Here it goes... Backstory: My wife's sister is newly married (June). She is from a small South Texas town and had a close relationship with her family, he is from medium sized West Texas town. They both met while attending A&M and got engaged after 4 months of dating. Their engagement lasted for about a year and a half and it seemed like they were very happy together...then they get married. As was long agreed upon, they move to Dallas where he starts attending SMU Law School and she starts her job teaching at a local elementary. They did a pretty smart thing and were able to buy a house and actually live in a very decent house in Garland for the cost of living in an apartment. Problem: They've had problems almost from the beginning. As was agreed upon WAY before they got married he starts law school and she goes to work. Now she's very upset with the fact that she's so far from home...and she would like to move back to her small South Texas town to be close to her parents. She cries about it every night. She's very upset. He is very upset because he feels like she loves her old home town and her parents more than her...and you should actually love your spouse and hold them as the most important person in your life and all the love that you have for each other builds and flows to every other family member...which makes strong families. Anyways...she's gone so far as find him jobs on the internet where he could be the local clerk at a clothing store and she could teach at her local school...she says that money isn't important to her.. He counters that...while money is not the most important thing...he wants to be a lawyer because he likes law...and he would be completely miserable being a cashier for the rest of his life. So it comes to this, where he straight out asks her if she would like him to give up the school he likes, in the town he likes, and the future profession he loves...and move to a small town which he does not like, work at a job he hates, and pretty much be miserable...just so she can be close to her home where her parents live...and she straight out says yes...she's that miserable from home. ...by the way, her parents don't want her to come home...they want her to get out of that small town and have a good and happy life wherever that may take them. How things stand: He's still in class, she's still teaching, they are still in Dallas. Things seem to be better, but they are still far from good...and every little thing sets her off to where she basically cries and says she wants to go home...as in home to parents...but they SEEM to be better. The thing that really makes me wonder is that when they both were in College Station, she never wanted to go home, or cared about her home town and wasn't that homesick and everything was fine. Questions: Has anybody gone through similar situations? Has anybody had a spouse that was so home sick, or has been the spouse that was so home sick that they were just miserable in their marriage? My opinion is that she needs to grow up a little and love her husband and he love her...and although she may be homesick, they need to overcome that with their love for each other... ...but is this a normal obstacle for marriages? Could it not so much be just moving from home, but the fact that she now has a job, is married, has a mortgage, pays bills, works all day...and is away from home...and she's stressed and this is how she deals with it? My wife (her sister) was a little homesick, but got over it pretty quick. (It may be that we are only about 2 hours from her hometown in Houston, whereas her sister is about 6). Any thoughts, advice, similar situations?
Well, my sister sort of went through the same thing 12.5 years ago when she moved out to California to marry her now ex-husband. She still wants to move back to Texas, and probably will once her daughter goes to college, but she loves it out there too. I think it's just going to take her some time. I think she obviously still loves her husband (from what I can tell), and while many times it takes more than that, it's always a good start. Has he shown any interest into possibly moving closer once he graduates law school?
<i>Any thoughts, advice, similar situations?</i> Yeah, don't call your wife's sister on the phone and tell here that some guys at a Rockets BBS say she should do X.
Good advice. I guess more than anything is that I just needed to get it off my chest because it really upsets my wife that her sister is so unhappy right now and we are really happy.
I was with ex since '88(sr year of hs). We went to college and we both wanted to teach, but I wanted to coach. We both knew of the long hours involved in coaching. We graduated college and got our careers going. We got married a year later. I moved into her place which was a trailer in the lot behind her parents place. My hours and dedication were hard on our relationship, but working at the same school and her being so close to her parents helped to ease the strain. 3 years later, I got called up to work at my alma mater 20 minutes down the road, and she got a job at the middle school. We also built a house 30 minutes from her parents place. Now we were not working at the same school anymore, we didn't have the same co-worker friends, her parents were not next door to her anymore, and my coaching hours were lengthened since now I was coaching high school ball. Three years and a half years ago, we decided to begin having children. Throughout her pregnancy, my priorities were completely straight and in line, but not complete. Family first, career second. In retrospect, this was the happiest we had been in a LONG time, maybe the happiest ever, although Church was nonexistant. We hadn't attended for a long time. After our son was born, I put my son and career at the top of my priorities and her next. Things went downhill fast after that and we ended up divorced. Reading it now in front of me, no wonder she was so unhappy. Since she was so unhappy, she never tried to make me happy, and I never saw why. Ask your friend what he loves more. His career or his wife. No "If she loves me she'll want me to be happy". The question is simple. Does he love his possible career more than he loves his wife?
