I have a delightful 2 1/2 yo daughter who is very strong-willed. Several times a week, she goes off on one of her defiant rants. The only thing that seems to slow her down is a swat on the butt. Last night I gave here 3 on 3 separate occasion because she left her room while she was supposed to be in "time out." I hate doing it. I fear I am mostly doing it out of anger, but it is also more effective than anything else when she is out of control. She is too young to dialogue with-- if you know what I mean. Anyone have any better ideas? I feel really guilty that I've had to resort to this. I swatted my oldest boy only once and my older duaghter NEVER-- wasn't necessary. But with this child, she has a strong will!!!!!!
giddyup, I would never hit my child. THIS IS JUST MY OPINION. I'm not passing judgement on you. My dad used to spank me, but then that turned into beatings. My mom was more laid back, she just threw whatever was in reach at my head. Obviously, reasoning is not going to work here. Maybe try letting her know that certain 'privileges' that she has, ie. tv, playing w/ friends, etc.. are exactly that, privileges. If she behaves in an unacceptable manner, certain privileges will be taken away. I think although that may not work at first, keep at, it will eventually. I don't have kids, so I'm not an expert by any means. But I have a sister 9yrs younger than me, so I'd like to think I have some valid opinions. I have two dogs, sometimes I wonder if the same techniques would work on kids. Good luck man!
giddyup: I feel for ya. It is tough to determine just what to do. I think, first, you have to determine what exactly is worth being upset over. Is what she is doing so bad for you or her that it really demands you reprimand her for it? If she is, see if there is some other priveledge that can be denied her as coma suggested. I think the fact that you see yourself reacting in anger is a warning sign and a really positive thing. It means you are in touch enough with how you feel at the time to realize you may be too angry to respond in a rational and reasonable way. Given the fact that you had to respond in a similar fashion several times in one night, it may be that your daughter doesn't really fear that as a reprimand any longer. I've said it before: I have the utmost respect for parents. It is a VERY tough job. I wish you the best of luck.
The problem is that she is too young to reason with; she doesn't understand privileges or having them taken away. She just really gets out of control-- like nothing I've ever seen. Our experience is that, when like this, she only responds to "intimidation." But, oh that look in her eyes when I swat her butt. I want to go crawl in a hole somewhere.... BUT DAMMIT IT WORKS. I hate that.
giddyup, I don't think anyone is too young to comprehend privileges. Like everything else in life, it's conditioned. You can't expect her to understand right from wrong, privileges and rights without time and patience. Perhaps you can start by taking her to Blockbuster every Friday and have her pick out a couple of movies. Stop on the way and get some ice cream as well. After a few weeks of this, she'll come to expect that Friday is movie day. When she misbehaves, don't threaten her right away. Tell her that her behavior is unacceptable, and show her the correct manner. If she refuses to act in a way you deem correct, then you can take her to Blockbuster, but no ice cream. Or nothing at all.
I'm just curious what you mean by "rants." I had a friend whose step daughter had a similar problem and it became apparent that some issues her parents had (prior to his involvement) were the driving cause of some of her episodes. They were able to work things out with the help of a counselor. If it really is constant, there may be more at work here than just her being strong willed and you trying to stop that. Young children are VERY open and sensitive to emotional distress in the family unit. The first 3 years of a child's life, according to many studies, are when they form their strongest feelings about the world. Maybe you should look into some of that to see if you can get at the root of the issue.
I obviously don't know the specifics of your situation, giddyup, but I just wanted to say that spankings were a form of punishment in my home for years when I was younger, and I never had any problem with it. As in coma's case, if the parent is not responsible, obviously this can get out of hand, but if you understand the reasoning behind it, and aren't doing it to merely cause pain, then I have always felt it was okay. I never resented my parents for doing it to me (nor my brothers), and I plan on using that method of discipline on my kids (when I have them). Of course, if by some miracle of genetic science I have kids that never act up (god willing), then I won't have to worry about that.
