And that is be upfront and honest with a guy? Here is my story: In October of last year, a new employee came to work in the area I sit and it was this girl that I graduated high school with. She is not bad-looking and we got along pretty well in school even though we only had one class together (that was in our sophomore year). Now, I have to admit that I didn't really hang out with her or anything in school and I had no idea what happened to her after school, but I was like that with almost everyone except my closest friends. I thought about eventually asking her out, but found out that she was seeing this guy and had been seeing him for like 3 years or so. The only problem was this guy was a jerk and she was getting tired of giving him chances. Well, shortly after Valentine's Day, I overheard her (it is hard not to in the cubicle environment) telling the other people that sit over there that she got flowers but it was not from her boyfriend. It was from this other dude. I made the comment to her that if I had known that she would accept flowers from other people besides her boyfriend that I would have sent flowers to her....heh (okay that was lame but..). Shortly after that, I called her one night at home and we talked for over an hour and a half! I pretty much asked her out but clarified it by saying that if she felt uncomfortable because of us working together, that we could go out as a group with common friends. She never said one way or the other that this would be a good idea. It gave me the impression that this could happen because after all, I thought, that if she didn't want to do this, she would just tell me, "Hey, I'm flattered but I don't think that would be a good idea" or something like that. Well, I decided to sorta back off and see what would happen. She was real nice to me for awhile but she would never bring up what we talked about on the phone that night. Finally, I overheard her telling some people that she had to fix dinner for "his parents". I then went and without mincing words, asked her if she was dating someone. She then said "Yes." It turns out that the guy who sent her flowers is the one she is seeing and he is like at least 6 maybe 8 years younger than her. As far as I know, I don't even think the guy has a real job because his parents are loaded with money. To make things even worse, I found out today that she and this "kid" applied jointly for an auto loan and got a 2003 Ford Expedition in both of their names! She is pretty much living with this guy and she talks about him all the time, and of course I can hear about every word especially when she is talking to him on her work phone or cell phone. What pisses me off though is that she should have told me that night when we were talking on the phone that she wasn't interested. It is not like I haven't heard no before (wow, a triple negative sentence!). I just don't understand why girls do this ****. It hurts worse to find out like I did than to be told up front. At any rate, I am giving her the cold shoulder. I talk to her when she talks to me, but that is about it. I don't initiate conversations with her like I used to. What is funny is that for the last 3 days or so, she will *try* to start a conversation with me and sometimes just ask me stuff out of the blue. I will immediately respond but it is never anything that will continue the conversation. Probably the best sign that she should know that I am pissed at her happened late this afternoon. A guy had come in to visit the other people in the area and he came back to her cubicle. She walks into my cube and looks at me and says "Aren't you going to do some voices?" (I am known around the office for doing great voice impersonations of people I work with). I looked at her and said real serious-like, "Voices? Why would I do any voices?" The look on her face was priceless. It was like she was a balloon and my response just deflated her! She then said, "Oh," and walked off. There is a part of me that wants to tell her what she did to me and how it pissed me off, but I feel like why should I be the one to make the first move? She should figure out something is wrong and come to me. If she does that, then I will tell her that I was disappointed that she wasn't upfront with me and then things will be cool (I guess). But I don't like being made a fool and I guess I am not ready to swallow my pride yet, either.
You have to ask yourself: why do I keep falling for women like this? There are a zillion great ladies out there. Go get one.
Manny, I admit I'm a little confused. It sounds like she likes you, would like you as an option if she ends the problematic relationship. Your reaction seems too defensive to me. JMHO.
Well, the first relationship she had (the one that she had when she started work) is over and was the problematic one. That was the guy who didn't treat her well. She is now seeing the guy who gave her flowers on Valentines Day. I mean, Cohen, if you could hear some of this **** that she talks about with this guy, you would think that that they were already married.