I see your point, and I've thought of this situation from this view before. But the same has to be asked from her...do you love your home town or do you love me more? I'm of the opinion that you should make each other happy first, and it should not matter where you live...your love for each other should overcome that. Its a real sticky situation. No, not the valley. When I say South I probably should say Coast Plains...ah heck...its a little tiny town about 30 minutes outside Victoria...about 15 minutes from the coast.
Wow, that really sucks. You could ask them both the similar question, career or spouse for the husband and hometown or spouse for the wife. The woman has issues though, if she is so unhappy because she can't be close to her parents. I side with the husband since your sis in law went as far as telling him he could work as a casheer. Even if he doesn't finish law school, he must have a nice undergrad degree that sets him up for a nice career as opposed to a job in retail. If she's so homesick, why doesn't she just visit during the summer. If she's teaching elemantary she must have an extended vacation during the summer, shouldn't she?
If both don't compromise, it's going to become an all or nothing situation real fast. That's not a good thing. -She should not make him sacrifice his career. It will lead up to resentment. I know from experience. Ex told me to quit coaching or quit the family. I quit coaching to try to make it work. I spent so much time resenting her that I couldn't work on the relationship. -He should not compare her love for him to her love for her family. That, as well will lead to resentment, and if it gets back to the in-laws, it can lead to a lot of tension. From experience, I don't think that these are even the true issues for her. How do they spend their time together? Something is making her unhappy, and it's probably not homesickness. That is just where she feels safe. Do they spend the time together going out and having fun, doing the things they used to love doing together? Does she have hobbies? Is she bored? Guys and girls behave very differently when they are unhappy. Guys will do what the have always loved doing, with or without anyone else. Guys will get a hobby. Girls will crave that attention in whatever manner, whether it be picking a fight, or threatening to leave, or becoming high maintenance.(again, experience). I wish your friend luck. I think going to a counselor may be a good idea, but make sure that both are willing to hear what might be said, as well as say what is on their minds.
Actually, I can't believe I left this out. Law school is a b****. Had I not known anyone else going through it, I probably would've thought that RM95's Girl didn't want anything to do with me. Maybe she's upset because she's in a new town, and her husband doesn't ever want to do anything because he's already studying or just damn tired. I wouldn't be surprised if that had a lot to do with it.
I went through that after college. I was in Chicago with a girlfriend/wife but wanted to return to Houston. The original plan was 4 years of college and then return to Houston. Because of the logistics of job/home/girlfriend/wife, I stayed another 2, and then an extra year for my brother-in-law's sake. Then, I drug my wife down to Texas. I was ok in college because I had a strong social network built around my classes and dorm and neighborhood. Once I graduated, much of that network collapsed and I felt somewhat isolated up there. The place never felt like home. I also had an uncle (father's older brother) die in Corpus Christi and I realized that I might miss out on the remaining lives of my parents, or even siblings and old friends. I felt the same towards my wife's family; but it is so geographically spread and still mobile that moving toward them was hopeless. So Houston made sense for me. It could be that she is suffering from much the same phenomena: (1) the lack of a social network because she has just moved to a new city (which wouldn't have been a problem in College Station because of the college life) and (2) the realization that she's no longer in a temporary life-mode and she may end up at her mother's funeral 20 years from now realizing she should have visited more often. It also may be because Dallas is a crappy town to have to live in and she'd be much happier down in Houston at least. It would seem to me that a reasonable compromise could be easily struck: They remain in Dallas long enough for her husband to get a law degree. They then move to Victoria or some such place so he can practice law and she can be near the folks. Some permutation may be necessary, especially considering what sort of law the man wants to practice.
