I haven't gotten a call in months since being added to the no call list but these are pretty good. 20 ways to monkey with telemarketers Compiled by Amy C. Fleitas • Bankrate.com Telemarketers are the ones we love to hate. Not only are their calls unsolicited and annoying, but they seem to come just as you are sitting down to eat or hopping into the shower. What do you do? Hang up on the caller or politely decline to listen? Get mad? Some people have made an art of playing with the telemarketers and getting a few chuckles along the way. We asked you to send in your clever responses to telemarketers' calls. Here are the best of the pranks. Speak to the little lady of the house We have a 5-year-old daughter who loves to talk. If I answer the phone and discover a telemarketer on the other end, I just quietly hand the phone to our daughter ... and let the fun begin! [/b]Give them the man of the house[/b] When they ask for the man of the house, I ask them to hold; then I put my 2-year-old son on the phone. Have I got a deal for you Interrupt the telemarketer's sales pitch and ask them if they would like to buy something from you (could be anything that you're selling). That will usually get them to end the call. I do Ask the telemarketer to marry you. Seriously, this will probably shock them and they won't know what to say. You have reached my voicemail Say: "Hello." (Wait on them to start talking.) "I'm sorry we can't come to the phone right now. Please leave a message. Beep." Funny you called "You know, I was just thinking about (doing, buying) just that very same thing. So, I said to myself, 'Self, why don't you just (do, buy) it and get over it.' To my amazement, self replied with a loud, 'GO FOR IT!'" (Keep talking to take control of the conversation, never letting the telemarketer speak so he or she can't actually try to sell you anything.) "Well, me and myself will discuss it more and we'll get back to you." From a country song "I'd love to, but my wife just left me, she cut the tires on my truck, I had to bury my dog, and I only have half a Bud Light bottle left. I'm not worried about the rest, but if you start selling beer, give me a call." Have you planned for the future? When I see "out of area" on the caller ID, I answer the phone with the name of a made-up insurance company. Then I try to sell the person life insurance. I'll ask questions like, "What if something happened to you?" or "Are you sure your final needs can be met?" Usually, they end up hanging up on me. Reply in gibberish Answer the phone in a pretend foreign language. She's not … here I have told people that the person they were asking for was hideously mangled in a train wreck. If they ask for my wife, I sometimes say that she recently left me, then tell the caller she sounds cute and ask her out. And you are? I'd love to hear more about why you are calling me, but I'm in the middle of dinner right now. Why don't you give me your home number so I can call and irritate you in the middle of your meal? Keep talking Rather than find creative ways in which to hang up on telemarketers, I decided many years ago that I could provide a public service by keeping them on the phone for as long as possible. The longer they spend with me, the less time they have to call other people. Often, they'll hang up on me before I can hang up on them! What did I win? Sometimes I'll act as if the sales call is one to inform me that I've won a prize. I'll exclaim, "I've never won anything in my life!" Then I'll ask for details on when and how my prize will be sent to me. And no matter how many times it's explained to me, I will never quite understand that I've won nothing and instead am being asked to buy something. I'm already connected If I'm being offered a loan or mortgage refinance, I'll ask if it can "fly under the radar," because I have a large loan at a very high interest rate from "family" who would become very upset if I obtained loans elsewhere. I'll suggest that we meet somewhere discreet to discuss details. Ever hear of women's lib? My wife is especially perturbed when they ask for the "Man of the House." So she then starts talking in hushed tones and saying, "Oh, no sir. The Master isn't here. He keeps me locked down here in the basement when he goes out, so I can't check for him now." Phone flirting I am big on the phone flirting. Use your best Joey voice from "Friends": "How you doin?" or, "You sound really attractive. Do you call here often?" How long do you have? Say: "Sorry to interrupt you. I really want to talk to you, but can you hold on for a few minutes? I just need to finish up the call from the last telemarketer. He called me about an hour ago." What's it worth? "Now before I listen to your pitch, there are a few things we need to cover. My minimum rate for listening is $35 an hour. Of course, I can offer you upgrades that give you additional benefits, as well as a greater chance that I may buy what you are selling. The deluxe package is $55 per hour and offers a 2 percent chance of purchase, and the super-deluxe package is $75 per hour, and offers a 3 percent chance of purchase. Now before we get to that, I will need you to send in an application as well as a minimal application fee of $55. You will also need to include with your payment a $35 payment for a credit report. Once your credit has been approved, I will be able to accept your non-refundable good-faith security deposit, which I require, of $100. After closing, and you have paid my standard closing costs of $250, we will then be able to proceed with your sales pitch. Can I sign you up?" Call the cult "Sorry I can't talk, I am about to cut off my tongue to achieve ultimate power." It's good enough for Cuba I always get them to scream, "Show me the money!" like in "Jerry Maguire." Thank you to all the readers who sent in replies. Let's keep them coming. If you have a funny reply to telemarketers, send them to telemarketers@bankrate.com.
or get put on federal and state no call lists...and don't get called at all. i haven't received a telemarketer's phone call in a very, very long time.
