Ok, here goes.... A woman walked into a pet store, hoping to buy a talking bird. As she was looking over the prices, she spotted one going for only $25. "Why is this bird so cheap?" she asked the shop keeper. "Its former owner worked in a brothel, and sometimes it says offensive things." The woman didn't think this was a big deal, and bought the bird. When she got home, she placed the bird in a cage that sat in her living room. The bird looked around and said, "New house, new madame." A short time later the woman's daughters walked into the room, and the bird spoke again, "New girls." it said. The woman and her daughters thought nothing of this. Eventually, the womans husband, Kevin, came home and she showed him the bird. "Hello Kevin." the bird said. No real point to this thread, just good for a short laugh.
i heard that one before, except it was hillery (sp?) clinton who bought the bird and the bird was like "Hey Bill whats up"
How about this joke? Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up. "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce." Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"
A man vacationing in Argentina spots two men on the beach that look vaguely familiar. He realizes after a moment that one of the men looks a lot like Adolf Hitler and that the other has a striking resemblance to Goebbels. Curious, he eavesdrops on their conversation. The man who looked like Hitler was saying: "... and then we'll kill all the Jews and electricians!" Taken aback, the vacationing man wondered aloud, "Why would you want kill electricians?" "You see," said the Hitler look-alike, "I told you no one would care about the Jews."
One day, an tavern keeper stops to help a withered old man across the street. To show his gratitude once safely across, the old man gives the barkeep a genie's bottle, saying that the genie will grant him anything he wants. "But be very careful what you ask for, and how you ask for it", he warns. The barkeep stumbles into his tavern the next morning, looking quite disheveled & covered in feathers & bird droppings. Seeing this, his assistant asks what the heck happened. "I've got this genie bottle, you see, but when I asked for a million bucks, all I got was a gigantic flock of ducks, all over my house." He gives the assistant the bottle, hoping he'll have better luck with his wish. So, the next morning, the barkeep shows up at his tavern & finds the assistant sitting at the bar watching a tiny little man playing beautiful music on a tiny little piano sitting atop the bar. The tavern owner is overjoyed, "Can you imagine how much money we'll make with a unique attraction like this?, he exclaims. "But, how in the world did you think to ask for this?" The assistant responds, "You don't really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist, do you?"
If y'all like risque jokes.... A man was sitting at the dinner table, leaning his head back and popping peanuts in his mouth. His wife walked in while he was in mid-toss with one, and when he turned his head the peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to get the peanut out, but only succeeded in getting it stuck further in his ear. Finally he and his wife decided they would have to go to the hospital to have a doctor pry it out. As they were leaving, their daughter and her boyfriend were coming home from their date that night. The parents informed the youngsters of the situation, and the boyfriend told the father "Don't go to the hospital, I can get it out for you right now." So the young man places his fingers in the father's nostrils and asks the man to close his mouth and blow until his ears pop. When they do, the peanut comes out. After thanking the kid, the two young lovers go to the living room to watch a movie. Still in the kitchen, the wife remarks "What a clever young man! I wonder what he will be when he gets older?" And her husband replies "I don't know for sure, but by the smell of his fingers I'd say our son-in-law." A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that b**** and the jerk she's with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "I don't know...throw them in the swimming pool!" "What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause... "Uh .... is this 221-1811?"
