the last time someone offered to sell you cigarettes at a bar? I'll answer that for you... NEVER! Reason #18 "It was a bounty hunter called--" Why would a bounty hunter hire someone to find and kill someone? And how is he a bounty hunter if he never finds or kills anyone for bounty. If anything he's an assassin. And a pretty crappy assassin if he's hiring someone else entirely to do his dirty work. It is clear that the only reason they call him a "bounty hunter" at all is because he's wearing the same suit that Boba Fett wore, the obvious problem being that Boba Fett hasn't become a bounty hunter or worn that suit yet. When they finally get her to say who the bounty hunter is she is killed instantly by a poison dart. The two Jedi's senses completely miss the approaching dart which leaves us wondering why Jango Fett didn't just take out one or both of the Jedi. This seems like it would have been a wiser move. Reason #19 Palpatine and Skywalker When Anakin finally gets his first assignment on his own to protect the senator he and Palpatine have an exchange in Palpatine's chambers. "It seems that your patience has finally paid off," Palpatine says. "Your guidance, more than my patience," responds Anakin. What guidance? What are they talking about? This is the only exchange of dialogue between the two in the entire movie and nothing is ever mentioned of Palpatine's guidance. If they had shown any sort of bonding between these characters then perhaps this could have been a good scene but again we are forced to watch a scene which refers to things we either don't see or that never happen. It's as if Lucas felt he needed to build the relationship between the two but he was too busy making lousy special effects to bother including the interpersonal dialogue that it would have required. It may have even required a scene that wasn't filmed entirely in front of a blue screen. Reason #20 The Prophecy Can't they just pretend that that prophecy baloney from the first movie never happened? Prophecies are really dumb to begin with. They were fine two thousand years ago in plays but can't they just be abandoned by now? We get the point of prophecies... you can't do anything to negate a prophecy. The Jedi are apparently too stupid to realize that the way that Anakin is going to bring balance to the force is by killing all but two Jedi. It will be perfectly balanced against the two Sith. Mace Windu and Yoda are just bumbling around blindly accepting this prophecy at face mostly of death and suffering. I'm not buying that crap about their ability to use the Force diminishing. That's a bunch of hooey! It's just a cheap excuse as to why they don't detect Palpatine. After two days of training on Dagobah Luke was able to detect Vader's presence across the vastness of space and Han suffering across the galaxy. I feel strongly that Yoda, after 800 years of Jedi training, would be able to detect the evil inside of Palpatine from across the desk in Palpatine’s office. Reason #21 Representative Binks Apparently the reason that this Galactic Republic has stood for 1,000 years is because of the great rules they have in place. One such rule is that if you don't feel like going to the Senate you can just have your completely unqualified fool of a friend just fill in for you and decide the fate of the entire Galaxy. Reason #22 The Importance of Naboo Naboo seems like a fairly average planet. Why is it that every decision in this Senate--which is so huge that the ceiling and floor are beyond the limits of human site--always ultimately becomes the decision of someone from Naboo. What about Corellia, Kashyyyk and Dantooine? What about Alderaan, Coruscant and Talus? What about Yavin, Rori and Dathomir? What about Sacorria, Arkania and Telasea? What about Bimmisaari, Ord Mantell and Rodia? Etc. Etc. Etc. Reason #23 Anakin's First Tirade After being with Amidala for about a day Anakin decides it's acceptable to show his true colors and he has a fit. He starts complaining about Obi-Wan saying: "It's not fair!" and "He doesn't understand!" Basically he just goes off on a completely unprompted b****fest for no reason. He does do a fairly good job of capturing the essence of Luke from the first two movies but he also does a really good job of flipping out for no reason and yelling at people he hardly knows or hasn't seen in ten years. It would be like burdening someone at your high school reunion about how high your car tax is. Reason #24 Anakin the Jerk Anakin goes from being this little sweetheart in The Phantom Menace to being a complete ******* in Attack of the Clones. He's whiny, creepy, annoying, rude and arrogant. He also throws temper tantrums at two or three points in the movie. What happened to him? He was a pretty well adjusted kid and you would figure that under the guidance of the Jedi he would become even more stable. Instead he turned into a total doofus. He creeps out Amidala by just staring at her like a creepy stalker and when she says, "Please don't look at me like that," he responds by