Actually, I would be less bothered probably if I found out right after. My feelings would be more intense but I wouldn't wonder about all the years in between. At least the truth would be out. And, I would only leave if I were able to determine that this action was either going to happen again or that there were no hope for resolving the issue. Speaking only for myself, I think it would be. I think I would be distrurbed by the fact that my wife didn't feel the need to be honest with me and I would feel hurt and mostly I would wonder about all the years in between. Fessing up may not be good for the marriage but it is good for the soul. But, I understand what you mean. I've known a number of people who carried on affairs who ended up divorced - my parents in particular. One thing I've learned through all that is that it is RARELY just the fault of the one who cheated. Like all relationship problems, it is something the couple created as a whole. There are obvious exceptions to the rule, but find me a cheating wife or husband and I'll show you a marriage that already had problems on both sides of the aisle.
Just a side note: It is interesting you asked about if your "wife" cheated given the fact that, statistically speaking, 61 percent of the people who responded to this thread have or will cheat on their wife. However, that number is less than 40 percent for wives. Interesting.
Well Jeff 1. in the 1st post I said Spouse. 2. Women cheating is on the rise . . . statistically speaking [I think they just being a blatant and careless as men now as oppose to the past. . . Women know how to carry a secret to the grave] 3. Since I'm willing to guess the majority of the people on this site are male. . . . . .It would not be *tto* far out of place. Rocket River
I was just trying to be funny hence the . However, the suggestion that women know how to carry a secret to the grave is quite a generalization. In addition, infidelity among women has always been outpaced by men. Yes, it has been on the rise since women began working outside the home in larger numbers. However, the statistical difference is still significant.
For the record, I'm Male. While not quite the same, I once had a girlfriend of about 4 years, whom I truly loved more than any other single person ever, come out and tell me about how she cheated on me perhaps 3 months ago. While she very contrite, and while I agreed to forgive her, I was so hurt and sad that I don't think I have to this day. Basically from that point on, despite our sincere efforts to 'make it work', the relationship basically just wen't straight to the crapper because I couldn't get beyond it and we split up a couple of months later. My point is, in that situation, I'd think that either you'd do your best to work through with her whatever hurt and mistrust you were feeling, or you'd probably be better off ending it there.
What if it's your spouse and your best friend. The spouse is contrite, swears it won't happen again, and your faced with losing one or both? You blow off your best friend, but things are awkward because of several common friends that don't know what's going on. You lose several of them over time, because they don't understand why you treat the best friend the way you do and don't hang out with the "gang". You can't tell them what's up as your trying to make things work with the spouse. After many years your life has changed drastically. Was it all worth it, or should you have blown the spouse off, told everyone what had happened, and just pressed on with your life. Hypothetical, of course.
I would leave. The fact that my spouse would cheat on me is bad enough, but then to lie to me for 18 years. I would be totally disgusted. How could someone keep something that big from you for 18 years. It would just make me wonder what else she had been lying to me about.
Bail. Think about it. The very heart of married life is the vow to only be with your spouse. ONLY. To the exclusion of all others. That is the point! If someone breaks that then what is the point in maintaining some ruse of complete trust and devotion. Ain't happenin'... Doesn't mean you have to hate them for it. I'm male.
I'm a single male. Tough question....I sincerely believe in the "death do us part" part of the wedding vows, so I would be hard-pressed for getting a divorce. HOWEVER, I would leave because every relationship has to have some kind of trust to it. To me, a marriage has the highest level of trust imaginable. In your hypothetical case, that trust has been shattered and it is made worse by being hidden (probably terrible grammar there) for all these years. So, I would walk.
I'm male and I'd stay. In contrast to what someone else said, I think I could live more with it being just a sex thing than a relationship thing. I think the emotional trust in a relationship is the most important thing, and to think that my wife developed a relationship with somebody and then went ahead and had an affair with them would be a much bigger blow than say, she got drunk and had sex in a bar one night. As far as the number of years between the incident and you finding out, I think it would only increase the intensity of the fight. In the end, I guess I could forgive one time. The second time would be the end though. Man, it would just destroy me if that happened though - I think my sanity would be questionable. On the other side, my wife has expressed a clear policy: one and done.
Tough question. I would try to make it work although I am not sure I could ever trust her again. She messed around AND lied for all those years. If she messed around last weekend and just told me then I would walk. Screwed up reasoning but the time seems to distance the act somewhat
Time *does* seem to distance it somewhat I would probably try to stay but i would probably forgive her but u know. . . I would be so hurt and sad that it would probably make her feel guilty [I'm not good AT ALL at hiding my feelings] To an extent i may go out of my way to make her feel like ****. and of course. . . .after that the temptation to cheat my self. .. just to get even would be strong Rocket River
This is a tough subject. Fifteen years ago I found out that my ex-wife had been cheating with a "friend" of ours. At the time we had 2 children ages 2 and 4. When I confronted her, I found out it had been going on for 6 months. Things were pretty rough. In her great sensitivity, two weeks later she wanted to go out of town to see The Rolling Stones with this friend. I told her "NO." She told me not to tell her who her friends were. I countered with a clever remark about having total say over who her lovers would be. I told her if she went, she would find her clothes and belongings on the front porch when she got home. She didn't go to the concert but was she ever pissed. Why? Don't ask me! I just call it self-centeredness. Two years later we separated and were later divorced. On the other hand I had a friend whose wife treated him badly. He was a great guy and she was always wanting to change him. She never appreciated him for the man he was. They were married for 15 years. He called me to tell me that they had separated. We met for lunch and he told me that he had been having an affair for about a year and a half. My response: I can understand. No children were involved. Divorce ensued and my friend and his "fling" are now married with a child.
Male 18 years?? Thats a thing of the past. If you've made it 20 years, then obviously that problem has been solved. (This is of course, assuming its been once or for a short period of time) As said above, its rarely a one sided fault. Granted I would be very disappointed, but if it was a strong relationship, no way I could that away. Also, if i made the mistake of cheating on my wife just once and I really loved her, I would not tell her. Jeff, isn't the odds the other way around? I thought men was 40% and women was 60%?
I feel much the same as GS. I'm getting married this summer and it's not for sexual reasons. I'm getting married to cement an emotional bond and relationship. Frankly I would be more uncomfortable about my wife becoming very close to a male friend and entering into another emotional-type relationship then I would about her having a fling just for fun. Not that I endorse that but I would feel that to be less a threat and invasion into our bond than if she had an emotional commitment to another man.
I think I would have to seriously think about leaving. I mean I doubt it was just one time. Or I would go to Amsterdam and get even. DaDakota
Look at it this way. If you want to stay...if you are truly happy with your marriage, you will stay. If you are looking for an excuse to get out, this would be it. Yes there is the issue of trust, but I think this becomes more an issue of pride.
Not that I disagree with you, but I don't see how relationship problems help justify cheating (which at the heart of it is what you're trying to say). To me it's the same as trying to argue that a parent figure who worked to hard and didn't spend enought time with their kid growing up is just as responsible when the kid goes on a shooting spree years later because of depression. Would you really want to be with someone who didn't respect you enough to bring up the realtionship problem first and try to work things through? If you are too stubborn and she has tried her hardest to make things work and cheating is the last resort, you're in the wrong relationship anyway. As to the thread's question: To me, marriage is about trust, respect, honesty, etc - all of which would be broken regardless of the time the truth about the affair comes out. I would leave. Male.
