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Some of my writings...

Discussion in 'BBS Hangout' started by Shooter1583, May 7, 2003.

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  1. Shooter1583

    Shooter1583 Member

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    Hey yall...these are two different poems I've written. If yall can give me any constructive criticism regarding my writing, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks
    ====================

    Sometimes it hurts to be me
    Emotionally disrupted; worn out mentally
    Tired of having to face what these eyes have to see
    Anytime I sleep, I fear what I dream
    Some people say that I'm a godsend in their lives
    How I'm such a good person and take the wrong out of their lives
    But its me who's being stabbed by their knives
    So blind to life I can't tell day from night
    Some people tell me they live by what I write
    Not realizing these words are strictly thoughts from my mind
    Not seeing that these words will mean nothing, in time
    Failing to see I don't write for their benefit, I write for mine
    It's funny how I already know how I'll die
    It won't be by the knife or gun; not even suicide
    I won't die from a disease that got worse over time
    It'll be these expectations that end up taking this life of mine
    But I guess this is just life; this is how it'll be
    But there are times I look into the night sky, and think:
    Sometimes it feels so great to be me
    -----------------------------------------------------
    Time is wasting and here I sit
    Not a face to remember; only faces I forget
    My mind is embraced by lost souls and hopes
    Of my past and my present; my future on hold
    And motivation unfound because now I'm burnt out
    Of stories untold and feelings unwound
    The glare of my eyes penetrate the glare of his
    The hatred builds up and the rage flows within
    But he's helpless and hopeless against what I'm feeling
    My head is breaking and my emotions are reeling
    Can't put a hand on me; tell me who I am
    So it's up to me to search distant lands
    That remain my heart and soul, with no one around
    To build me up or tear me down
    To say to stay or just take off and run
    To know when I've started or when I'm done
    With this life that I have yet to grasp ahold of its story
    I can't see even the faintest sparkle representing its glory
    ------------------------------------------------------------
     
  2. Stone Cold Hakeem

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    Your rhymes would make great lyrics...I was thinking ambient/acoustic hip hop but really it could flow with whatever your into. Something to think about.

    Good stuff.
     
  3. Shooter1583

    Shooter1583 Member

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    Thanx...thats what I hope to do someday is to become a song lyricist..thanx for the input
     
  4. verse

    verse Member

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    that was pretty good. and it definitely does have a hip hop tempo to it.

    in the words of Doc Rocket:


    not bad...
     
  5. DrewP

    DrewP Member

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    Is there an underlying meaning to these. What do these poems MEAN to you?
     
  6. MadMax

    MadMax Member

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    wow...i enjoyed reading those, shooter. thanks.
     
  7. Shooter1583

    Shooter1583 Member

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    I dunno...each of my writings have a meaning to me, but I just write on what I feel at the time...I have tons more that I just write just to let some tension out or whatever, and I realized that I liked it so much, I'd want to pursue a career in it...

    BTW, I appreciate all the responses...Thanks a lot!
     
  8. Heretic

    Heretic Member

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    That's good stuff man.

    When I get home tonight I'll post mine if I can remember.
     
  9. vj23k

    vj23k Member

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    Very, very cool, man.

    Definitely reads like rap lyrics.
     
  10. Drexlerfan22

    Drexlerfan22 Member

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    Umm... just in case you needed yet another guy chiming in saying the same thing, both of them read like hip hop lyrics... good stuff.
     
  11. Shooter1583

    Shooter1583 Member

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    Hey, thanx a lot for the compliments guys... I appreciate it...Writing is something I take very seriously :p
     
  12. fatman510

    fatman510 Member

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    While I was reading them, I was reading them to a hip-hop beat, very captivating.
    Keep writing dude, you have great rhymes:)
     
  13. Heretic

    Heretic Member

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    Here's the stuff I've written in the past two weeks. Some of it for a friend's band, some of it to a girl, some of it to myself.

    D.E.D.S.E.T.