saying, "Sorry," but also displaying a sinister grin and continuing to stare at her! What kind of fool would do this and what's more is why would she be at all attracted to someone like this? There's absolutely no reason why she would fall in love with someone like this. Return of the Jedi works so hard at making the evil Darth Vader into a likeable character despite the things that he has done. This movie comes along and makes the viewer hate Anakin just because he's a total jerk. A huge hole is left in the plot as to why he became this way that just leaves us asking, "Why did Anakin become such a d******d?" Reason #25 Bustin' on Artoo There's this one scene where Padme and Anakin are walking on Naboo and she says she's a little nervous and he confesses to also being nervous since this is his first assignment by himself. "Don't worry," Padme says. "We have Artoo with us." Then they both laugh about how ridiculous a concept it is that Artoo could be at all useful. Artoo beeps and if Threepio were there to translate it would probably be something along the lines of "**** you both." Reason #26 The Diner Obi-Wan decides to visit his friend, Dex--a a big disgusting creature with four arms--to ask him about the poison dart. He meets him at a Diner where Dex works. There are many problems with this scene. One is that the twelve-bar blues is playing in the background during the entire scene and that the diner just looks like something from the 1950's on a planet called Earth. Dex is able to tell just by looking at this dart what planet it comes from. That's great but if he knows apparently more than the Jedi "Analysis Archives" then why the hell is he a short order cook? Also, Obi-Wan is confident that finding where this dart is made he will locate this "bounty hunter". I believe he's taking a great deal for granted in assuming that this person could not have gotten this dart somewhere else, say at a store on another planet. Reason #27 Inept Mystery This mystery designed for ten year olds unfolds as Obi-Wan discovers that the planet he's looking for (where they make the darts) is not in the archives. He decides to find Master Yoda and enlist his help in finding this missing planet. In this scene a baby is able to figure out what Obi-Wan cannot, that the planet has been erased from the archive memory. "Only a Jedi could erase those files." This is what Yoda says. Why? Couldn't someone who maintains the archives do it? Or someone else who's just good with computers? I maintain that a computer expert could do this and that an average Jedi would probably not be able to. I think that the Force is great when flipping around and lifting rocks but it's probably pretty powerless when moving around ones and zeroes. Reason #28 The United States of Naboo Within thirty seconds there is mention that Amidala was so well loved that when her two terms were up they tried to amend the constitution but instead she went on to serve in the senate. Then it's mentioned that after four trials in the Supreme Court that Nute Gunray is still in charge of the trade federation. Two terms? Constitution? Supreme Court? This is just the United States of America! Where is the creative vision? I would be willing to bet that there are three branches to their government: The Judicial, the Legislative and the Executive. Some people read Tolkien or Heinlein for inspiration but apparently Lucas gets his inspiration from an eighth grade Social Studies book. Reason #29 The Cloners The entire scene just smacks of video game plot. Watching it you get the feeling that you are just playing a Sierra game from the late eighties. And it's everything, the layout of the set, the graphics, the plot and the dialogue. I spent most of the scene wishing that I had brought a mouse so that I could tell Obi-Wan to search for objects and look out the window. Reason #30 The Kiss In this scene the audience is left stunned as Anakin begins saying to Padme that, "I don't like sand. It's coarse and irritating and it gets everywhere. Everything here is soft and smooth." You can sense they're going to kiss but you think that you must be wrong because everything up until this point has showed Anakin to be a total numbskull and that she must be creeped out. When they begin kissing you can't help but wonder why it's happening. The music gets loud and grand but then she snaps away and the music cuts quickly leaving a decaying reverb in the theatre and it's just plain comical. You can't help but laugh out loud. Reason #31 Lack of Disturbance in the Force You would think that it would stand to reason that a giant facility that is loaded with 200,000 clones of the same man would trigger some sort of mild tremor in the Force that Obi-Wan would be able to detect. He was able to detect the death of billions on Alderaan on the other side of the Galaxy yet in the same room with all of these Clones he senses nothing unusual. I'm not saying that he should think they're evil or anything but I think that they should create a very weird disturbance in the Force. Reason #32 Amidala's Virginity While lying in an overly romantic meadow Padme and Anakin are discussing her "first time". One has to assume they're talking about sex and that's kinda gross because she says she was twelve and it was with someone in the "Legislative Youth" program. If it doesn't mean sex then they are handling that scene very poorly. Either way it's pretty superfluous.