Boy are you naive. Many women love attention, especially if they know a guy is interested in them. If push comes to shove and you confront someone like this, she'll give some BS answer like "I don't want to risk destroying our friendship". In other words, I'll flirt with you to stroke my ego but I don't want to date you. There are times when women just want to be friends and won't screw with your head. It's the "blah blah blah, my boyfriend, blah blah blah" line. Trader Jorge started a thread about this awhile back when some ugly girl wanted nothing to do with him and gave the not-so-subtle hint.
Gotcha. I thought she wasn't telling the truth (for some reason beyond me ... you know girls do that ) Are you sure that she already seriously involved with him when ya'll talked? Regardless, maybe she likes you a lot but isn't interested. Is that bad? Anyway...hard to say. I had several female friends in college that I used to call on weekends because I liked talking to them. I guess they could have gotten pretty pissed at me too.
First you let her know that you are interested in her, then you ask her out while giving her an escape clause - going out with other common friends. You guys are well known to each other and no need for that hanging out with friends crap. You are too nice, man.
Manny, Manny, Manny. hint : He's loaded! He got her a car she couldn't pay for! He sends her flowers on v-day! He's a young, promising buck that's hot for her. Maybe she was interested in you. Probably, a little. But geez-dude! Read the graffitti! She has other priorities. Don't ever expect anything. Women have their own agenda. They will never admit it's wrong to string along poor old nice guy last Manny. Be a challenge. Throw the number away, in your heart and soul. Flush it down the toilet. Learn to do that, quickly. Respect yourself. You're a good dude. A girl is lucky to get your time. Don't say "it's nothing." It's not "nothing.'' Every minute costs. They have an agenda. So do you.
BINGO. RIET's speaking the truth here. Manny - You're a cool guy and all - if you're not that interested/attached to this girl, why are you ranting about it like so? You sound like I usually do when dealing with a girl - besides the phone call, were there any other really positive signs? And by positive, I mean any signs that would make *even a girl* say, "Yup, she's interested". Since you indicated your interest and she decided to date someone else... it's not meant to be for now. Do what you want - if you want to give her the cold shoulder (which is the guy auto-response in a situation like this), feel free.
Manny: Be careful. It sounds like you are feeling rejected by her, although I don't think you have actually been rejected, based on what I've read. Don't let your feelings of anger and disappointment get in the way of a perfect opportunity to wage psychological warfare on her. This is a very similar situation to the secretary (not the gum chewer) in my office that offended me one day. If you are short with her or your tone of voice or body language indicates irritation or even anger, this will make her feel defensive. This defensiveness will eventually lead to feelings of hostility and then indifference. The key is to wage war on her while at the same time being very nice to her. I will search for one of my classic pieces on the topic and post it. I remember it being in a thread called "dropping the boyfriend line" or something to that effect...
Don't give her the "cold shoulder". Use reverse psychology. Smile and say hello when you see her. Act nice. Then, one day when she is sitting in the cubicle next to you, act as if YOU are talking to some hot chick, making dinner plans, etc. After hanging up walk by her again, smile, say hello and keep walking. You are better off not dating a co-worker anyway. Just wait until she and her new boyfriend breakup and witness the fun they are going to have with their jointly signed Expedition.
Manny, Having met you for like 1 minute, even though I am not qualified to say I know you or anything, but you do come off like a really nice guy, who's going to get taken advantage of by some women. There's nothing wrong with being nice; it's a good thing, but stick to the religious women or women who are pure or just really good hearted. And with this situation. Fukk it. Don't put your hopes on one girl at a time, even though you did talk to her on the phone for an hour and a half. So you're being up front with her, cool, flirty and you leave the ball in her court. Good. You're not in love with her. So do as you say. If she calls, she calls. Keep moving on to ask other girls out no matter what. Don't wait for stuff to happen. Do it yourself. It's natural to feel irked by her not telling you her situation, but it's not some huge obligation on her side. Just my opinion.
