I have issues with my mom being crazy too. I just spend very small amounts of time seeing and talking to her and it works out good for me. I don't like to fill my life with crap that I don't feel like dealing with. I don't feel too bad about it either. If she would just be normal, I could treat her normal.
Error if you assumed there will ever be any rationale about it. You being a young adult wont matter, you can be an ederly adult and its gonna be the same way getting the 1 dimensional mom approach. Dont want to play net psychologist, but there might be a chance some stuff in the past is making you hold some things against her. If so,dont wait until she's dead and buried to sort things out. And, I dont know...maybe she's absolutely right about the technology and she isnt being irrational at all.
I don't claim to know about other moms, but I can say that although my mom does similar things as many posters say here, I still love her with all my heart. I know she cares for me deeply, and that she does these things because she thinks they're for my benefit. Sure, it can be annoying, but for then I remember the she's the person who took care of me and raised me until I'm an adult and would never turn me down in times of need. And I would stop being annoyed. Honestly, IMO, if your mom raised you to be an adult in a normal fashion, you owe it to her to just suck it up no matter what she says short of asking you to jump off a bridge.
A generation ago, the older folks derided the younger for their music, the telephone, and the television. Now, the older generation derides the younger for the internet, video games, and cell phones. It is as simple as the elders having trouble adjusting to viable forms of communication and entertainment that the younger are quicker to adopt. Not to mention the fact that your mother is the primary care-taker of her own mother, her husband is not around to help in any significant manner, and her entire life revolves around caring for someone who used to care for her and can no longer care for themselves. She is probably experiencing some level of role-confusion and role-identity issues without even realizing it. On top of all that, her son, for whatever reason, rarely visits and when he does, though she wants to see him, he ignores her (or so she feels via internet and cell phones) and the visit is usually tense and unpleasant. Your mother is undoubtedly stressed out, lonely, and by your account, is willingly taking all of this responsibility on herself. She has no one to talk to or vent to, and the bottom line is that both of you have trouble understanding the other. Sit down with her. Talk to her. Let her say her piece, and then say yours. Let her vent even though she may not be ready to hear you in kind. Keep in mind that your stress levels are very probably insignificant compared to what she is going through. The more you get stressed, the more she gets stressed, and from the sound of it, she wins by a mile or two in the 'who has more stress' game. The only thing I know is that if you two can't communicate, then nothing is going to happen, and communication often begins with one person simply gaining a better understanding of the other..
My mom made some pretty damaging and irreversible mistakes a few years ago that she understands keep me from ever visiting her. However, I still have to call her just to learn some things about her and my dad's early life story; keep tabs on my semi-estranged older brother, and not completely alienate my younger brother. You're a grown man; and you're entitled to not spend your free time in uncomfortable situations (assuming you have your own place and are supporting yourself). But if you visit someone, you should probably try to spend as much time with them as their schedule allows. The texting and not talking to her while she's in the room, staying up late in conflict with her own routine, going online even though she doesn't all make you seem more like a boarder than a guest; and, frankly it might cause her to see you as just another burden. Maybe you could offer to help with chores, rent some movies she might like and watch them with her, or just try to ask her about her day, her life, her life before you, whatever. If you "can't talk to" your host "24 hours a day," maybe you shouldn't visit them. Your best bet is to probably discuss it with her on the drive to the airport, even though I'm not sure what you'd be arguing for. Your "right" to be "left alone" when you visit someone?
It seems that you do not talk to your mother a lot. maybe the lack of communication is the cause of her asking question/ nagging honestly. you shouldn't even joke about choking your own mother. She is the only mother you will ever have in your life. Cherish every bit of communication with her rather than going to a message board and ranting about how you hate your mother. shame. I guess I just respect my mother too much to go on a messageboard and speak bad about my mother like what you did.