Reason #33 The Romance I may be told that I am unable to judge romance because I am a guy but I heartily disagree. I don't mind romance at all. I even kinda like sappy movies like Kissing a Fool and Boys and Girls. It's a guilty pleasure of mine. The romance in Attack of the Clones was just plain creepy. Poor dialogue and acting aside this was just a disturbing romance. He's always just staring at her like he can't wait to get her in the sack and it makes her visibly uncomfortable. It was a poor job of building chemistry between the two actors. It's amazing that they had a romance in real life with the distinct lack of sparks we saw on the screen. This is not your father's Star Wars romance. Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher must feel embarrassed for these two actors. This is undoubtedly the fault of Lucas who's bull-in-a-China-shop approach to dialogue is one of the only things worse than his ability to direct live action actors. Reason #34 Boba Fett Boba Fett should not have been in this movie. What is Lucas thinking?!?! He feels this insane need to squash every bit character from the first three films into this film just because he can. The man who claims that he doesn't care if people don't like Jar Jar has given into a bunch of demands (less Jar Jar, more Boba Fett, No N'Sync) while completely forgetting that there is a story to be told. A story that has no room for an eight year old Boba Fett. He's the most wonderfully annoying character too, the way he's always smiling and giggling whenever his father does something evil. I felt the blood rush out of my face when he made his first appearance on the set. Boba Fett is such a nothing character! He had like three lines in Empire Strikes Back and even fewer in Return of the Jedi. Why everyone thinks he's so cool is beyond me but that's an entirely different matter all together. Everyone that could conceivably have been alive or existed at the time of the prequel trilogy is popping up and it's just plain dumb. I am dreading Episode III where we will do doubt see a baby Lando Calrissian and Senator Salacious P. Crumb. Reason #34.5 Boba Fett Quote To build on the stupidity of having Boba Fett in this movie I would like to refer to a recent quote from Rick McCallum, one of the producers of this prequel trilogy. "You get to understand the relentlessness that Boba has," McCallum says. "Here, and especially in 'Episode III,' you’ll understand why he’s so obsessed with destroying any part of the Skywalker family." What the hell? Has Rick McCallum ever even seen a Star Wars film? Boba Fett isn't obsessed with destroying anything, he's just a bounty hunter. Lucasfilm is so enamored with Boba Fett's ability to sell t-shirts and other merchandise that they've completely forgotten the character's beginnings. Sure he's cool looking and everything but he's just a bounty hunter. He isn't obsessed with destroying the Skywalker family. Where the hell did that come from? I would bet that by the end of The Empire Strikes Back Boba Fett barely even knows who Luke Skywalker is. I don't know who Lucas and his band of lackeys is trying to fool with quotes like this. Boba Fett is being built into this character that he is not. If the unexplainable Boba Fett phenomenon had never occurred then Boba or Jango wouldn't even be in the movie. If IG-88 or Bossk had for some reason become popular then there would probably be a baby version of one of them in Attack of the Clones. Instead of doing things merely to entertain a braindead thirteen year old maybe it would be cooler to make a believable story with substance. Instead Lucas's entire motivation for making movies these days sees to be the pure joy of making doofuses the world over say, "Aw COOL!" Reason #35 The Shrinking Force Mace and Yoda mention that their power in using the Force is diminishing. This is pretty weak. Why? They may explain it in Episode III but I hope Lucas had better use ALL that time thinking up an explanation because it's going to have to be a good one. He knows he's painted himself into a corner with the whole situation as far as no one detecting Palpatine's evil. Now he's buying a little time so he can try to figure out why. Between you and me I think he's got nothing. Reason #36 Video Games On the planet Kamino there is a showdown between Obi-Wan and Jango Fett. This scene takes place on a landing platform around the Slave I. Jango begins flying around and firing missiles out of his jetpack and it didn't strike me until I saw the movie a second time but this scene is almost exactly like a level from the Star Wars video game Shadows of the Empire for the Nintendo 64. At