It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt . -- George Eliot Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.-- Abraham Lincoln (also attr. Confucius) It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.-- Mark Twain (1835-1910) Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding. -- Bible, 'Proverbs' 17:28.
I was the same way, I just grew out of it once I got fed up enough. Mine, however was based on fear/being timid, etc. So there's a few things you need to consider: 1) Figure out if you're that way in a crowd because you're scared/afraid you won't be accepted, etc., or if that's just how you are. 2) If you're that way in a crowd because you're scared/afraid, you will grow out of it eventually once you naturally gain some confidence over time, or take some of the following steps from the above posts on how to be better in conversations, or 3) If you're just that way in a crowd because that's just who you are...then just be who you are. If people hate on you for that, screw those people, find a different crowd. There's nothing wrong with just being yourself unless being yourself is a jerk/bad person.
Seriously, you got the best advice right here in the 3rd post- ask questions of others. I would recommend the book How To Win Friends and Influence People- not so much for the influence part, but for the first. You'll see that what Big Texxx is saying is right- ask questions because people love to talk about themselves. Best questions to ask are about their work and hobbies. And be genuine about it, as well.
This is amateur conversation advice. Conversations is not an interrogation or interview. Asking questions is a good start, but we could have gotten that advice from the movie: The 40 Year Old Virgin. I can tell that what you want is something more than the basic 101. Sure, start getting your confidence up by asking lots of questions in your conversations. This can work for short conversations or a good portion of a long conversation, but eventually most people will get tired of talking (unless you talk to the shallow people that are bigtexxx's audience). This is where you go to Brightside's advice and Rawool's advice. I know it is more complex and time-consuming (Brightside's in particular) but it is dead on. So in summary, start practicing conversations by asking questions based on things your audience would find interesting (job, hobby, pop culture). Meanwhile, start doing what Brightside is saying. Start reading about interesting things that are going on in the world so you can talk about them, and become a well-rounded person in general. Depending on the audience you usually go for, you can vary the "sophistication" of your reading material. Politics, business, world events, recent popular movies are often big subjects (other than sports). But only you know what subjects interest your audience. Politics can get chippy, I think it is tacky to bring up at dinner conversations because you might get in an argument that you would find in the D&D. If you are at dinner with a bunch a girls, I've found that they like talking about their problems at work or with their relationships, and then the girls try to help the girl with their problems by offering consolation and advice. I am not recommending trying to do this, since I've never done it before myself. But perhaps its something that you can look into (we can't ignore the other half of the population). Its definitely no way to get laid because you land in friendship zone. But if you become friends with one hot girl, she'll introduce you and vouch for you amongst her hot girlfriends. Good luck my friend.
I have this problem too. For me, it happens to be photography. It's my hobby but I'm not good at it. Somehow if you do it long enough, you might actually acquire some new friends and have common things to talk about.
True. But IMHO, it also boils down to how comfortable I am with myself. I may be the most knowledgeable person in the room but I have difficulty sharing it with others.
wow, im almost the exact opposite. i'm good in crowds and i'm good at getting the conversation going in a crowd but im terrible in one-on-one situations unless it's a close friend i've known since high school or something. My awkwardness in 1-on-1 situations has made it hard for me to make new friends
I have to completely agree with BigTexxx ...maybe a first ever. lol Be KNOWN for something. If you get really good at something is one way to do it. But that isn't the only way to do it. During my first job I simply started calling myself SuperBob and even signed my emails that way. It was stupid but for some reason everybody at work thought it was funny and people verbally started calling me that. It kinda took a life of it's own. I wouldn't recommend that, cause it's stupid, but if you are really stupid and you don't care ...people think it's funny. After all, JackAss made 2 movies being stupid. Another example, I'm a Red Rowdy. It was hard for me to go out in public and act like a complete idiot all the time but I love for the Rockets helped me overcome it. But I saw how people responded and everybody loves it. So I've grown to enjoy it. Now friends and coworkers and neighbors all know I'm the crazy rowdy guy and constantly bring up Rockets to me. ...and it happens to be a topic I know more than the average person about so it's easy for me to talk about. Now at parties, I don't even have to introduce myself ...my friends WANT introduce me. It's really funny. In short, find something you love to do or be really good at it. I tend to do it by making a fool out of myself but you could find more dignified ways to do it. lol ...and yes, people (esp women) love to talk about themselves.
Realest post in the thread. At the end of the day, why should you care what people think about you? So you're the quiet one, big deal. I'm sure you've already have or will be going through something much harder than being the quiet guy of the group.
It's especially tough for introverted folks, like yourself I am assuming, to at least give the impression that they are comfortable in larger social situations. The dificulty lies in the fact that introverted people not only shy away but dislike small talk. I can't stand it either, the catchup, the back and forth with no real information being exchanged makes my face melt. This is where the "know something well" advice helps: at the introduction of that subject, the conversation becomes deeper for you as it is something you care about, and the effort of conversation is lightened. This works well with introversion because time not socializing can be spent on absorbing knowledge of said interests: sports, politics, technology, news, music, movies, history, literature,etc. This way you also develop an opinion on most subjects, and nothing takes the edge off a conversation like arguing something you believe in. You can also attempt to break down the larger group into smaller ones. Singling out those you think you can be more comfortable talking to, and that can break you out of your shell easier. At that point you may be more comfortable talking to larger groups with certain people. You sort of make your way into the center of attention. I'm in the same boat you're in, during parties or out at the bar with 8+ people I clam up and laugh at everything like a goof. One on one I think I can hold a conversation with anyone, except probably my parents. Those are auto-akward silences.
And smoking is unfortunately a good ice breaker. It also is a good excuse to not talk to people in a social situation, while giving your hands something to do.
There's quite a bit of good advice here, but it won't do you much good until you realize your biggest problem. Your biggest problem isn't that you find it difficult to strike up conversations with people. Your biggest problem is that you think you suck because of that. You have a self-esteem problem, OP. Newsflash: you're not the only introvert in the world. There are plenty of introverts. I am an introvert myself, and yes, just like you, people tell me that I am quiet, I don't talk a lot etc. Starting conversations doesn't come naturally or easy for me either. Making new friends, though, I have no problem with at all. For starters, I am absolutely confident in myself. I know who I am, I know God made me that way, and I'm proud of it. There is value in not being an overly talkative person -- a proverb says "a word fitly spoken is like an apple in settings of gold and silver". Now here's the important part: Because I am confident in myself, I can overcome whatever minor fear is there, walk up to someone new, introduce myself and start a conversation. I can listen to groups of people talking and interject quality lines or great jokes. I love being me, and people love me for being me. I know what my strengths are and I love being able to use them for other people's benefit, and people appreciate that about me. My friends don't love me because of my talking...they love me for being who I am. Now the tips some have given are very good and will help you with the technical aspects of meeting people and getting to know them (like asking open-ended questions, enriching your mind so that you have interesting stuff to share with others, etc.), but they won't do you much good if you think being an introvert makes you an inferior human being. Believe me, until you get a grip of yourself and start loving yourself, you're not going to find love from other people. Drop the self-loathing act or you're going to be alone in your little pity cesspool forever.
Does anyone know of any classes or coursed the OP could take? I think practice in a situation like that like a class or something would be beneficial. And I agree with Pimphand, bigtexx's advice was good, but you don't want the conversation to be a Q/A session. You need to contribute more than just asking questions.