    Delve
    Erase
    Damnation
    Salvation
    Evolving
    Transcending


    Delve
    Those blue orbs
    windows of the soul
    piercing you so effortlessly
    demanding the sensation of control
    Thoughts seemingly empty
    to hide your hidden world
    A veil of secrecy
    so carefully constructed
    but oh so easily passed
    by one who will not be obstructed
    Merging with our empty faith
    so much beauty in your inner face
    Unlocking doors you never knew
    sheds light now that you can step through
    Spinning through a landscape bold
    full of fates obtenebrated, untold
    A pool of midnight greets your smile
    another devil to beguile

    Erase
    The voice is gone
    It’s time to move on
    The game is up
    the principle instigator nowhere to be found
    Such a brief time spent knowing you
    We had so much but no longer
    All things decay in time
    Emotions were not exempt
    You’re the bad poetry
    I was the winter of your discontent
    It’s a cleansing I seek
    the time to erase
    to rid the memories from this place
    Serenity will be found in emptiness.

    Damnation
    The whispers in my head
    quiet sounds of pleading
    the little deaths, mental wounds,
    jagged thoughts still bleeding
    Visions of your face
    all this incessant dreaming
    Tell me something
    I feel your haunting presence
    you’re such a ******* demon
    Forgiveness the forbidden concept
    fed by my conceit
    to so willingly join the other souls
    broken at your feet
    Never could I have predicted such a fate
    a regimen of sorrow
    lamentations come too late
    Hollow, scarred, devoid of hope
    The newest dream
    a hangman’s rope

    Salvation
    A new awareness
    devoid of pain
    a bright abyss to make me sane
    Like the phoenix from the flame
    I shed the tainted skin of shame.
    A shining path I will now follow
    no longer will this heart feel hollow
    No memories of oblivion to fear
    a slate wiped clean
    a conscience clear
    A vast horizon
    unlimited vision
    opportunities to gain new wisdom
    Twice born in shadow
    sheds new light
    my wicked grin
    my wings take flight
    Chains of pleasure
    Chains of pain
    Reborn again I choose this name

    Evolving (Sandy’s lyrics)
    I'm breaking free it seems
    Transcending
    Transforming
    Into someone I've always felt
    Tapping at the back of my skull
    Aching to be released
    I'm evolving
    Becoming the me you can't see
    I'm breaking out
    From the shadows
    No longer hidden
    You turn in fear
    I've broken free from this prison
    Free from your grasp
    I'm myself again
    No longer the demon you molded

    Transcending
    Renewed of faith
    purged of sin
    Elation for the myriad
    untold heights we can ascend
    The shell was cracked
    and now it’s broken
    by ideals so long unspoken
    The crucible of revealing myself
    triggered this reconstruction
    Set before this life a task
    to face the world without the mask
    No longer will deceit mar the bond
    Life without lies could be so profound
    so many deaf ears won’t hear the sound
    The masses like to build their walls
    paint their smiling faces to be seen by all
    Look past the walls and see the shell
    they slumber in their selfmade hell
    Take the hammer and smash it all
    false convictions speeding their fall
    Take knowledge of the price I’ve paid
    live life outside the masquerade

    Reflection

    Words can’t always decrypt my message.
    I try so hard but they struggle against me.
    So much energy spent breaking down barriers
    I only wish we could go further
    I am not alone in this
    I know you suffer from a similar malady
    Sometimes I think your eyes are a mirror
    Reflecting my unsaid wishes
    I see some of myself in you
    I wonder if you see some of yourself in me
    Some have told me that I have no heart
    A frigid azure gaze to ward off questions
    I have been so afraid to answer
    You’ve passed gates that no others can
    Your words crushed the cornerstone
    This brooding fortress will no longer contain me
    I’ve never felt more free than this
    So much held back over the years
    I tread so lightly over this unfamiliar ground
    Fearing to trample the budding realizations
    There’s so much left to confide
    A beginning must suffice for now


