Whatever she wants to talk about is what you talk about. In the absence of her directing the conversation/activities, I'd try to be as normal as possible. Thankfully, I've never really been in your position, but that is what I would try to do. Focus on enjoying the time left rather than focusing on how little time there is.
If the thought of her impending departure is dominating your thoughts and interactions with her, then you probably still have a lot of grieving and/or coming-to-terms left to do. So, do what you can to get through that ASAP, if you can. Otherwise, you're going to need to be really resolute and push those feelings aside for the rest of her time. For her sake, make each day and moment count. Stuff them to the brim with positivity and joy. There will be plenty of time for grieving later.
For her to make that decision, she must have gone through quite some anguish, both mentally and physically. That's a decision that you can only respect. The best thing to do is to help her live through the remaining parts of her life with dignity, laughter, and love. If she wants to talk about it, and you feel comfortable, by all means, go ahead. If you still have questions to ask her, I ask her if she's okay talking about it. Some people in this state are okay, and others are drastically not. Everyone varies. Do whatever the moment dictates. Let her live out her last days knowing that you guys care for her and love her. That's all you can do. No regrets.
I think you have a right as her friend to lay everything out on the table and let her know how you feel. It will be cathartic for you and her. But don't drag it out, just get it out and move on with helping her live the best life she can.
She is dying. What good would talking about her situation do ? It is not going to make her physically any better but would harm her emotionally. And op, you are not being disingenuous here because she knows deep down what you are talking. It could not have been an easy decision to die on her part. And also, you should be proud of yourself. More people need friends like you.
I think you haven't accepted that she'll pass away in the near future while she already has entered a different stage of acceptance...i.e. stages of grief. Talking about your troubles with others you trust is a good way to maintain your strength in front of your friend. Treating as if things are normal isn't "living a lie" because for her she has to live the situation 24/7 while for you, you get to choose when to think about your friend's death and its impact. Creating experiences and living the time just the way things were gives your friend a break from everything and that means you have a deeper well of memories for her to live on. There were some times during my father's passing when I felt like I didn't get to say all I wanted to him. I even ran away sometimes because I couldn't handle that he was finally entering the terminal phases of his cancer. It was a long five year journey that creeped into the status quo, but at some point or another the expected still became the unexpected. I want to claim that there will be a time when you get to unload everything you want on your mind to your friend in order for her "to know". I like to think that if you know your friend well enough and you make the most out of your time with her, then she will already know implicitly. Maybe you do get that "Hollywood-esque" chance for catharsis, but some things don't end out better even if it happens the way you ideally plan it. So the advice I'd give to you is what I'd give to myself. Planning or imagining a way to settle the truth (talking things through, weighing and assessing the "Reality of the situation") is the mind's way to put a semblance of order or control into the future. Dealing with death can't be contained, homie. Try shift your mindset to the present. What can I do for this visit? The next meeting isn't going to be here for a while. She liked to see great views, what's a convenient way to get there. There are studies out there about how much people derive happiness and experiences usually outweigh material things. I don't know about your financial situation but I think this is where the cliche about health and happiness over money comes into play. Not suggesting to break the bank, but I think you know what I mean. You can always earn more money.
In her mind she has chosen to live. I'm sorry for you and your wife and how difficult it must be. If you need to grieve, keep in mind that you'll be doing it all over again at some point in the near future and that there will be plenty of time for that later. Keep your chin up and be the friends that your friend knows and loves.
