I'm not a parent, but I was a 13 year old just 8 years ago. You can't let him know that you went through his myspace/email...then he'll feel like you don't trust him and he'll feel that he's guilty til proven innocent. Then he'll feel like, "it doesn't matter what I do, my folks think I'm gonna mess up anyhow..." All you really can do is talk to him and hope that he listens to you...I know it sounds harsh, but the more invasive you are, the more likely he'll do stuff out of spite. Once my dad found out I drank, he quit drinking in front of me, and tried to forbid me from doing that...I did it A LOT MORE, just to show him that I wasn't gonna listen, and everytime I drank, I did kind of in rebellion. I felt he was just trying to keep me from having fun. I didn't listen to him telling me about DUI's or how I could get killed and what not... However, once he let me have a beer here and there at home (at age 19-20), it kinda took away some of the fun of drinking. Its weird...I hardly touch alcohol now...until I turn 21. I'm not recommending that you let your 13 year old do any drugs...but give him your trust after you talk to him. Try to allow him to understand the effects of doing drugs...tell him how bad jail is, tell him how bad the health effects are in a way he can understand at 13 years old. As far as his friends: You can try to get him into activities which would keep him away from those friends after school. If he's not interested in doing drugs...he'll gradually drift away from those friends (if they do it a lot). I didn't start drinking/smoking til I stopped playing basketball for school...had a lot of extra time on my hands after that. You honestly have to have some faith in what you raised...ultimately, its his choice. What will you do when he's 16-18 just driving around doing his own thing...there are some lessons you have to let him learn on his own. Now if it starts getting out of hand, then you should intervene and punish him and do whatever it takes to get him off the stuff. But talk to him, give him your full trust, and have faith that he'll make the right choices right now...and give him confidence to stand up for himself too...13 year olds will fall into the crowd very easily. Let him know that its okay to be himself and make his own choices in life...just have to relate to a 13 year old, that might be the hard part. If he's into sports, show him what drugs have done to some pro players, tell him girls won't like him if he's doing drugs, and finally, let him know you're serious about it...make sure he's sees the concern in your face. hope that helped a little bit...wishing the best to you and your son!
I don't know which is the more ridiculous response, this one or the poster who wrote that every child fondles another at some point while growing up. Experimenting with drugs is NOT "part of growing up".
It all starts at home man. I have a teenage son and we talk about everything. Drugs, sex and different types of friends. He tells me alot and som of the stuff I hear is just amazing. Ive been through it already with another kid and it was tough. You always have to be one step ahead of them. Teaching your kid at home rather than letting him hear it from those other knucklehead kids will help you. But dont become one of those parents that try to be a friend more than a parent. 'Listening' helps alot.
Honesty is the ONLY policy. The "fear mongering" and "doom and gloom" scenarios perpetrated by the media will only make the kid more curious (potentially). Education about the long-term effects and potential outcomes of such experimentation are really a parents' only weapons against drug use/abuse. Telling the other kids' parents also has the possibility of negative ramifications. Not only will the other kids band together against you, they could ostracize your child from the group. (I realize it seems ironic that you wouldn't want your kid "banned" from the group of drug users.) It could also cause your child to "side" with that group and begin an irreparable rift between you two. At this age, the child's motivation to fit in with the group is much stronger than his desire to please his parents. It's a very sharp double-edged sword. The level of sensitivity required in this area cannot be overstressed. You must be very careful and choose your words wisely, my friend. A heavy hand (in one direction or another) can propel your relationship with your child in a direction you absolutely want to avoid. Good luck. You're going to need it. I'm sure I'll be asking you how this went in a few years (when I'll be in the same boat with my son). I'm only speaking from my experience in your kid's shoes at this point. I fully believe my parents' strictness and heavy-handedness played a key role in my own rebellion (and subsequent drug use/abuse).
