[Advice] Caught between mom's lies and dad's abuse and obliviousness

This is why we need Hakeem19.

Advice threads.

 

There's literally nothing she can do except tell her guidance counselor and focus on her grades, college apps or just do a crapload of extracurricular activities. If she's not that old yet, she needs to confide in some friends she can trust at school and get the support structure there.

Having her stay with you while you're in college is just an awful, awful idea. Neither one of you is nearly as responsible as you think: you're both at insanely stressful times in your life, you'll be at each other's throats in a week and she'll do something insanely destructive by 18 and it will be on your watch.

 

You should have told them to work it out like adults and to leave the kids out of it.....

Sorry you got involved in their mess, but most of the time these things end up for the better, even if it means divorce.

DD

 

Right now, you should be concerned for your sister. Take care and console her, because it seems that she is taking it the hardest. Whatever happens between your parents concerns them, and I don't think it's emotionally healthy for both of you guys to get too involved. I can't even imagine what you're going through, but keep in mind that you have to be the strong one in the family. Life has struggles, but if we persevere, we only become stronger. So now, concern yourself with your sister. Take care of yourselves, because you guys have each other to depend on. Don't worry about what happens and don't let it consume you. Be strong man, take care of your sister, and I hope your parents work it out. Praying for you man.

 

how old are you and your sister?

 

How old are y'all?

 

I normally abstain from giving advice considering it's impossible to give really good advice unless you get equally involved and that's too emotionally taxing so take my advice with a grain of salt:

You shouldn't worry about your parents staying together or anything. Parents are responsible for their kids. Your only responsibility is to grow up and be independent and successful as well as being a good son by doing your chores at home, considering they're reasonable. If your parents want more than that, they're not being good parents.

Take your sister in if it's financially feasible and tell your parents the atmosphere isn't conductive to the future you're trying to build for yourselves. Support your parents emotionally if they ever come to you, since that's part of your responsibility as a son, but don't tell them what to do - this is a big, big no-no. They'll be dependent on you making their decisions if you ever do.

 

You need to get your sister away from this crap. Maybe you can get custody?

 

From one lurker to another, stay strong bro.
Remember that nothing can break you except yourself, keep your mind strong enough to support both yourself and your sister. Regarding your parents, let them settle it themselves. Be there for your sister, you sound strong enough.

 

^ :grin: AWESOME nickname, BTW. AND I agree with you, sir.

No, you don't. Your parents DO.

Also, it's not about what YOU want or what YOU think. Here's where it all starts:

Your father told you this with his heart in his hand, I hope, and it seems he and she are willing to "talk" or "work things out" on their own.

 

sounds like the plot to a movie.

if you could somehow knock off this lover that would resolve it but jail and murder usually aren't the best of ideas. Besides moms would probably end up banging the warden right in front of you.

So if your sister is 14 you should try to be supportive of her but also let her know that the relationship between mom and dad has nothing to do with her and more to do with the fact that your mom and dad relationship sounds like it is not in a good place. Your sister needs to understand that your mom didnt cheat because of your sister, but more so because of her cheating ways or that she is simply not in love anymore , past the point of being in love with your dad etc.. That happens sometimes and not your sisters fault. Who knows maybe your dad has a giant penis wart that moms is over.. maybe she wanted a guy with an even bigger penis wart. Who knows and your sister rushing to judgment and delusions of grandeur are typical of a 14 year old.. remind her the world is bigger than just her and chances are the relationship has broken down for zillions of other reasons that you and your sister don't even know about.. Heck he could be gay this whole time.. I mean you dont know.

So if anything, if you can have your sister try to take a step back and look at it from an objective point of view.. that its 2 people drifting apart.. that might help some of the sting. You need to try to convey to her from the point of view of bad relationship/good relationship vs. 'yeah you are right mom is a b^tch and dad is a bad guy' you are actually making it worse.

She knows what she knows but you guys sitting around gossiping about it and telling dad to 'get a divorce' is not helping her or him. I'm not saying you sweep it under rug all the way but moving past all this negativity is the first step. You guys are too involved and its weird frankly.

At the end of the day it wont matter so much that they are divorcing in as much as the fact that the world your sister has known for that last 14 years is ending. That is the real tough part. Being around as a family member and that family unit is important so play that part for sister. So telling your dad to divorce is A) none of your business and B) is actually going to do more harm than good to said sister.

So if you really care about your sister more so than dad and mom, then you need to really get her to understand it's not her fault.. and try to keep the parents married for the next few years so that when she is 18 or 19 like you, it wont have such a lasting impact.

This is an important time developmentally in your sisters life and having this happen all the way now could really have a lasting effect on her. I suppose your dad and mom probably realize this and I wouldnt be surprised if dad has got his own on the side as well. I would say to stay out of it and be supportive of sister by not harping on this with her. Get her to try to separate her mind from that aspect and try to enjoy her time not focus on sordid details. Try to be a family member for her and have fun with each other not gossiping about mom and dads personal life. yuck.

Well my 2 internet cents

 

Have you considered moving out? Getting away may put you in a better frame of mind to help your sister cope until she can get out. Since you'll have your own place, that may also give her somewhere to go when she needs to get away. That time out may be enough for her to keep going until she's off to college or moves out.

 

fixed.....

 

I don't have any new advice but I'd like to say I think it is pretty ****ty that your mom has been confiding in your sister about this affair when she is only 14 years old. Good luck on whatever you decide.

 

Besides, thadeus is a longtime poster here and we care about our own.

 

It can't be Thadeus man.
He strikes when we all least expect it... and he never gets caught.