I don't see them moving to Victoria because of the law he's going into. He already has connections in Dallas to get into real estate law and he could probably do that in Houston (he said he'd move there, which would also put her close to her sister), but not Victoria. He's been pretty sympathetic to the situation and has tried to be supportive. One of the agreements they had made before the fall semester started was that they would not buy Aggie football tickets because he would be too busy studying and focusing on school to be able to go to home games at College Station from Dallas. Well it turns out that he had to drive her down to South Texas NINE times during the semester so she could go home to see her parents. THEN, when he did want to go to Abilene ONCE she basically told him that it was a waste of her time to go see his parents when she could go see hers, then when he finally ended up convincing her to go she threw a tantrum the whole drive there and locked herself up in her room once she was there. Kind of a sad situation. She also resents his family completely, even though they are actually really nice people and they just want her to feel at home. Everytime she visits they just want her to feel like part of the family and then she goes on rants about how she has only one family, her mom and dad and sister and she doesn't care if she has another one...(says later, not to their faces). She has also stated that her home town is the only place good enough...Houston (despite being only 1 and a half to 2 hours away) is not close enough. Its actually closer than College Station. I don't know, maybe she just needs to grow up a little and let go of Mommy and Daddy a little.
Although I generally hate the idea of divorce, I'm going to have to agree with Trader Jorge on this one. This woman is entirely selfish and seems to be slightly emotionally disturbed. Her rant about having only one family is just weird. Even if you don't like your in-laws (and it seems as if they're very nice people) you still consider them your family. (Just familiy you don't like!) Anyway, this woman needs a wake-up call to reality. Her attatchment to her parents is childish and immature.
I am sorry, I always try to treat relationship problems seriously and without making any jokes like I like to do in most other types threads but this problem your wife's sister has sounds like the most immature thing I have heard in quite a while. I suggest, and I am serious about this, that your wife's sister's husband learn the fine art of a master cunnilinguist. This will put her child like worries to rest and allow her to become a woman.
Jeez...you didn't say that earlier...Psycho hose beast. Maybe she should move down with her parents while he goes to school. I have a feeling this is where this relationship is heading anyways. Maybe a separation is just what the doctor ordered for her. A separation does not have to end in divorce. It might just help her to realize that the grass is not greener on the other side. Do they have children?
Not to cheapen LeGrouper's advice, but I agree, they will become women faster with some expert cunnilingus. Anyways... College Station is her comfort zone. Even though she didn't want to be home while she was in college, it wasn't that far away. In fact, she was probably the happiest she'd ever been with her man, her friends, her career goals, and her family so close and so available. She is being selfish and she might not fully realize that the sacrifices they set out would hit her this hard on many different levels. I think she needs to develop a support network in Dallas. Your in-law could help this by attending social functions together and making some new friends. At worse, he could hook them and her parents up to the internet to make the illusion that they're not so far away. I know he's busy, and they probably haven't fully integrated into Dallas because of all the time he's investing in school, but Dallas isn't College Station. And Dallas isn't Dallas just yet. But on the other end, she is probably feeling resentment for his career, his needs, and therefore his family because of all the sacrifices she has done in his city. Councelling will bring this out to the surface, but it takes some genuine sacrifices and understanding on both ends to bring them both together. Communication doesn't mean squat if the other doesn't know what one truly means. Dr. Phil: Mister, why are you such a pig? Husband: What? Dr. Phil: Audience, tell the man that he is the pig he is. Dr. Phil: Woman, why don't you admit you need help? Wife: Huh? The man is a pig! Dr. Phil: Audience, tell the woman she's crazy for not coming to me sooner. Couple: I love you honey! Thanks Dr. Phil for solving all our life problems in 15 minutes!
