Advice/Tips Needed (Relationship with an Older Woman!)

Dear God, I can't believe I'm old enough to be "the older woman" (I'm 32) but here's a female perspective on your situation:

RUN!!!!!

Now my explanation -- I'm sure she's a very nice person, but there are caution flags all over the place:

1. She has a history of being dumped -- I know it sounds cold, but if she drove those other guys to ditch her, she'll likely do the same to you eventually.

2. It's moving TOO fast -- her actions so far indicate a "needy" personality. Calling too much, coming to your place of business, getting physical very quickly...those all indicate a desire to work her way into the fabric of your life very early in the relationship. On their own, those aren't necessarily bad things, but added in with everything else, they paint a rather questionable picture of her personality.

3. She's much older than you -- I have nothing against younger guys but my neighbor is a 23-year-old guy (same age difference for me and him as you and your gal). I feel like he's from a different planet! I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with him. There is a world of difference between a twenty-year-old woman and a woman in her thirties. The fact that your lady is looking to get involved with someone so much younger, especially at a time in her life when she is most likely looking to settle down, raises more questions.

I understand your feelings. You're deeply infatuated, and it's hard to look at a relationship objectively in the early romantic stages. But be aware that she probably has some pretty heavy emotional issues she's dealing with, and you're likely to get dragged into them if you aren't careful. Her neediness, which seems charming now, will most likely be the very thing that ends up driving you away in the end. Just be careful.

 

I was going to say almost exactly the same thing that Mrs. JB said about her having a needy person, but I thought I shouldn't chime in since i'm only 18....but since I pretty much had a lot of the same things on my mind...

My dad and his current wife have a really big age cap in between them. In a way its strange, but I don't think it bothers my dad...On the other hand, I think it kind of bothers his wife now...They split up for a while because of the age difference (according to my dad that was why she wanted the split so much) but now they are back together.

At first, its easy to say that "age isnt anything but a number," but seriously, if you think you could get into a long term relationship with the person you have to take it into consideration.

The chick said she wanted to 'take it slow' because she had been 'hurt' by two guys (one long term relationship and one fairly long term relationship) that she had been with for a while...

It seems to me that she's looking to jump right back into a long term relationship with a guy that will give her some affection that she really needs at this time. In my opinion, someone who has been deeply 'hurt' by two guys with relationships that lasted as long as hers did wouldn't even be looking to talk to a guy. I know different people do different things, but she seems really questionable, especially considering the fact that she is calling so much and wanting to spend time with you so much. For someone wanting to 'take it slow' having sex this soon in the relationship should probably tell you something about her.

 

I have to agree with Mr. JB and SirCharlesFan...

i was in a relationship with a needy person for 2 years...

it started just as you describe your significant other... we met, were friends for a while, than started dating... she wanted to see me everyday and she would call me all the time (whenever i wasn't around)... this was during college and it got to the point that she came with me to my classes, just to spend time with me... when she wanted me to come to her classes (and i couldn't b/c i wanted to study) she would get upset... so i would go to her classes and study my own stuff in them... this was my first serious relationship (i, too, was 21 at the time) and i thought i was in love... she ended up unofficially moving in with me (she still had her own apartment with her roommates, but rarely saw them, because all of her clothes ended up at my place over the months and she lived with me)... we never did anything apart, i lost contact with most of my friends and hung out with her exclusively... we quickly became emotionally overdependent on each other... back then i thought that was what love was all about (because i had never wanted to spend so much time with just one person before)... but after 2 years, i finally felt suffocated and broke up with her... we had an extremely BAD breakup, and it took me a LONG time to get over it... after some analysis i realized i was too attached to her, to the point it was unhealthy, which I accidentally perceived to be love... we tried being friends on and off, but just couldn't master it... i haven't talked to her in nearly a year now...

i am 24 years old now and can't seem to comprehend the whole "love" thing...

i just thought i would share, b/c your story sounds eerily similar to mine.

 

Yep Quicksilver, I mostly agree with the others. The problem I see is you have fallen for her. If you weren't so attached I would say just keep it chill and causal/friendly (w or w/o sex) and see what happens. But that doesn't sound possible at this point so I don't see how her unstability and issues can't spill over into you. BTW if you do hook up again and this is what you want you might want to go south first before the main course.

 

Forget these ninnies. Have some fun

 

Wow. That is a load to ponder. It sounds like you have found something that feels great...and could be amazing for a while.

I can't speak from the perspective of the older women here, but I can speak from my experience of getting married to an older woman. I met my wife when I was 21 and she was 25 going on 26. Another similarity was a lack of experience when I met her, but none of that has mattered. We've been very happily married for 5 years now.

Some reasons that it worked for us:
1. I have always been a little serious and mature for my age.
2. She looked - and still looks - younger than me (the truth hurts, but this is important)
3. She doesn't want or need to have children. This is important because while I was more than ready to get married at 23, no way was I ready to have kids.
4. While she was that much older than me, she wasn't that much more experienced in relationships than me.

