New Republican Initiative: Operation Infinite Purity

President Bush is proud to introduce an ambitious new phase in the fight to preserve all that is decent in America. Conceived and championed by the revered Republican think tank Americans for Purity, "Operation Infinite Purity" is dedicated to the complete eradication of masturbation from American soil by the year 2005.

Masturbation is more dangerous than atheism. Doctors of a generation ago knew this, but over the course of recent Democratic administrations, and their prevailing philosophy of "if it feels good, do it" - this problem has spiralled out of control.
Myth: Masturbation is harmless.
Reality: Medical science proves that chronic masturbation causes weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness.

Myth: There are bigger problems than masturbation, like drugs and AIDS.
Reality: Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans masturbating RIGHT NOW! Masturbation costs American businesses at least $3.14 billion in lost productivity every month!

Myth: Masturbation is not immoral.
Reality: Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! It is true that Onan wasn't masturbating, but the point is that God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason.

Myth: Masturbation is a "Victimless Crime."
Reality: Theological experts on masturbation have come to the conclusion that masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin. This means that masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and p*rnography addicts started out as Masturbators.

Myth: Americans value their "Freedom" and will never stand for masturbation being outlawed.
Reality: Masturbatory devices are already illegal in President Bush's home state Texas. The police in San Antonio and Austin have aggressively enforced this law.

Myth: But everyone's doing it!
Reality: Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't masturbate.

How to stop the current epidemic of Democrat-approved self-abuse in America? We will employ precisely the same tactics, legislation, and get-tough attitude that has been so successful in the War On Drugs.
Control of Paraphernalia: Drug abuse has been slashed by the outlawing of drug accessories such as syringes and mar1juana pipes. In order to get tough on masturbation, we will eliminate masturbatory paraphernalia. This means outlawing such things as:

"Personal Vibrators" and other masturbatory devices such as dildos and blow-up dolls.
ALL indecent art. This includes paintings, sculptures and photographs. We don't need the Victoria's Secret catalog! Simple, modest underwear would sell itself and minimize unGodly temptations.
Certain food. If we outlaw dildos and require that all sausages, cucumbers and carrots be sold pre-sliced, we will make it much easier for the women among us to resist the temptation to masturbate.
Intensive Urine Testing: Science has discovered that men produce sperm cells constantly. All that sperm has to go somewhere! If an unmarried man doesn't masturbate, all the sperm cells he produces end up in his urine. Going forward, all unmarried men will be required to submit frequent urine samples, which will be examined under a microscope. If an unmarried man has a low concentration of sperm cells in his urine, it means he has been having orgasms - and therefore is guilty of either masturbation or fornication and should will be incarcerated. Random urine testing in the War On Drugs has been a very powerful weapon. We will not hesitate to harness it for use in the War On Masturbation!
Zero Tolerance: Just as police departments seize the cars and homes of people who are caught with drugs, Operation Infinite Purity calls for the homes and SUVs of people caught masturbating to be taken away without due process and auctioned off, with all proceeds going to augmenting similar anti-masturbation law enforcement.

For more info along with informative graphics.

Operation Infinite Purity