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The Ten Commandments.

Discussion in 'Houston Rockets: Game Action & Roster Moves' started by MacBeth, Apr 3, 2003.

  1. MacBeth

    MacBeth Member

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    Maybe what's plaguing Larry is that he's been suddenly shifted from co-pilot to pilot without the chance to furmulate his own rules for the team...Maybe what's plaguing the team is that they don't have enough discipline...With those two in mind, I offer my contribution to the team's welfare; The First Five Of The Soon To Be Ten Commandments of Rockets' Basketball, with translation.I have contributed only 5, and am asking others to submit at least one to make this more biblically accurate...



    1) Thou shall not use the name of 'team' in vain. ( Int: If you say you're on a team, play on a team. Enough of this schoolyard 1 on 1 garbage, I don't care who is the coach.) Punishments dealt out according to most common offenders.( Hit 'em where it hurts):

    Steve: For every time you ignore the team game for a personal competition, you are forbidden from skipping over 1/2 court for aweek, are prohibited from hugging other players before, during, or after that game, and will not be refered to as The Franchise for a month. Mobley: For every time you decide to play like you are out there by yourself, you will be subjected to at least 2 trade rumours involving the Clippers, will have to forego the right to any double-digit shot fga attemots in the next game, and will be be forced to autograph 10 posters of Yao and Steve bearing the inscription " The Future of The Rockets". Moochie...for every time you decide to try and run a dribbling clinic during a game, you will sit on the bench for the rest of the game.

    2) Thou Shall Not Take 'Heatchecks' Unless Actually Hot. ( Int: Any time you jack up a shot form 5 ft. beyond the strip, or come doen in transition and put up an outside shot, you had better damn well hit it.)

    Punishments: Steve: For everymiss like mentioned above, you will to explain why you are called " Wink" after a game for an hour, will be prohibited from wearing any form of jewelry for a week, and will be compelled to re-enact the Dr. J slam-dunk contest duk at halftime of the following game. Mobley: You will have to explain why Steve is called Wink and Yao is called Floyd :)D ) for an hour after the game, will be prohibited from wearing jewelry for 2 weeks, and will have to re-enact your acting debut in Shaggy's "It Wasn't Me" video, complete with running away from girlies, at halftime of the next game.Moochie: For every miss as described above, you will be shot at halftime of the next game.


    3) Thou Shall Not Ignore The Hot Big Man : ( Int: If Yao gets really hot in a game, and then you have stretches where you check off him every time another team's player looks his way, or decide that now is the time to show that you can do it too, you are in deep doo-doo.)


    Punishments: Steve: Every time you freeze our own player like an opposing coach freezes a place-kicker, you will be compelled to spend the next flight home with the Best of Garth Brooks and Yanni on your headset. Mobley: When you do similar, you will be compelled to listen to the worst of Yoko Ono on your headset the whole way home. Moochie : The next time you do same, you will be beaten up with a handful of wet pasta, then chucked off the plane halfway through the flight on the trip home.



    4) Thou Shall Not Be Passive If Thou Art Yao ( Int. Unlike everyone else on the team, Yao must be talked INTO looking for his own shot more..at any price.)

    Punishment: Yao:For every time you have games where you looked to pass off rather than take over, especially against mediocre centers, you will be forced to wear Colin Pine's clothes at your next press conference, be forced to answer another hour's worth of questions about What It's Like To Be Really, Really Tall, and you'll get none of your mothers cooking for a week. Moochie ( heh-heh) For every time Yao does same, your head will be shaved with a hungry crocodile at his next press conference...


    5) Thou Shall Not Be Generous With The Ball...( Int. When it comes to the ball and the opponent, it is better to keep than to give away. Stop turning the dam ball over so much.)


    Punishment: Steve: For every game where you have less than 2 assists for every TO, you will be compelled to play the next game as a sg, next to Moochie as the pg...which will teach you to value posession of the rock, cause you'll never see it if he's alive, and if he's dead he'll really smell...a lot...Mobley: For every game where you play butterfingers, you will have to spend the next month pulling a Rodman ( ie different hair coulor every game), will have to write " I am not one of the stars of this team anymore." 100 times in propoer latin around the Forum in Jerusalem , and then be traded to Cleveland. Yao: Every time you have multiple TO games, you will have to play the next game without your security bracelet. Eddie: every time you give more than you take, you will have to spend the next Lakers game guarding Shaq. Moochie: The next time you decide to play Santa Claus to the opponent, you will be thrown into a pool of hungry sharks with built in lazers, be dragged out half alive, allowed to re-gain your breath, then be forced to give a pedicure to Roseanne Barr before being being cut to pieces with a plastic bead knife.at halfcourt during the next game...in the middle of the action.