the end when Jango is almost defeated he even has to avoid fire from the Slave I just like in the game. It's a sad day when Lucas's best ideas come from five year old video games created using his universe. At the rate this franchise is swirling down the drain I would wager that Darth Donkey Kong is going to make an appearance in Episode III Reason #37 Owen and Beru On Tatooine Owen introduces himself to Anakin and says: "This is my girlfriend, Beru." It seems like a harmless line until you hear it and then you want to die. You also realize that C-3P0 is there working on the farm and R2-D2 comes along with Anakin and Padme. It is conceivable that Owen would not remember R2-D2 but if C-3P0 was working there then how the hell would he not remember him in Episode IV? I know that this point could be argued but I don't want to hear it. This just couldn't have happened. If Owen did remember Threepio and didn't want to admit it in Episode IV then he certainly wouldn't have purchased him if keeping Luke's family history a secret was so damn important to him. Owen and Beru didn't really serve any purpose in this movie other than being in it just because they could be. They didn't have a lot of lines they merely acted really creeped out by Anakin and kinda looked like they hated him. Who can blame them? Reason #38 The Shadow When Padme and Anakin share an intimate moment outside the Lars residence on Tatooine we can see the shadow of Anakin against the house and it looks just like he's wearing a Darth Vader mask! Does that sound cool? Then you obviously didn't see Attack of the Clones! This could have been a really cool subtle effect if it weren't for the fact that the camera focuses directly on the shadows and not on the actors at all! In lieu of subtlety Lucas chooses to slap the viewer across the face with this scene for what must be at least twenty or thirty seconds. This is a far cry from the George Lucas who would build entire sets just to blow them up in the background of a shot. Now we must be forced to stare at whatever he has created for an uncomfortably long amount of time and bask in the grandeur of his special effects wizardry. There is little reason to watch these movies repeatedly when every point is nailed into your skull on the first viewing. Reason #39 Nute Gunray I can think of nothing that I needed less than seeing Nute Gunray again. He was the most stale worthless villain of the silver screen in the past decade. The fact that they brought him back made me weak with disappointment. I found it hard to even build up the strength to cringe when I saw him on the screen again. Reason #40 Wat Tambor This is a member of the "Techno Union" who looks a lot like Pimpbot from Conan O'Brien. It's cute when Conan O'Brien does it because he's trying to look ultra cheesy and campy for a laugh but when Lucas does the same thing it does nothing but serve to interrupt any sort of realism or continuity. Before you start sending me the emails, I know that this is fiction and that it's not real but it doesn't seem to me to exist in this universe. It's a typical 1950's Earth robot in a grand science fiction epic. It's great fun and it's hilarious and he looks totally foolish but is that necessarily a good thing? It's not that I don't think humor belongs in these movies. I just think that clever dialogue would work better than inserting lame inside jokes like E.T. and this 50's robot. As Jacques had predicted it would just be a matter of time before Lucas started stealing things from parodies of his own movies to use in future films. I think that that line has finally been crossed. Reason #41 Anakin's Mother Much of this movie reminds me of the science fiction novels I used to write when I was twelve. Novels that were inspired by a childhood full of watching Star Wars. This movie is very reminiscent of me looking through one of those old novels I wrote in that it makes me grimace almost uncontrollably. But these novels were written by a dim-witted twelve-year-old and not an esteemed Hollywood movie maker. When Anakin finds out that his mother has been kidnapped by Tusken Raiders and then decides to find her, the scene that takes place is unacceptable. Anakin wanders into the camp and takes out his lightsaber, cutting open the first hut that he sees to reveal his mother tied to a post with a few cuts on her face. Anakin and she exchange several coherent sentences until she just dies, apparently from a nick on her forehead. Anakin then proceeds to get really pissed off. There was no apparent reason for her to die, she looked like she had gotten into a minor fight at a middle school. Anakin actually puts his hand over her face to closer her eyes, you know, like they do in every movie. As in the first movie, Pernilla August turns in possibly the best live action performance as Shmi Skywalker. Shmi Skywalker, however, is still a dumb name. Reason #42 Cheese For Anakin's Whine Anakin gets all pissy after he can't save his mother from the sand people. He goes on this tirade that is supposed