    Jumble
    I don’t know what to say
    Confusion loves to lead the way
    Nowhere close to helpless
    I see more than the pack
    so far above the mundane
    Delirium such a lovely game
    Experiences are priceless
    Memories fading glimpse only enhances the value
    Head full of hell
    Heart full of flame
    Eyes full of infinity
    Tongue whispers a name
    Expression is too often limited by vocabulary
    The teeming masses sound thunderous applause
    But no one seems to know the cause
    Jubilation comes in many forms
    So many rhymes behind the reasons
    Intoxicated with you, it’s witching season
    You are the board at which I toss my thoughts like dart

    Untitled as of yet

    I yield this time
    growing pains
    so many experiences lay dormant
    waiting on that day
    bitter pills often swallowed
    what doesn’t kill you must be good for you I guess
    I lived the lie they sought to teach
    I wasted years so now I preach
    Take your pain and break the bubble
    Take your lies and make them rubble
    Unrestrain your natural order
    A brave new world without borders
    Sense deception and pass it by
    It only hurts when you dwell on it
    Come closer now and tell your stories
    a world entranced by your glory
    We all have so much we could say
    but we’re oh so afraid
    Behead the jesters
    they hold you back
    unfiltered thought is a form of attack
     
  14. Shooter1583

    Shooter1583 Member

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    Nice Heretic...good stuff...

    Here's some more of my stuff guys, in case you were interested:
    ----------------------------
    I feel like I let her go; she drifted
    Took my heart with her; all the weight has shifted
    How gifted- like a queen and her king
    The whole world; meant everything to me
    Easy to relate, like we were close siblings
    But best friends at best; made life worth living
    The key to the treasure, she held all of my glory
    Felt all of my pain, and read all of my stories
    I've never been away but I got lost in her eyes
    The fact that she was like none; one of a kind
    She took my soul and enclosed it
    Cared and loved it; never abused it
    One year was worth a whole lifetime of happiness
    One day spent with her timeless
    To this day, I don't have many regrets, just one
    That everlasting day of May, to know it was done
    Now all I have are memories and one battered picture
    A couple of letters and some of her scriptures
    And to think, of what could have been
    The one perfect girl in my whole life it's a sin it had to end.
    ==================================

    Lost in a world that isn't all his own
    No way to find home, he's left all alone
    Nothing's good anymore, no matter what he's shown
    All hopes, ambitions and dreams are blown
    A new life awaits; a new image he sees
    With a gun by his side, he gets down on his knees
    One shot ends it, one bullet he needs
    No more tests to fail; no more people to please
    Reminiscing about days of the past
    Amazing how quickly it all goes by so fast
    From playing in the sandbox to needing money for gas
    From dreaming for tomorrow to praying today will last
    From taking baby steps to running every last mile
    All through life he's walked by with a smile
    No one ever had a clue, that wasn't his style
    And here he is now; wishing he'd known all the while
    Picks up the gun, takes a last look at his room
    What once was his sanctuary is now his temple of doom
    One last tear falls,knowing nineteen years are wasted
    One last thought before death: I wish I had made it
    ===========================

    Thanx again guys...I really appreciate yalls input.
     
  15. Shooter1583

    Shooter1583 Member

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    Oh, Heretic...BTW, I love the pattern of your writings...it has a nice rhythm to it...Keep up the good work! :)
     
  16. Heretic

    Heretic Member

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    I think you've got me smoked sir.
     
  17. fatman510

    fatman510 Member

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    those last two were even better man....awesome stuff
     
  18. Heretic

    Heretic Member

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    Hey shooter, do you ever listen to Stabbing Westward?

    I think you might like two albums of theirs.
    Whither, Burn, Blister, Peel
    Darkest Days
     
  19. Shooter1583

    Shooter1583 Member

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    Naw, I never heard of them..but thanx, I'll look up their stuff. Thanks for the heads up Heretic..
     
  20. Heretic

    Heretic Member

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