    Now It's Your Turn...( Don't forget to include appropriate punishments for repeat offenders.)


    6) Thou Shall Not


    7) Thou Shall Not


    8) Thou Shall Not


    9) Thou Shall Not


    10) Thou Shall Not
     
  2. OmegaSupreme

    OmegaSupreme Member

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    pretty good. here are my ten commandments:

    1. trade moochie
    2. trade eddie
    3. trade moochie
    4. trade eddie
    5. trade moochie
    6. trade eddie
    7. trade moochie
    8. trade eddie
    9. trade moochie

    and last, but certainly not least...

    10. make larry smith the ballboy or something.
     
  3. Launch Pad

    Launch Pad Member

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    6) Thou shalt not covet thy teammate's shots. (Int: also known as the Eddie Griffin or Kelvin Cato fadeaway jump shot rule; formerly known as the Kenny Thomas commandment. Any time the selfish guards have been ignoring you for the entire game and finally pass the ball to you, you may not take the shot unless you are open and in your range.)

    Punishments: Griffin: You will be forced to practice a hook shot and a drop step within 7' of the basket 1,000 each. Furthermore, you will be taken to a local school of architecture and complete a 3 credit hour course on what an arc is. Cato: For every foot you were outside of dunk range when you took the ill-advised shot, you will write a children's book on sharing and knowing your limitations. If the range of your ill-advised shot exceeded 15' and/or included a fadeaway, you will be beaten with the aforemention children's books. Moochie: For every forced stat-padding shot you take when you could have passed, one single hair will be plucked from your fro (prediction: if the Rockets make the playoffs, you will be bald within the year).
     
  4. Launch Pad

    Launch Pad Member

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    7) Thou shalt not be Cavalier (Int: Of course, the reference is to the slowdown play of the Cleveland Cavaliers of the 90's. There is absolutely no reason to take all 24 seconds of the shot clock on each and every play; especially when you are down 10 with only 2:00 to go. The punishment will come into effect, when the players do not take the opportunity to fast break, run alongside the ball as it slowly bounces up the court rather than bending down and picking it up, skipping up the court, and generally, just dribbling like a quality control tester of basketballs for Spalding.)

    Punishments: Francis: You will be given the opportunity to get all of the skipping out of your system by spending 1 hour for each offense skipping rope. This should build up your quickness too, so perhaps you may even attempt defense once in a while too. Mobley: You will be smeared with deviled ham and be locked in a long tunnel with a large "cat" (e.g. a mountain lion) that has not eaten for days. The threat of being mauled should give you sufficient motivation to run like Hell down the length of the tunnel. Future transgressions will force the coaches to put the cat in uniform and chase you down the basketball court in practice. Moochie: For every possession that you spend with the ball in you hands for more the 3/4 of the shot clock (18 sec), I shall kill you (Disclaimer: Don't panic! This is just a Family Guy reference. I won't kill him ... I'll just beat the Hell out of him.).
     
  5. WyoRox

    WyoRox Member

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    8) Thou shalt not proclaim the current incarnation of the Rockets as "the greatest ever assembled" until they actually prove they can do something.

    Punishments: Every time Les makes a statement that ultimately proves grossly innacurate he shall have to personally braid Moochies hair while standing in a bucket of bile. Moochie shall then be stoned at halfcourt of the upcoming "Souvenir Rock Nite" home game.
     
  6. heypartner

    heypartner Member

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    9) Thou shall not crucify thy neighbor. (INT: do not cross the opponent repeatedly to the point of crucifying them in front of the crowd. One cross is enough.)