to show us how he has a dark side. Once again something like this could stand to be a little more subtle since about one fifth of the Earth's population is already quite aware that Anakin has a dark side. His second temper tantrum has him screaming five-year-old things like: "I will be the most powerful Jedi ever!" and "I should be all-powerful!" Then he throws some stuff and says, "It's all Obi-Wan's fault!" What? What does he mean? How could this be Obi-Wan's fault? You would think that Lucas could think of a better reason than NO REASON AT ALL for Anakin to want to turn on his master. Oh wait, no you wouldn't! Reason #43 "I will never join you!" While Obi-Wan is imprisoned in a strange blue field, Dooku offers Obi-Wan a deal. "Join me," he says. "And together we will destroy the Sith." It's a really crappy cliche that has no purpose because you don't see any sort of emotion on Obi-Wan's face at all. He simply turns his head slightly and then simply says, "I will never join you, Dooku." End of story. It is clear that Obi-Wan's decision has been made. He is calm and firm about his answer so the audience is never thinking, Gee, what's going to happen? Is Obi-Wan being tempted? It's not like in The Empire Strikes Back where Luke is confused and doesn't know what to believe or what to do. Luke is torn between believing someone he trusts who may have been lying to him and believing someone he hates who, deep down, he knows is telling the truth. "Join me!" "Nope." "Okay." Just doesn't have the same sense of urgency. Reason #44 Adolph Binks Jar Jar's role is small in this film. Small but important. In the beginning of the film when he was on screen you could have cut the tension in the theatre with a knife. Everyone just joined in a collective cringe with every word that came out of his mouth. You could just feel it. While it is stupid that he was appointed to fill in for a senator it cannot be argued that Jar Jar had the most important role in the film and possibly in the entire series as a whole. Palpatine, through simple parental-like reverse Psychology, manages to get Jar Jar to bear the brunt of the responsibility of beginning the Clone Wars. It's very disturbing that it's presented in a humorous manner as if this was just another of Jar Jar's antics. Jar Jar's decision will ultimately put Emperor Palpatine in power and destroy all but two of the Jedi Knights. Even those cute little kids we get to see Yoda training in the Jedi Academy sequence. All of those kids are going to be ruthlessly murdered. Four and five year olds, dead and the blood is on Jar Jar's hands. Ha ha ha! Okay you got me, that is pretty funny! Oh Lucas, you card! Reason #45 The Assembly Line When Padme, Anakin, C3P0 and R2D2 finally arrive on Geonosis they find that Count Dooku has set up a factory which is manufacturing battle droids. Manufacturing them in this giant plant complete with molten metal, conveyor belts and presses. I'm surprised that George Lucas didn't dig up some old Carl Stalling records to insert into the soundtrack here seeing that it already looks exactly like a Warner Brothers cartoon. For no good reason they are knocked down onto a conveyor belt and are forced to time their jumps carefully as not to be crushed by these giant stamps that crash down onto the metal plates. Where have I seen this before? Oh yeah, in EVERY video game I have every played! Reason #46 C3P0's Stunts & Antics C3P0 is awfully limber all of a sudden. The droid that can barely bend his knees and can't seem to bend his elbows at all is suddenly graced with an acrobatic grace throughout this one flawed scene. In a change of events more reminiscent of the Droids! cartoon than of Star Wars, Threepio is suddenly hanging on to a speeding cart by his fingertips and climbing around with physics-defying skills similar to those displayed by Anakin earlier in the film. By stretching the term "suspension of disbelief" as far as possible so that it is approximately one atom thick, one can assume that the Force plays a part in Anakin's stunts. How can Threepio's stunt be explained? Undoubtedly there will be an inept definition of machine midi-chlorians in the next movie. And Threepios's antics are possible the worst Threepio antics to date. He was annoying in A New Hope, distracting in The Empire Strikes Back, downright despicable in Return of the Jedi and just dumb in The Phantom Menace. In Episode II we see Threepio bumbling around in yet another unfunny attempt for laughter. The comedic ineptitude seems as if it will never end as his head is put on a fighter droid's body and a fighter droid's head is put on his body. You can only imagine the hilarious scenes that ensue as Threepio is now unwillingly fighting in a droid army. Oh for fun! Reason #47 R2D2 Flies This may have been the most insulting point of the movie for me. What midi-chlorians made me feel in Episode I, R2-D2's flying made me feel in Episode II. I was enraged when he began flying around. Since when? Since? When? When I saw Artoo flying around in the