Really? 16-18? Even though it may cost them opportunities to get/hold a job, participate in sports/activities in school. Not to mention, that regardless of how you feel about drugs, it is against the law.
some really odd advice is being written in here. Maybe its mathhew mcConaughey's multiple accounts. don't be afraid of your kids. you're the adult.....you make the decisions, because you're the responsible one. if you feel it's best for him to not hangout with a certain group of kids, then "it is what it is". best wishes firecat.
I'm in the minority here obviously, but the time to be experimenting with drugs (esp. weed) is around age 16-22, before you have any 'real' responsibilities, like a steady job, kids, rent, etc. Doing drugs, etc. is one of THE best ways to grow up, as long as you're preconditioned to knowing what the **** you're doing. That's the job of the parents, to provide you with the info to help you confront any situation with a reasonable basis of knowledge beforehand. The people arguing against this are often people who have never done drugs, or did them way too much and understand the ramifications of lack of moderation. Kids are going to be more enamored with the 'mystery' of drugs if they came from a sheltered upbringing, and be far more likely to do something stupid if they're not properly prepared. Same with sex, alcohol, etc. If you're a parent but have never done drugs/booze, you may not be able to fire up a joint or drink a beer with your kid, but you can at least be honest with them about what you did and why you chose to do it. They will respect you a lot more than if you ignore or force an issue upon them. I do not have kids but if I did, I would teach them personal responsibility in ALL areas, since that is a parent's job, by definition. I am not condoning illegal activities, but if you're going to do them, at least know how to do them the right way.
Smoke a big fat doob in front of him and ask him if he wants a hit. He'll never think drugs are cool again.
I definitely have a problem with this. First off let me say that I am in the group that thinks it's ridiculous how much attention Phelps got when he got caught smoking, and I have plenty of friends who are my age (21) who smoke and still do great in school, have a good job, etc. So I have no real problem with weed as long as the person still has their life in order (obviously Phelps is doing pretty well... ) The thing is, if I were a parent, I would not be okay with knowing that my teenage kid smoked. When I think about all the kids I know from high school whose lives are already in shambles there is one common denominator. They were the kids who were smoking weed in middle/early high school. While there are definitely some kids who broke the trend and are doing fine, the majority of these kids inevitably got into more serious stuff and are now wasting their lives away. firecat, being only a few years removed from a teenager I can tell you that the relationship I had with my parents was a main reason I stayed out of all that stuff. I just didn't want to disappoint them. I know not all kids are like this but I just really wanted them to be proud of me. Good luck, man.
16-22 is basically the launching pad for the rest of your life. Most people are finishing high school, going to college, or otherwise working toward a career that will put them in prime position to land that steady job, pay that rent, take care of those kids, etc. I readily admit that I didn't do a good enough job utilizing those particular years myself, and that's without ever having touched an illegal drug.
There is so much wrong with this I don't know where to begin. 1. First there is no reason to ever "experiment" with drugs. 2. Doing drugs is NOT NOT NOT one of the "best ways to grow up". The job of a parent is NOT to teach their kids how to responsibly do drugs. 3. You can properly prepare your kids for all of life's "mysteries" without having participated in them. 4. I think my kids (27 and 32) respect me for living my life honestly and without using drugs moreso than had I used them. For example, they see that I am and have been successful in my job and the work force for 35+ years. I have a long lasting marriage. I have always been able to provide them a comfortable living and can provide them help, advice and support. AND I DID IT WITHOUT EVER USING DRUGS.