There are some interesting and helpful responses in this thread. I'll let everyone know how things go. I know it's hard to fit an entire story/situation into one post on a BBS, but I'm amazed at the amount of people that seem to essentially be saying "it doesn't matter, she's your mother...you should just stop whining." I doubt these posters are as great to their mothers as they seem to imply by their posts. To those who had constructive things to say...I appreciate the thoughts. I guess I am most frustrated because I have never really viewed coming home to visit your mom as being a "guest" or a "visitor." I'm at the place I spent time growing up. To a large part, it's still home to me. Obviously I acknowledge that things need to change and improve or I wouldn't have made this post. I would like to talk more with my mom, but it seems like she has yet to be able to get over her divorce with my father. Moreover, she has not been able to get over my living with my father after the divorce. Before everyone chimes in with the "she's your mother, of course she'll never get over that, she had a basic instinct ripped away from her..." I KNOW. There have been times when we've been very close, but it's like she still wants more than possible to make up for the past. This ends up making me push her away even further. For example, one big area of frustration for me has been her constant desire to basically throw a party for me. It's turned into the most bizarre situation. Her husband runs a music business where he does deejaying for things like school dances, weddings, and private parties. For at least seven or eight years she has attempted to get me to allow her to throw a party or something where they can play some music. I've rejected this idea several times. Mainly because I don't like to dance, do the YMCA, the boot scootin boogie, or the macarena. I can probably count the number of times I've been out to dance on one hand and still have a few fingers left over to shove up my ass. In high school, my mother became obsessed with the idea of deejaying my high school prom. I told her that I wasn't comfortable with the idea. She went behind my back and went to the school administrators in an attempt to get them to play the music at my prom. Luckily my father was the principal of my high school and found out (and said no way). She has never mentioned that she did this. I've never mentioned to her that I knew what she did. To this very day she will still randomly bring this up in a guilt trip situation. Last summer my mom and I went out to dinner with an old friend of mine and his mother. I swear to god, five years after I'd graduated from high school, she brought this up over dinner and piled on to me for a good 20 minutes with the other guy's mom. Most recently...my best friend and his girlfriend (who is also a close friend of mine) got married last summer. I thought "perfect," this would be my mom's chance to do some type of musical event involving me...they can do their reception. Well, without me ever knowing, she turns into the central wedding planner, inserting herself into every aspect of the wedding without ever asking me how I felt about it. According to my friends, this was not something they asked her to do...but merely she kept volunteering and they would just go along with it. Additionally, these two friends have told me that she's called them in the past trying to get them to tell her details of my personal life. My mom is one of the most giving people I know. She's great. Which makes it almost impossible to make a stink in these situations where she's forcefully interjected herself into my adult life. As a result, I just find myself wanting to further distance myself from my mother in order to not argue or come off as a jerk in these situations. I've ignored the problem just to avoid confrontation but it's to the point that I'm so frustrated with the situation perhaps I do try to avoid her just so I won't have to argue about all this stuff I've kept inside.
holy *****, your mom is a DJ? And she wanted to DJ your prom? I think that is the coolest thing ever. I don't know what you are complaining about, son. I wasn't even allowed to listen to a Red Hot Chili Peppers album until I was 16 years old.
no. her husband is a deejay. my mom doesn't even know how to operate a CD player (not a joke). the one musical artist that I've ever heard her mention enjoying is barbara streisand.
Okay, here comes the low blow: my mom died a couple of years ago and I wish I could visit her again and put up with all that silliness. Think of it as a gift to her; it shouldn't be hard-- sounds like you rarely visit. Just insert yourself into her life and be the houseguest she wants you to be. It won't be so hard. It's probably harder to keep on resisting her than it would be to just go along with her. Focus on her not yourself. Think of it as a game and have fun with it. Think of it as a present; there is none you could give that would be more appreciated.
There is alot of love in that post son Your Mom wants to be a part of you life IMO she seems to feel rejected on a large scale [honestly the husband getting custody in a divorce is not the norm] and she is trying to find an in but she is going to be who she is The wedding situation . . .that is on your friends they needed to man up and tell her what THEY Wanted You feel responsible for her actions but you not she is who she is .. . . At the end of the day . . . it is about perception What's the difference between being nosey and being concerned? PERCEPTION! Rocket River
Don't visit anymore? That is a little harsh don't you think? At the end of the day, she is still your mommy. Considering all his mom is going through, like others have said, just suck it up. Shes just doing what moms do. Since yall don't see each other much anymore, go along with it. Unlike with basketball talk, I agree with you 100%.
i'm very impressed actually with y'all's comments, well, at least most of them. i can understand your frustration, but def respect your mom's place just like you would a friend's parent's house. esp if it's just a few days, you might as well be on your best behavior and hold your tongue. as others say, just be thankful for what you have. time is something you can never get back so enjoy life's every minute no matter how good or bad...that's just life.
I am the mother of a 19 year old son, and I hope he never feels this way about me. One of the tricks of reaching adulthood is developing an adult/adult relationship with your parents. It seems like this is something that is missing here. At some point, parents have to let go and treat their children like adults and adults have to stop behaving like children around their parents. I really think this is key to developing into a mentally healthy adult. I was abruptly forced by my Mother's death when I was 21 into changing my relationship with my Father. I know people of my age who still have never made this break/change in relationship with their parents. It just doesn't seem very healthy to me. Demonstrate to her you are an adult by behaving in a mature fashion around her. Do things like voluntarily helping her in the kitchen before or after a meal and using that time to talk. Set aside time while visiting to really sit down and talk to her, then excuse yourself to do other activities. Good luck and think real hard about how you act when you are around her.