trailers I was willing to give that scene the benefit of the doubt. Maybe something latched onto him and was carrying him around. Maybe he got shot through the air with some blast or something. Nope. He just came to the end of the floor and decided he was going to reveal these hidden jets in his legs and fly. What's more is that he decided he would never do it again! Artoo rolls around through the sands of Tatooine, he gets blocked by immoveable objects on Cloud City and he stupidly falls off of Jabba's sail barge to avoid the explosion. What about this situation in Episode II seemed to warrant these rockets is beyond me. It is clearly just visual and effects masturbation on Lucas's part. Reason #48 Anakin's Predicament In the conveyor belt sequence Anakin's arm is stamped down into a piece of metal. All the other metal is stamped flat but for some reason Anakin's arm is encased in an Anakin's arm shaped piece of metal instead of being crushed. So now he's trapped. At first I thought that Anakin may end up having to chop his own arm off to escape the situation. I thought how that could be a really great moment and how he could have been the one who begins the disfigurement which will ultimately end up leading him to his signature Darth Vader suit. Then I remembered in the trailer how he duels with two lightsabers so that wouldn't happen. I also remembered that Lucas is a fool. Instead Anakin, after struggling for a minutes to try to work free from the molded metal that is imprisoning his arm just simply pulls his hand free at the last moment with no given explanation. Reason #49 The Execution Sequence Ah, the classic movie problem of villains executing people in a much too elaborate fashion. This time the concept is stretched beyond the limits of human reason. Let's take three people and chain them to poles and then release three monsters, so ridiculous looking that it will be impossible for the audience to not laugh at their sheer absurdity. Then we will have three guys with electric prods, force these terrible monsters towards the three people seeing as how the monsters won't be very interested in the people at all. Great. Count Dooku is supposed to be this brilliant man. At one point Jango Fett becomes the voice of reason and basically says: "You know, this isn't going as well as we had hoped. Let me shoot them." And Count Dooku won't allow it. Why is this? Is he having second thoughts? Is he really a good guy? No. There's no explanation given. He just won't allow it. I guess Count Dooku really had his heart set on having them eaten by animals. Poor guy.
Reason #50 "I've got a bad feeling about this." Typically this line has been given when nothing particularly bad is going on but there may be a sense of foreboding. This is clearly not a GOOD situation that they are in as these giant monsters are approaching them. Lucas can't even seem follow his own stupid rules Reason #51 "She can't do that!" Okay it's kinda funny when things in the execution begin going awry and Nute Gunray turns to Count Dooku and says: "She can't do that! Shoot her or something!" But it does lead us to the important question: Why didn't they just shoot them in the first place? The whole execution sequence is spent watching everyone in the balcony biting their fingernails in suspense as the Jedi and Padme escape harm. If they want them dead so bad then why did they pick this way to dispose of them. Of course the debate can be made that Count Dooku wanted to let Anakin go because he and Palpatine want him to join them. However I would counter that debate with this one: What if one of the monsters did eat Anakin? Reason #52 The Titanium Crotch There's this one scene where Padme jumps from a tall pillar and lands, legs spread, on the back of one of the execution monsters. Now I'm not a woman but I've read in medical journals that women do not have the same sensitive bits between their legs that men do. While this may or may not be true I still find if very hard to believe that a woman could perform this task and be completely unfazed by the whole thing. The jump had to have been twenty feet. I would be willing to bet that freefalling even a mere five feet and landing on your crotch would make you double over, man or woman. Of course my fourth grade knowledge of the female anatomy could be leaving me in the dark. Reason #53 "This party's over." So Mace Windu, everyone's favorite Jedi for some reason, shows up and saves the day. He puts his lightsaber in front of Jango Fett and actually says, "This party's over." It leaves one wondering if Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be playing a Jedi in the next film. Crappy tag lines should not be permitted, this is Star Wars for God's sake! Reason #54 The Rhineclone Cowboy Yeah that title was pretty weak but what do you want from me? Maybe this is really minor but did Jango Fett really have to twirl his gun like a cowboy? Come on! Enough is enough! This is similar to one of the few problems I have with the original Return of the Jedi where