I completely disagree with this... --To the OP, the following is basically how I will approach this with my children when they get old enough to have the talk. Kids (prepubescent and throughout puberty) are at a high risk when it comes to drug use because their bodies react in unpredictable ways when it comes to drugs. Ritalin is a great example. In ADD/ADHD kids, it acts as a mild depressant, giving many kids the ability to focus to overcome the effects of attention deficit and hyperactivity. In adults, however, the drug is a moderate stimulant, I have known a number of parents who have gotten hooked on their kids' prescriptions for a variety of reasons, one of the most common is weight loss. Drugs are also dangerous for kids because with the wide variety of different chemicals available, it is likely that extensive experimentation, will lead to the user finding something that their body (or mind) craves for one reason or another. If one doesn't have the maturity to recognize warning signs of drug misuse and abuse, it is VERY easy to develop psychological dependence and addiction. I experimented with drugs as a teenager for about 21 months. In that time, I went from a 3.5 GPA to dropping out of high school. Most of that change was due to one drug in particular, but I found that one because I was willing to experiment. When I saw that the "Just Say No" meme and the demonizing propaganda was inaccurate, I stopped trusting anything that adults had to say about drugs because I knew that they were lying. Once I went from alcohol to mar1juana, I was exposed to people (dealers) who preferred that I use other, more profitable, drugs. Thus started my graduation to harder substances. I will not tell you that all drugs and all drug use is bad. In fact, when you turn 18 I will gladly sit down with you and show you how to responsibly use alcohol and/or mar1juana and will also educate you on best practices on top of talking to you about other drugs. It isn't that I want you to use drugs, I just recognize that there is a time and place for everything (it's called college ) and that you will probably experiment with some psychotropics eventually. Since I know this, I would rather that you have the most accurate information possible, and your friends do not have that information. After I stopped using drugs (at 17), I started counseling people, mostly kids, about drug use and abuse. I became a counselor's aide for a 12 step based program for kids, and subsequently worked in several adolescent chemical dependency hospitals. I have seen the worst case scenarios and it would absolutely crush me to have to watch you go through it rather than benefit from my experiences. I spent my late teens and early 20s completely sober, no drugs, no alcohol, no psychotropics except for the Vicodin after my hernia surgery in 1989. I spent this time figuring out who I am and what my relationship with God was. If there is one thing that I want you to take from this conversation it is that you should simply wait to make the decision to use drugs (alcohol included) until you are an adult. Once you are an adult, I will support any decision you make once you have 100% accurate information. Again, the one thing I want to ask from you, as your father, is to defer any decision to use drugs until you are 18. I'm only asking this because I love you and I want the best for you. You will be able to make mature, informed decisions when you are an adult. I want you to be better than I was.
There are a lot of stories about kids willingly doing drugs because they crack under pressure. Not true. If your kid has a decent enough life, he will not do drugs. If he feels like he has something to lose, he will not do drugs. The only kids that do drugs are the kids who's parents got divorced or something or they went through something troubling in their life. Those are the kids who end up doing drugs just to relieve the stress.
Talk with them openly and honestly and always be there if they need to talk. Them trusting you is important but you being the parent in the relationship and setting the rules and limits not to be broken is key. Based on my personal experience growing up it will be hard to control what they do so teaching them right from wrong is going to be the key.
You can't help who your son's friends are. Forcing him into a bubble would only cause him to try and break out. I started drinking about his age, but never got into drugs, despite the fact that the vast majority smoked weed, and a few were doing hard drugs. By the time I was a Freshman I was spending time around other kids while they did cocaine/heroine(one even did crack with her parents). I never got into any of it aside from drinking because I was raised better than that, and that wasn't me. I drank mostly because I grew up watching my father drink every day(never violent, in fact he got nicer), and maybe coming from a long line of alcoholics didn't help. I thought it was cool because my Dad was doing it. I almost never drink anymore, because I don't want my son to grow up thinking drinking is a good thing. Though I do want him to be aware of moderation if he does choose to. Honestly talking to your kids is important. Talk to your son before he is too old to listen, and even share real-life examples of why you know whats right.
Go to Hulu.com and have him watch a couple of episodes of "Intervention". Try to find one where the person is pretty screwed up, then maybe he'll see that he doesn't want to be that way. Scare tactics worked pretty well for me
The main thing I would change in this conversation is instead of telling them to wait until they are 18 I'd encourage them to wait until they graduate college. They are much more likely to make a rational, informed decision at 22 than at 18. And they can concentrate on education rather than playing with drugs and alcohol. FWIW.
