Am i a stalker? (be prepared to read)

So ive never told anyone this but what the hell. I need to get it off my chest and get opinions.

So 5 years ago, i came home after boot camp and joined this military dating site to meet new people b/c i didn't know where i was gonna be stationed after i finished training in cali. This girl instant messaged me and we started talking. Her husband left her while she was pregnant, and her daughter was 3 months old when i first talked to her. At first, it was nothing to me, more of a girl i could hang out with and have sex with when i got to cali since i was in the infantry and always around a bunch of dudes, i needed a girl. I was gonna be training in Camp Pendleton and she lived in Whitter, Ca. About 45 minutes away.

We talked for months and we had a great connection. Every time we tried to meet in person, something would come up. I ended up being stationed in Hawaii and she bought a ticket to come see me. We would talk on phone for hours and chat online all night every night. She would sometimes leave voice mails and trying to hide that she was crying. Until one night she texts me "i think i love you" and it was the first time any girl ever mentioned that to me. I really liked her a lot at this point and couldn't get her out of my mind. Some stuff goes down and i get in trouble when she is supposed to come see me, she gives the ticket to her mom instead since i couldnt leave base. I ended up ultimately being discharged.

Months go by and she ends up back with her husband. I dont contact her for 6 months untill i call her one day. For the next year and a half she would respond but then disappear on me and i knew it was b/c she was with her husband and i got pissed and said some ugly stuff to her b/c she was telling me i was still in her heart. Several attempts of meeting up fall through b/c i start acting crazy an impatient and telling her how much i love her and leavin voicemails of me crying and begging for her. MySpace comes into the picture and i start writing her messages every other day. Long and beautiful messages about my feelings. She would read every one of them but i knew she wouldnt reply. So 5 years from the beginning and im still writing her every other day. She's never missed one message, read every single one. Beginning of last year, i went a month without writing her and then out of the blue she wrote me "If it means anything, you were one of the only guys that made me laugh and i do miss that..." I reply and she goes back to reading my messages and never replying. March last year she responds saying her father died and shes going through stuff. We write back and forth a few times but it would take her days to respond after having already read it and i got impatient and went off on her, she got super pissed and told me i always get crazy on her and she put me on block. I create a new profile to contact her again and for months she reads all my messages again and never replies till one day i said ***** it and i wrote her a nice and erotic and detailed message about how i ***** her in my dreams.

Apparently it works,she writes a few weeks later and tells me i always snap when i talk to her and wants me to relax. She finally makes the change from myspace messages and gives me her messenger so we can IM again....as soon as we start chatting again, she asks for my number so she can send me a pic. Everything is going perfect and we still have great connection after all these years. We text and chat every day. She tells me her uncles band is playing at some mexican rodeo here san antonio an houston one weekend. I tell her i could go to SA and we can drive back to Houston the next day for the rest of the weekend. She says she'd like that. Well, eventually she decides its too much money and that she has her daughter and a house to take care of alone now. I understand completely and agree she needs her money and we will figure out a way at a better time.

We continue talking for another month but then i get super impatient. 5 years and i still havent seen her. I have a right to lose patience. I snap again and piss her off. She tells me to leave her alone. Starts ignoring me again. Reading every message and plea for forgiveness but no reply.

So b/c i can't stand not talking to her, i create a fake myspace profile with some avg looking guy but atleast with a 6 pack in order to get her attention. It took a few months but i eventually got her to get on messenger after writing back and forth on myspace. I start talking to her all of december and shes loving it. Telling me how she loves my personality. She tells me that no matter what i look like, my personality made me amazing, and loved how comfortable she was talking to me. Of course she didn't know it was me. It starts to get to the point where its going too far and its obvious she likes this guy i'm pretending to be. I confess to her. She goes off on me and calls me crazy and tells me to get out of her life. I keep apologizing that telling her i knew she was going through tough times and i knew i could make her smile and thats only way i could. She replies a couple more times telling me how i always manage to ***** things up and i just blew it with her.

So...here we are all these years...im 24 and shes 27 and her daughter is 5 going on 6 this year and im back to writing her all the time, and she reads every message instead of blocking me. I noticed that her divorce is finally official this past week and i get sick in my stomach thinking about some jerk using her for sex. We all know dudes prey on single mothers that are not feeling their best. I know shes only had 3 partners her whole life and 1 was obviously her husband of 7 years. I dont even get sick if shes still *****ing her ex but i get so shi*ty when i think about someone else hooking up with her that i want to throw up. I dont know why but its not healthy b/c i know she will eventually be hooking up with someone.

Wow. This was epic length. So my questions is, am i a stalker and am i wrong in the head for all this? Even if theres a chance i mean a lot to her and she wants to give it a shot, i mean she even named her dogs Jedi and Obi-Wan, (im a big star wars fan and always talked to her about it) So am i wrong for not giving up? Not one day all these years has gone by without thinking of her. Literally. And am i crazy for having such strong feelings for her, i've seen plenty of pictures to know shes gorgeous. She aint perfect but shes gorgeous. And we have amazing chemistry and connection when im not going crazy and ruining everything. Am i *****ed up mentally?

 

FAIL

Please move this to the appropriate section.

DAMNIT!

 

HAHA that was the first thing i thought everyone would think when i posted in the GARM.

I'm so embarrassed. Screw it. I needed to get it off my chest.

Phewwww....

 

These are the replies im looking forward to actually.

And before we go on, let it be known i have no problems with girls in every day life. Im a very attractive guy. I hook up with a lot of different girls all the time, but thats b/c i have needs and i just can't get anything emotional out of it and it gets old. Im tired of one night stands and or getting a girl in bed hours after meeting her at a bar or something.

It's just this girl has a power over me. I want her to be the mother of my children.