Chewbacca yells like Tarzan. It's just completely kicks you in the face and throws whatever chance you have of getting lost in a fantasy world right out the window. Reminder: YOU'RE ON EARTH AND NONE OF THIS IS TRUE!!! Reason #55 Aggressive Negotiations This is a total Hollywood action movie thing to do. Earlier on in the movie Anakin is telling Padme about a situation that required he and Obi-Wan to begin "Aggressive Negotiations". "What's that?" Padme asked. "Negotiations with a lightsaber." The scene could almost be let go except for at the end where in the middle of a battle they bring it back when Anakin asks her, "You call this a diplomatic solution?" To which she replies, "No, I call it aggressive negotiations." This may look better in print than it did on screen. Star Wars comedy has never been the pinnacle of humorous writing, but it's had its moments in the past. Now they just seem content to take punch lines from movies like Die Hard and Con Air. Reason #56 Clone War Ethics/General Yoda There's something about the scene where Yoda flies in on the ship and begins dishing out orders to clones that really sends shivers up my spine. This is the point in the movie where the real ethics behind cloning humans for cannon fodder really came into question. Yoda may not wish harm to come to his Jedi and he may want to extinguish this enemy threat before it gets even bigger but would Yoda, the all powerful and wise master of the Jedi, really stand behind an army made up of clones? Perhaps now that the Force is just some stupid things in your cells it may not matter but in the Star Wars that I remember, the Force was something a little more pure and mystical. I still think that this clone army would create some "trippy vibes" that the Jedi would not like. Yoda again falls a few notches in the respect category as this movie presses on. Reason #57 The Helmet After Mace Windu decapitates Jango Fett it is for some reason a big deal. They show the shock on Dooku's face as Jango's lifeless body falls to the ground. Mace Windu even seems upset by what he has just done. Why? This was a battle. Mace Windu kills plenty of other people without skipping a beat. Is it because he knows how cool Boba Fett is going to be? That can be the only explanation. Boba is upset by this, understandably, and he makes his way out onto the arena floor to mourn his father. In this scene he picks up his father's helmet and looks at it. One can't help but wonder why Jango's head didn't fall out of the helmet and roll around on the ground. It defies logic! Everyone in the theatre had to be wondering that. It would have been great because Boba would undoubtedly have been moved to hysterics. Reason #58 Yoda's English I think I made it clear in my 78 Reasons to Hate Star Wars: Episode I article that Yoda's peculiar grasp of language doesn't seem to be the same as it is in The Empire Strikes Back. But it takes a turn for the worse in this film as he speaks almost normally at points. I still firmly believe that Yoda, who spends all of his time around people who speak perfectly, would have figured out how to talk in the 800 some odd years he spent training as a Jedi. I can see the emails pouring in right now telling me that it gives Yoda depth as a character and that it makes him unique and I understand that. I think Yoda's great but one has to wonder how Celine Dion can speak perfect English after five years and Yoda still struggles with sentence structure after 800. He gets all the words in there, he just can't seem to put the sentences together in the right order. It makes you wonder if he suffers from dyslexia. Strong is he with the force, but not strong enough to conquer his own dyslexia. Reason #59 The Death Star They showed it very briefly on a computer screen and it became evident what they were working on. I couldn't believe it. Lucas continues to amaze me with how much he can cheaply insert into this movie from the first three movies for no good reason. Then after this they showed the plans for the Death Star yet again but for a much longer time in case you were just too dumb to have noticed the almost subtle appearance of it a few moments earlier. What was even worse was the guy sitting behind me in the theatre that was genuinely amazed by this turn of events. The thing is that it just doesn't even make any sense anymore. Qui-Gon was Dooku's apprentice, Dooku was Yoda's apprentice, Vader was Luke's father, Boba Fett was a clone, etc. It's just so inane and boring now. What's next? Jar Jar was Chewbacca's father, Admiral Akbar was a test tube baby, Captain Panaka's illegitimate son is... Lando Calrissian! It doesn't matter anymore. The only thing at this point that could shock me is finding out that Palpatine isn't the emperor. That would genuinely shock me and could possibly be cool since it would be a twist. Everything else is just people mentioning shocking things as quickly as they can think of them without any regards to the plot. Plus, if it took them thirty years to build the first Death Star