Things that will probably make everything more difficult for you:
1. Double the age difference
2. Tons of emotional baggage. Personally, I think this is the largest warning sign. It won't go away, she won't forget it, and you will have to deal with the consequences of the previous guys messing with her head.
3. You will find it difficult to find friends in common.
4. While it's unlikely that you are ready for kids and or marriage, I bet she is.

I really feel for you man. She's probably awesome and really fun to be with, and you sound nice enough to go miles out of your way to avoid hurting her.

My advice (albeit probably completely useless):
1. Try to be completely objective and evaluate all possible outcomes of this relationship. Here's some samples:
a) She says "I'm pregnant."
b)Her highschool boyfriend wants to get back with her and she leaves you
c) You get married and have a kid or two. You are now 24 and want to retool and go back to school, but can't afford to because of your responsibilities.
d) You live happily ever after.

2. Try to stay completely open and honest with her. I remember how it felt to be able to share my feelings and not have to cover things up for the first time. It felt wonderful. It may keep you together or drive you apart, but I think it will help you make the best decisions.

3. If, after doing #2, you find out she is lying to you or trying to present a false picture of herself, do what Mrs. JB advised: RUN!!! Deceit is not a healthy base for a relationship.

Good luck man. Please realize that while most of the advice you will receive is negative, it's only because this is such a long shot.

 

I must agree
She is just looking for comfort after her EVENT
and you maybe it. . . but DO NOT GET SERIOUS

She does seem a bit needy so watch out.
Let her know . .. set YOUR boundaries

Man . . in all seriousness. . .be careful
you seem to have been honest and upfront
If you want a relationship with her. . . be aware of her
1. background
2. neediness. .

Cause it *will* start to not be CUTE anymore

Does she have any kids?

Rocket River

 

it took me about a full year to get over her... at first i was miserable... actually more miserable than i had been at any point in my life... i basically became an alcoholic, but didn't realize it b/c i was in college and already drank a lot... but i got to the point where i failed a class b/c i would drink everyday with my friends instead of study! i cut all contact with her b/c it was too painful to see her... but after 3 months she begged that we become friends again, and i thought i was ready.... of course i couldn't handle it b/c i was miserable just being friends... we would go months w/o communicating, than she would always approach me to try and rekindle a friendship... after 1 year of this, we finally stopped talking back in may 2001... never have spoken again...


oh, and thanks to guttersnipe's warnings, i can mention that she used words "I'm pregnant" about 1 year into the relationship.

 

have fun..dont be worried that you cant make her get off all the way like she says ..

she'll 'c*m' around so to speak and you may be suprised the pretty boys arent always the best in bed..it sounds like she wants soem young love and at 30 years a woman knows what they want..

be careful that you dont get her pregnant thats a big one..

if she is needy and over 30 and been in a few bad relationships she may be ready to have a child and you may have set yourself up as her 'giving' as you put it sperm donor..

but put a little ruibber thingy on your **** and go for it... she'll rock your world and enjoy it ..over 30 horn dogs are easy to find but attractive ones that you like- arent..you da man..

it sounds to me you are a little needy too..thats fine though everyone is to an extent..but dont get into something just cause you havent been laid in 2 years or whatever ..but i am one to talk as i have gotten in too quick before after a dry spell and i could have taken it a little slower...

 

This is much better than my "Ever dated a Neighbor" saga.

Good times.

 

I agree with Mrs. JB, SCF, and others.

I will say this, though: one of the biggest male sexual fantasies, for many guys, is to get involved with an older woman.

From what it sounds like to me, these fantasies have become a reality.

Good luck and don't do something stupid like getting her pregnant.

 

Danger Will Robinson, Danger! Though you may be having a good time right now, there is a dark side to this. When I was 19 I was dating a 35 year old. The story is almost identical to yours - and it turned out bad with her saying that she was in love with me and wanted to have my baby!!!! Anyway, my advise to you is to go ahead with the relationship, I think everyone on the BBS knows that you will, but please for the love of God, go slowly and don't let her take control of you which believe it or not, it is what she wants. Good luck with it.

<i>-Turbo</i>

 

Go for it man, just be careful!

 

Show up on your next date with swim fins and a scuba mask.

 

Keep ****ing her.









Just kidding. Dude, it don't matter how old she is. If you love her, and she loves you, Its all good. Unless you're Derek Jeter, and Richard Simmons is your only hope for true love.

 

Man, I'm probably the last person to offer advice as i'm in a similar situation except she's 33, i'm 27.. She's my boss, has 3 kids... and oh yeah.. a boyfriend (guess that's important). We've been having an affair for a month now and i'm not really sure what i'm doing. It's a crazy situation and i'm not really expecting anything to come out of it, but I haven't really been able to talk to anyone about this so I hope ya'll don't mind me sharing.

 

Whooooaaaa. This makes Quicksilver's situation look quite happy, normal and safe by comparison. (as for him, sure, she might have issues, but if he wants to go for it he can... ) Now, as for you, there are two obvious big problems, and the boyfriend is only #2... #1, of course, is your work relationship. Hopefully, whatever comes out of this, it doesn't get too ugly for you... since it's hard to resolve such situations comfortably.