    <b>Punishments</b>: <i>Francis</i>: You will be forced to operate DaDakota's CAPSLOCK key and Exclamation Key for him for a full week, and post "GIVE YAO THE DAMN BALL!!!'" 1000 times. <i>Mobley</i>: You must play the next game with a jersey that says "CUT-TINO" instead of Mobley...then tell the media that you wouldn't have such low basketball IQ if JayZ750 were the coach and be happy just to not be cut by him. Then we'd make you fart during your next commercial. (Hey, thought maybe I should interject some bathroom humor so the BBS won't think I'm being mean to posters too much.) <i>Moochie</i> Since we can't punish you by crucifixion without being a hypocrit, we will collect all your bobbleheads and set them on fire with a big magnifying glass. Cool! Once we run out of bobbleheads, we'll burn your hair off, wrap your head in a turbin, put a red headband on you, force you to recite MacBeth's treatise "My Position Against The Position For War" verbatim, complete with spelling and grammar errors, in front of the Washington Monument, and if you survive that, we'll toss you over the White House fence for summary execution.
     
  7. jo mama

    jo mama Member

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    maybe im just really high, but this is the best thread i have ever read. i will try to formulate a commandment worthy of all the above.
     
  8. ragingFire

    ragingFire Contributing Member

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    You guys are good. I am rolling on the floor with laughter!
    Humorous and so accurate too!!
     
  9. rrj_gamz

    rrj_gamz Member

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    Nice...:D

    I can't think of #10, but I'm sure it need to include Posey and Rice...
     
  10. SwoLy-D

    SwoLy-D Member

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    Good one. I thought I was the only one who noticed that.
     
  11. StupidMoniker

    StupidMoniker I lost a bet

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    10) Don't be a Ranger (Int. Stay out of the forest. If you are going to pass, pass when you have some room. If you are going to the rack, make a quick move and go straight to it. Don't dribble headfirst into a guy at least 6" taller than you.)

    Punishment: Steve: You will be forced to run into actual trees, since the figurative ones have failed to knock sense into you. 5 Trees if the play resulted in a turnover (in addition to the previous turnover punishment) 10 trees if the play was successful (just to teach you that the ends don't justify the means). Cat: You will shoot 10,000 step backs from the free throw line. This should always be your shot when the trees are clogging the paint, and repitition is the key to perfection.
     
  12. Launch Pad

    Launch Pad Member

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    Well, we already have 10, so we'll have to continue with a few more from the lost tablets that were left back on Mount ASinaine. Let's start with the requested Posey/Rice one:

    11) Thou shalt not make thyself into a graven image. (Int: The players must realize that they are either a) not, or b) no longer a superstar go-to player and should adjust their games accordingly. As such, they should not try to force themselves into the offense by taking contested shots (Rice) or attempting to drive with little or no dribble control into the paint full of defenders (Posey).)

    Punishment: Rice: For each transgression, each of the fans in the audience will be able to let their wives say bad things about you to the press. Furthermore, you will donate $100 to The American Launch Pad College Fund, because a Launch Pad is a terrible thing to waste. Posey: For each trangression, you will be forced to wear a jersey sporting the name "Poseur" in place of "Posey" on the back. Furthermore, if you spend the entire remainder of the season wearing said jersey, you will be forced to re-sign at a normal salary for a SG/SF of nominal talent. If you want more money than that, you will be forced to take it from Moochie Norris. Norris: For each transgression, you shall be forced to tie your fro into pig tails. This will serve several purposes: 1) the "pig" part of pig tails will remind you that you are a ballhog, 2) the binding of your hair to the sides will free up your peripheral vision so that you will be able to see (and thus, subsequently pass to) you more talented teammates, and 3) the pig tails will provide a convenient handle for the coaches to grab ahold of an yank your ass back to the bench where you belong.
     
  13. Launch Pad

    Launch Pad Member

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    12) I am the basketball, and thou shalt continue to move without me. (Int: Exactly what it says. Do not stand around with your thumbs inserted into the orifice of your choice, while watching a single player mentally masturbate with the ball. Move through off-the-ball screens, make cuts, and generally try to get open, so that if the player follows the other commandments, he will have to pass to you. This commandment also applies to defense too. You should constantly be moving and hustling to contest any and every shot)

    Punishment: (since most all of the players are guilty of this, there shall be only one punishment): The floor of the practice facilities shall be rigged in such a way that standing in 3 yard diameter area for more than 5 seconds will cause an electrical shock to travel through the feet of the players. For each subsequent offence, the duration of the shock will increase slightly. Assistant coaches will also be armed with taser guns to ensure the movements are effective.
     
  14. Yun

    Yun Member

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    :D Thank you for this thread. It makes the day a bit brighter.:D :D
     

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