how come it took less than a year to build the second Death Star. An argument could be made that they begun building them simultaneously but I'm not buying that for a second. Reason #60 Remembering Admiral Motti An inconsistency side note Admiral Motti, as you may remember, is the person in A New Hope that becomes frustrated with Darth Vader and says: "Don't try and frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel's hidden fort..." and is subsequently choked by Darth Vader. Admiral Motti has got to be in his mid to late forties. Being a high ranking officer in the Empire he most certainly remember a time not to long ago (when he was about twenty) when there were thousands of Jedi who wandered the galaxy and were known by EVERYONE. He is undoubtedly from Coruscant, the home planet of the empire and former seat of the Jedi Council. If he really stretches and delves deep into the recesses of his memory he may even remember the Jedi having a huge part in Galactic Government. Admiral Motti is even credited with constructing the Death Star. We now know that he must have received those plans from Count Dooku, a former Jedi master. Reason #61 Yoda's Battle In a much anticipated scene Yoda finally decides that he is going to kick some ass when he sees that Anakin and Obi-Wan are in trouble. So we see a struggle between Yoda and Count Dooku that while it is kinda boring shows them tossing lightning back and forth at each other and throwing around giant stone fragments. After a while of this going on Count Dooku says, "It is obvious that this contest cannot be decided by our knowledge of the Force but by our skills with a lightsaber." They don't bother explaining why this is. The only reason to assume they wouldn't be able to settle this with their knowledge of the Force is that it would be cooler to see Yoda fight with a lightsaber. Yoda should be above using a lightsaber, plain and simple. This battle sequence is simply pandering to the lowest common denominator because Lucas thought it would be funny and cool. Part of me even wants to think that this is cool but then I remember that it's really stupid. Yoda's Grover-like battle cry as he launches into action adds more insult to injury. His insane cackling makes you afraid of Yoda and even more afraid that you are really witnessing this and that it's not just a sick and twisted nightmare. Reason #62 The Imperial March Putting in the Imperial March is yet another way this movie incompetently combines things from the first three movies and completely ignores subtlety. As if the fact that the clones look exactly like Imperial stormtroopers isn't enough we are kicked in the side of the head by the Imperial March. Reason #63 The Ending While I appreciate George Lucas' attempt at trying to rekindle the emotions felt by Star Wars fans at the end of The Empire Strikes Back I think that possibly it could have been done in a way where it wasn't just EXACTLY the same ending! Cut to guy with his arm around a girl, cut to prosthetic hand, cut to C3P0 and R2D2 making noise. It was the same damn ending. It wasn't nostalgic. It wasn't cute. It was cheap, repetitive and just plain bad. Reason #64 Jonathan Hales Jonathan Hales co-wrote Attack of the Clones with Lucas. I was very, very, very skeptical about this movie until I heard that Lucas had hired a co-writer. I then became merely very, very skeptical. After seeing the movie I am left with just one questions: What did Jonathan Hales do? This seems exactly like The Phantom Menace. This man is obviously nothing more than a yes man for Lucas. If he were a real co-writer with any sort of power he would surely have argued many points to Lucas. A New Hope was a good movie but what really made it and even Return of the Jedi stand out was the brilliance of The Empire Strikes Back. What made that movie great is that Lucas mapped it out, Lawrence Kasdan wrote it and Irvin Kershner directed it under the supervision of Lucas. That kind of collaboration turned an otherwise ordinary movie into a great movie. The fact that Lucas was naive enough to think that he could do everything himself with the first movie is absurd. After the failure of that movie that he tried again to do everything with no help or suggestions is preposterous! No matter how good Episode III is it is undoubtedly powerless to save the franchise. The final scene of Episode III has long been known to fans as the scene where Anakin puts on the Darth Vader mask for the first time. This sounds like it could potentially be an amazing and powerful scene to conclude this prequel trilogy. Unfortunately it's going to be handled by the one man who could possibly ruin something that conceptually great... George Lucas.
Smegistrator, I'm getting a sneaking suspicion there was a valid reason why Crisco opted to post only the link.
it's a freaking kids movie!!! i can' t believe someone would spend this much time trying to show how smart they are by pointing out the holes in a movie aimed at kids! what a waste of time...life is much too short.
