I agree with this 100%. I'm in a very similar situation as the op at the age of 23 and I think what you've stated is exactly the reason why. My mother can be quite overbearing and this makes it very difficult to be around her for long periods of time. When I'm back home, I'm still a 12 year old boy who needs constant supervision. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother as I'm sure the op does as well. I've tried to act like an adult but it just doesn't take with her. I'm on a phone right now, so I'll end this here for now, but I definitely have a liot more input on this and I have a predicament involving this situation that I could use some advice on, so I'll post again later.
Maybe it is because of my Mother dying just as I was entering adulthood, but I have always understood that I will be letting my children go one day. I have viewed my job as a parent as preparing my boys to be self sufficient, responsible members of society. It is funny how often you hear women say they want a baby, but you never hear them say they want a teenager. j/k - sorry that last bit was off topic. Each generation seems to be becoming more and more deeply involved in their children's lives. To the extent that they are forgetting to live their own lives. I work at a high school, and it amazes me how many parents solve every single problem their kids have. This creates a cycle of dependency that ends up being destructive. BTW, I am making this up as I go, but it sounds good, so I think I will run with it. I do think it is important to communicate with your parents. Tell them you would like to be treated like an adult. BUT, your actions will speak louder than your words, so be prepared to act in a mature fashion.
I very much agree with this and your previous post. I'm 31 and I have friends that I went to HS with that still have their Mommy and Daddy do everything for them and\or have to discuss EVERY decision with them. I have 2 kids, 11 and 8 years old, and I know a lot of other parents through school, friends, and extracurricular activities. I can't stand the way the vast majority of people parent kids today. It's like they have to coddle them through every aspect of their life. And God forbid these kids have any sort of adverse situations thta they have to deal with. My ex wife put my daughter into this soccer league called Fun, Fair, Positive Sports. In this league you have to cheer for both teams that are playing. You can't say anything to your kids during the game except how great they are yet the "coaches" do not teach any freaking soccer. They do not teach any team building or rules or playing with these rules. It's like one big circle jerk for the kids. I hate it. What's the point in playing a sport if you do not learn the rules or how to play as a team. I thought you were supposed to be learning life lessons not how to teach your kids that no matter how ****ty they do, they did great. [/rant]
Something about "circle jerk" and "kids" being used in the same sentence that just doesn't seem right.
You describe her situation. Her husband is gone most of the time. Her mother has advanced Alzheimer's. Your mother is lonely. When you come to visit, she has a rare opportunity to spend time and converse with somebody. Yes, it's a drag to have her hound you. OOTH, you should probably consider what her existence is like.
Sounds like my mom for the most part, except I'm 19 and I live at home when I'm not living on campus at UVA. I'm kinda used to it now.
From what little you've (the OP) have told us about this situation I would agree with Lynus. It sounds like your mother is feeling very lonely and part of the reason she wants to inject herself in your life is that you are the one person she feels can still reach out to. The biggest difference between family and friends is that we can choose our friends but are stuck with our family. As her son your mother sees you as almost being a captive audience to have a relationship with outside of her role as a care giver to her mother and what you describe as a distant relationship with her current husband. Given her situation it might be very difficult if not impossible for her to go out with her other friends or find new friends so your being there is possibly the closest thing she feels is friendship. She probably feels somewhat hurt and uncertain that you aren't returning what she perceives as a very loving relationship and that might be why things are rough between you. Without knowing much more about the situation I would agree with most of the other posters that you suck it up and put up with your mom. It sounds like she is hurting and really needs some friendship. One other thing you might want to do is teach her how to use internet and maybe she can find an online community that gives her some sense of friendship which she can follow while still being there to care for her mom. If you still feel really frustrated about the situation with your mother you should probably talk to either a family friend who knows both of you or a professional rather than to a BBS board.
This is exactly what I was thinking. All day long, your Mom is stuck at home with nobody but an Alzheimer's patient. She's lonely. She's stir crazy. When her son finally comes to visit, she's naturally not going to be happy that the short amount of time she has with her son is interrupted by the computer and text messages. Now, it doesn't seem that she communicates that very well, and she doesn't seem to be accepting you as an adult... but I think MOST mothers are like that.
A little off topic yeah, but thats true. I've even told that to my sisters that you're not having a baby, you're having a toddler, teenager and adult. (But thats overly expecting the women to have some rationale behind their decisions, which is definitley for ANOTHER time....) I actually say - While everyone still has their health, TELL HER EXACTLY how you feel. Dont leave out a trace of detail or feeling. While trying to stay as constructive and respectful as you can, but sometimes is just not how you really feel...Even if you have to write a letter or send a text message so its not face to face - ANYTHING that gets the feelings communicated. I emailed my mom a very very bitter, almost nasty message couple years back. I reached my boiling point. And it hurt very bad to do it. Felt really weird I was dictating terms to her like some CEO and she was some lowly entry level new hire...very strange role reversal of sorts... but we're getting along better than ever now. Parents and children are supposed to be able to talk about anything. EVERYONE's feelings should matter, no one should be surpressing their feelings for years.