I use my "medicated" old man voice, where I sound like Homer Simpson's Dad,...and then I ramble and talk about things that have no bearing to what the telemarketer cares for...I say I'm old, and ugly ...and I'm all alone...I can't get outta bed...My back hurts and I reckon you a young un, but I recall sitting for long periods and blah, blah, blah....then I ask for money for drugs...
don't get me wrong...these are hilarious! but my quality of life went up when telemarketers stopped calling!
I posted this here before, but here is what I do: I let the telemarketer get into his or her spiel for about 30 seconds, to see if they are someone I want to mess with. If they aren't I interrupt them, say no thank you, and hang up. If they are someone I want to mess with, I interrupt them and tell them that I have something in the oven, and will they hang on for a moment? They always say yes. I then sit down on my couch with the phone and a cold beer. I slowly sip the beer and check the phone every couple of minutes to see if they are still hanging on. If they are still hanging on after 10 or 15 minutes, I hang up the phone.
Don't mess with these people. Its their bosses that need the tongue lashing. These people get paid nothing to do something that they know people are going to hate. If the product they are schilling isn't too expensive, I'll typically buy it and give them some selling techniques, as well as future job advice. Messing with them gratifies nobody but yourself, you selfish b*stard. Try helping them out. At least by giving them job advice. Believe me, they're not happy doing what they're doing now.
Speaking of this, I am having a problem receiving unsolicited faxes. By my count, and based on the Federal Telecommunications Act, I am up to about $30,000 worth of faxes that I can sue for. Anyone know of a good Federal attorney that has experience with these types of suits??
The folks that actually call you are just poor schmuks, just like you, trying to find a job and make a living. Their only alternative is to join a gang and sell crack or their bodies so how about giving them a break and and just politely saying "no thank you and please have your company not call me again" and then hanging up. If you can get to and jack with the the guys who actually run the show, fine. But I'm quite sure the people making the calls have enough trouble waiting for them back at the trailer park that your little games won't make much impact Just get on the list. I don't get any calls anymore except from my cable company.
What about those marine guys? They drive me nuts, I kept telling them that I'm not interest in getting killed overseas, but they keep calling me back.
I used to be a telemarketer (hey I'm just a teenager!), but nobody ever got me with anything like these. Most people were actually pretty nice about their "no's". Then again, I was collecting money for the fire dept so people usually gave money.... But since I was FIRED from that job, I've become filled with a pure hatred for telemarketers, so I might have to use a lot of these kind of things. If it's a woman I usually do the flirting thing with them and hear em out, but if it's a guy I just say something sarcastic and hang up.
it's the surveys i hate. Do you have ten minutes to help us develop a product? Thanks so much, but i have better things to do with my time! Only solution, i think, is to LIE! Yep. Lie in the surveys, lie in the political polls. Because when they find their data is not reliable, perhaps they'll stop calling! And don't buy from them.
Or the Army guys, or anyone else. They used to call me all the time, and I used to tell them that unfortunately, I have arthritis, and am physically incapable of walking, let alone running 10 miles - which is the truth, for those who don't know. They still call, or send emails, or pamphlets in the mail.
One time i was woken up after a long nite of heavy drinking by a telemarketer. So I pulled out my Lil' Jon voice when I talked... "Are you interested in long distance service?" "Whhhhhaaaat?!?" "I said are you interested in long distance service, sir?" "Yeeeeaaa-uuuuh!" "Well, if you are serious, then we can go ahead and start filling out an application over the phone" "Okkkkkk-aaaaay!" After about three minutes I hung up the phone, funny thing is the telemarketer was laughing her ass off, but still thought i was interested.
i get these people calling me at work saying that they are faxing me some information as we speak and could they have my fax number. sure, buddy.
How about Fingers? They switched their billing system that ended up with me owing $2.42. After about eight calls a day, with me repeatedely telling them that I didn't owe anything, I finally called them myself this morning. In about 10 seconds, they rectified the situation. In the 12 hours since I made the call, I received eight calls from Fingers asking me when I was going to pay the $2.42. These aren't telemarketers per se, but I thought it'd fit here. BTW, these kids who decide to telemarket could easily go get a job at any fast food restaurant, or hell, they could easily find a decent waitering gig. I have no sympathy for them.
