Bush Unveils Asteroid Plan at Obesity Summit

heypartner · Jul 24, 2002

<b>Bush Unveils Asteroid Plan at Obesity Summit</b>

Running can Stop the Earth's Wobbling

Associated Press

Washington, DC. -- Solutions to correct the world's obesity problem might well be the solution to the asteroid problem, according to a plan revealed today by President Bush at the Obesity Summit. An asteroid discovered just weeks ago by scientists, who claim it will collide with Earth in 2019, has become the most threatening object yet detected in space, and President Bush is taking notice.

The program is to have the world's population of obese, unemployed people run East in unison on a daily basis, until 2019. Preliminary studies show that the friction of many million feet constantly pushing the opposite way of the Earth's spin will actually slow down the Earth, much like the effect of running the opposite way on a treadmill. By slowing down the Earth, a presidential advisor at NASA says the Earth's gravitational pull will correct its fat elliptical shape slightly to more of a perfectly shaped spherical one, making it thinner around its girth. As a consequence of everyone running slightly off zero degress latitude, he says we should be able to slightly change the Earth's wobbling, as well.

"The Earth is fat around its girth and wobbles, like so many obese people. The potential energy in fat people can be transferred to frictional energy to decrease the girth and wobbling of both," explains the presidential advisor, Daniel S. Goldin, who heads NASA.

Goldin went on to explain principles of Chaos Theory that suggest a thinner Earth with less wobbling will change the moon's orbit--like how the wind generated by the flapping of a butterfly's wings can change the dynamics of the weather. "Our slight changes will effect the gravitational dynamics of the solar system and change the path of the asteroid, and the world will be saved."

Charles Barkley, in attendance as a lobbyist for Frito Lays, pointed out possible problems to the scientists, such as the offsetting friction generated when returning from where you came. The scientists dismissed the idea by saying the effect can be marginalized by outfitting runners with less frictional transportation for the return trip, like roller blades.

Said one leading advocate in the science community who spoke on the condition of anonymity, "Everyone likes this idea and thinks it has a chance. The only voices against our scientific opinion are, as always, coming from ex-jocks who made fun of us in high school and now are unemployed, beer belly nobodies living in the past, who can't contribute something to mankind. Now that we've got them something worthwile to do with their life, we aren't going to let a lame ass "offsetting friction" theory of some ex-jock with no ring stop us."

<b>Volunteer Sign-Up to Begin Immediately</b>

In anticipation of this Chaos Theory program, dubbed "Americans for Less Wobbling," being proven viable in simulations, Bush placed a sign up form at www.citizencorps.gov for obese Americans to volunteer immediately for shifts. "No more waffling. We need to start running and stop wobbling, now," Bush said at the Summit to thunderous applause.

Bush later denied that he intends to make participation in the running program a prerequisite of getting unemployment checks. However, he did suggest government subsidies for corporations who start programs advocating running to work.

Jack Greenberg, CEO of McDonald's Corporation, a corporation that has consistently lobbied against goverment mandates to control fat content in foods, says this plan addresses the issue of lack of exercise as the main culprit causing obesity. Greenberg says McDonalds is 100% behind the President's new plan.

"While we are against obesity, we've always believed that eating fat is an American right and tradition; it is Apple Pie," Greenberg said to reporters of the opening day at the Summit. "This plan addresses obesity in a patriotic manner to save both America and obese Americans. You can have your Apple Pie and eat it, too, so to speak."
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B · Jul 24, 2002

Entertaining read HeyP. Thanks!

B

drapg · Jul 24, 2002

the onion?

Deckard · Jul 24, 2002

Damn, if I weighed more I could help save the planet.

So W. fired the bean-counter he put in charge of NASA and got Goldin to come back? That's golden!

Refman · Jul 24, 2002

Damn, if I weighed more I could help save the planet.
Click to expand...

I probably save the planet enough for us both. LOL

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