What do you do when your girl starts gaining weight?

Not me...Mrs. Ref will actually have to lose 40 pounds or so to have her mother's shape. She's started exercising and working hard...so I do my best to be supportive.

She could gain 40 instead of lose 40 and I'd still love her just as much. I'd be terribly worried about her health though.

 

Uh, I don't think you have to worry about going too far anymore, Haven. I think being completely honest with her will cause much less friction/frostiness than calling her Roseanne Barr, lol.

 

Ummm...in her mind you just called her the least sexiest woman alive. I realize that you two had used that as a joke. But she's feeling especially self-conscious right now. I'd consider retiring that joke.

 

STOP!!! RED LIGHT!!! I just caught myself doing the typical "guy" thing. We are trying to offer you advice on how to help solve her problem. Not good in the eyes of females. Men are problem sovers. Women are nurturers. If women have a problem, men want to immediately come to their rescue and save them/solve their problems. BAD IDEA. All they want us to do is listen to them when they choose to talk about it. Don't even offer advice to her if and when she says that she's gaining weight. Just be understanding. If she asks for help give it. If not, let her vent.

 

Is she pregnant?

 

You really haven't been in long relationships, have you? Why she would be agressive about this issue and why she might gain weight during a time when she is stressed? Ever thought the wedding might be TOTALLY freaking her out? Guys think we are the only one's who get worried about getting married. Not only do women worry about being married, but, from the day they are born, they are primed and geared towards this one day. Ever wonder why the bridal magazines are like 50,000 pages per issue EVERY MONTH??? No doubt she is stressed out of her mind.

If you are scared you can't talk about something, that is completely fair. I get that. My guess is that her response to you is based on your approach. She knows she is gaining weight. She knows you notice. She is feeling insecure because she thinks all you care about is her weight. That is pissing her off very likely and rightly so.

Being totally honest is fine, but there is a point where you have to decide in situations like these if it is best to be right or best to be kind. I would argue that it is best to be kind and support her. If you just nice to her and allow her to be who she is, chances are she'll come to you with it herself. If it gets to be a health issue, you have a responsibility to HELP (not berate) her with it, but, for now, she is feeling stressed and un-loved and those are the things you must address FIRST.

 

You're a good man. Mrs. Ref is lucky to have you.

 

I think Jeff is a nurturer, and he's a guy.

 

Once again, she will lose weight on her own, not with someone pushing her to do so.

 

BTW Jeff, that wasn't an insult.

 

Refman - you rock!

haven - I can understand the feeling that there's something you can't talk about. I used to have the illusion that being married would mean you could talk about anything. My husband and I claim that we can, but that's not entirely true. There are certain areas that I'm supposed to avoid, like telling him what I really think of certain members of his family, or any personally sensitive stuff (things that make him react emotionally, or gray or thinning hair... even though I know there are a few gray hairs back there and it doesn't bother me). I'm sure you guys can sympathize with him. I'd hope he could be honest with me, and usually he can, but sometimes you get in trouble for being too honest. (like when I get home from a hard day of work, and he (after a hard day of unemployment) tells me about something I need to clean up or get done) In the end, it's just best to find other people to talk to about some things.

I am impressed with all you guys who offer your women opportunities to work out with you. I taught my husband to play racquetball, but he would get really frustrated if he didn't beat me (and I'm not that coordinated, so I'm pretty mediocre myself). Of course, it's no fun playing with someone who bends racquets in frustration, cusses like a sailor, and doesn't want to be there, so I no longer play with him. And, again, he'll only work out every other day.

 

Just my 2cents. I agree with Jeff & Ref's post completely. I went through something similar. When My wife and I were first married we were both very skinny however after my son was born, she gained some weight. I was going to say something tactful/direct but instead just tried to be supportive and it worked. I figured I loved her no matter what and its not worth it to hurt her feelings about it. Some words cant be taken back.

She was never obese so I dont know how I would handle that (health concerns) but I didnt pressure her and she lost the weight on her own. Now if I can manage to lose a few pounds myself.....

I would also be very careful in case maybe down the road she loses and maybe you gain some weight those jokes might come back around.

No my wife never reads this.

 

My wife has only been posting here and reading this BBS for 1 year. I, on the other hand, have been here since day one. Ask anyone who has been here with me if I would have posted this 3 years ago. I guarantee the response will be "yes."

This is who I am. Notice I don't use a nickname for the board. I don't care who reads anything I post because I say what I feel and I'm honest about it. Sure, I've freaked out a couple of times in anger or over something stupid. But, I admit it when I'm wrong and I do everything I can to stay true to what I believe even when my beliefs change, which they have throughout my life.

Hell, ask the people who've actually met me (or who know me) in real life. They'll tell you I'm pretty much as I am here.

 

Its hard to say "you gotta lose some weight" when you have a nice little belly yourself. I'd be an idiot to say anything.

 

I like to think so.

Seriously though...thanks for the kind words.

 

---> drapg steps on his soap box

I was in this predicament once upon a time...

But it was the other way around. I gained about 20 pounds after being in a long term relationship for 2 years. After the first year my thinking altered. I got into a phase where I thought, "I've been in this relationship for 12 whole months! I can stop watching what I eat, working out, and exercising. I don't need to impress anyone. I love her and she loves me. Period."

It didn't help that she could eat like a pig and not gain an ounce, and thus expected me to do the same with her. We would eat fast food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Growing up as a person that was NEVER allowed to eat fast food... well my body couldn't handle it. I ballooned into a hog.

2 years into the relationship I had enough. I broke up with her because I felt like my life was in a rut. All I did everyday was watch TV with her, pig out on food with her, and I hated who I had become.

So I started running and watching my dietary intake and the weight came off. I've never been happier

The morale of this story???

IT'S NOT JUST GIRLS THAT HAVE THIS PROBLEM! LOOK IN THE MIRROR GUYS! Just because society unfairly tells women they have to have a certain body doesn't mean that guys can allow themselves to become sloppy.

Unless you have a great body and take care of yourself, how can you expect your partner to do the same?

---> drapg steps off his soapbox.

(no offense, but threads like this anger me sometimes.)

 

sorry man, I meant no offense. Its just that I've seen the problems of anorexia and bullimia and sometimes I just go off.

You got a tough one there. Try to find outdoor activities that you can both enjoy... rock climbing? brisk walks?

whatever it is, ya gotta make it a routine in your lives. Make it important enough to schedule into your week.

good luck.

 

Just had to reply to this... btw, I like your solution about the weight issue.

Ah, the joys of Engaged Encounter. (so which one's Catholic? her, you, or both?) In my experience, it was kind of a fun retreat, though expensive. You won't lose weight at EE, either, as there was a big table piled high with snacks that people ate constantly the entire weekend. Of course, I was kind of cocky going into marriage... wanted to prove to everybody how cool I was and how perfect things were .

And good old natural family planning. It wasn't much fun to learn about (kind of graphic). The good news is - it DOES work. The bad news is - be prepared not to get some just anytime you want it.