giddy: I don't have kids, but I was close to getting hitched with this woman who was divorced with 2 kids, one that was a 3 year old boy and the other was like a 7 to 8 year old girl. Well, I didn't realize at the time, but that woman was looking for anyone to help her raise these kids & you don't know how much stress I wound up putting my parents through (but that is another story). Anyway, she would let this son of hers run wild. That kid absolutely had no fear. He would run out in the middle of the road just playing with fate after she told him not to, another time she told me that he jumped into a swimming pool even though he didn't know how to swim! What would she do to him?? She would swat him on the leg as hard as a 100 year old granny...a blow that would barely even register. Did this make her son be afraid of her? Why..hell, no, it didn't. That (along with many other reasons) was a big reason for me ending that relationship. It drove me crazy to see this kid disobey and defy her & her just blowing it off or "swatting" him with force that couldn't even break an egg. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating that you just go ballistic and berzerk and beat the crap out of your daughter, but you do have to instill some fear in her, IMO. You got to make it known to her that if she does something wrong, that there is going to be a punishment to be expected and it won't be a pleasant one. I just know that boy of that woman I'm no longer seeing (BTW - she got married about 5 months later ) is going to grow up with all kinds of disciplinary problems and probably be in trouble with the law, but I hope I'm wrong. The best thing to happen to that kid is for him to have the crap beat out of him one time. I know that sounds awful, but he has got to know and understand that there exists dire consequences when he deliberately disobeys an order...because a little swat is not cutting it...not even close. The problem for you, giddy, is you're a divorced parent, right? Subconsciously, you feel guilty that your children are having to grow up without a stable family atmosphere, i.e. mother and father, so you are overcompensating because of it. One way of overcompensation is to let the kids have whatever they want, another is "lax" discipline. I feel for you because I know you love your kids, but you must lay down the law. One of these days, your kids will thank you for it.
Giddyup, Sounds like you are a good parent. You know better then anyone else here what is needed, and sometimes a swat on the butt in necessary. DaDakota
I don't know any 2 1/2 year olds who can comprehend what's going on when they get something taken away from them. I understand your concerns about spanking in anger, but that does not mean that physical punishment is wrong. Abuses of some thing don't argue that the thing itself is wrong. The old saying, "This going to hurt me more than it hurts you" is true, is it not? From what you've said, that's what is happening. It hurts you to spank your child. That's how it ought to be. When it doesn't, a person needs to take a long look at themself. But if you're looking out for the child's best interest, some children (though not all, I'm convinced) need a little "attention getter" from time to time. Not all physical punishment is abuse. If you exercise the same self-control you're trying to teach the child to exercise, it can be done properly. In that case, you're not trying to hurt the child physically so much as you're trying to win a battle of the will. Best of luck to you.
I can sympathize. I have 3 year old boy/girl twins who dare me to spank them. Most times I have spanked them, its when I am trying to prevent them causing themselves harm (ie. running into traffic, pulling a chair up to the medicine cabinet, putting a key in the wall socket). They get over it quick and most times the threat of a spanking is very effective. Most people (warning - blanket generalization) who do not condone spankings (I was one once) are people who have not raised children. I love my kids very much but I will be the bad guy for their benefit. All I can say is this: (1. Pick your battles, let the punishment fit the crime and (2. Make an impression, its okay to show them you are angry with their behavior. If they are fearful of you spanking them then you are less likely to have to resort to it. Their are other ways to punish your children. You will need them all at your disposal. You will find what is most effective for your family/situation. With my boy "no television" is the ultimate threat.
Thanks for your responses. I've been away all day and evening. I'll try to get back tomorrow on this. I think my anger is about having to spank her. This is one of those tough moments about being a parent. They look in her eyes is one of disbelief that I would whack her bottom but I fear I must to prevent even worse behavior or the imprint of this bad behavior from being comfortable to her. I'll try and explain more and better another time. Too tired now. Been at a retirement party all afternoon and evening. Look for a new thread about that... BTW, Manny, these two kids are 2 1/2 YO and 6 MO borne of my second (and final) marriage of 5 years-plus.
ahhh the terrible 2's ....Children at this age are trying to stretch the bounds and see what they can get away with. Don't feel guilty as long as you are not doing it out of anger. I have two daughters.The only time I ever spanked one of them was around that age, usually when I'd catch them doing something that would hurt them...like sticking things into the wall sockets I'm really against spanking as a way to punish kids, but at that age it may sometimes be necessary to give a swat on the backside.You know your child best,so only you know if it is necessary..but if it's just a light swat on the backside to get her attention,I don't think you should have any guilty feelings,but I understand that, your daughter probably gets over it alot quicker than you do.
I got my spankings when i deserved them...and i am a better man because of it....as long as your not beating the sh*t out of your kid....or spanking for no reason...then i think its what needs to be done...I am not saying parents that don't spank their kids will have bad kids...I'm just saying every situation is different and in my case, i am glad i got mine when i deserved it...i learn from my mistakes....
I beleive in the continuum Spanking more when they are young and cannot truly be dialogued with enough until a point when it is mostyly dialogue and little spanking at age 1. . . .it is more important they don't stick the fork in the socket. .. .than explaining it to them why JUST DON'T DO IT *wack* but at 14 don't smoke because blah blah blah is more effective than *wack* Rocket River
