I just ran across this one, and it made me spit out my Pepsi. I figured we can use another jokes thread, so here's my first entry. Zachary Disease A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor/sex therapist named Dr. Chang. When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crowes and you craw real fass away from me across the froor." She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you craw real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem." The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ZACHARY rike your ass!"
You Must Be Single A young man went shopping. He bought a small can of corn, a small can of tuna, a small jar of mayo, a small lemon and a very small box of teabags. When he came to the counter the girl at the cashregister smiled at him and said; "Dearest, You must be single." "Why, do You mean because I buy so little food?" "No, because You´re so g*ddamn ugly..."
THE INEXPERIENCED MAN A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69. "What do you mean?" he asked. Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs." Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart. "What the hell was that?!?" he asked. "Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again," she said. On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man immediately got up and started getting dressed. "Where are you going?" she asked. To which he replied, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"
I went to FunnyNames.com and they have listed a ton of hilarious names, that are actually real. Here are some of them. If you are immature like me you'll find these names hilarious. : Dick Hertz Dick Lotion Dick Trickle (Nascar Driver) Dick Wood Dick Stillhard Dick Fitzwell Felia Balls Harry Dickman Harry Balls Harry Kuntz Harry Cox Harry Balzonia Harry Pitts Harry Butts Harry P. Ness Harry Zach O'Balls I.P. Freely I.P. Daily Igotta Gobad Ima Horr Ivana Tinkle Ivana Humpalot Madame Dick Hertz Marry Juana Mr. Baiter Richard (Dick) Head Willie B. Hardigan
... and the worst sports name of all time: Dick Shiner, QB, Atlanta Falcons and Furman University (I think).
With apologies to fadaway … (the best Newfie jokes are told by Newfoundlanders, but I'm sure some of you get sick of them. ) Newfoundland Computer Lingo 1.Log on: Make the wood stove hotter 2.Log off: Don't add no more wood 3.Monitor: Keep an eye on that wood stove 4.Download: Getting the firewood off the truck 5.Floppy Disk: What you get from trying to carry to much firewood 6.Ram: The thing that splits the firewood 7.Hard Drive: Getting home in the winter 8.Prompt: "Throw another log on the fire" 9.Window: What to shut when it's cold outside 10.Screen: What to shut in fly season 11.Byte: What flies do 12.Bit: What the flies did 13:Mega Byte: What BIG flies do 14.Chip: Munchies when monitoring 15.Micro Chip: What's left after you eat the chips 16.Modem: What you did to the hay fields 17.Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrixs' wife 18.Lap top: Where kitty sleeps 19.Software: The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at the Big R 20.Hardware: Real stainless steel cutlery 21.Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn 22.Main Frame: What holds up the barn 23.Enter: City talk for "Come on in, b'y" 24.Web: The things spiders makes 25.Web Site: The barn or attic 26.Cursor: Someone who swears a lot 27.Search Engine: What you do when the car dies 28.Screen Saver: A repair kit for the torn window screen 29.Home Page: A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost when picking burries 30.Upgrade: Driving up Barters' Hill 31.Server: The Mrs. at Donovan's who brings the jigs' dinner 32.Mail Server: The guy at Big R with grade 8 who brings fish 33.MS-DOS: Some new disease they discovered 34.Sound Card: One of them technological birthday cards that plays music 35*User: Buddy down your street who keeps coming over borrowing stuff 36.Browser: What they call you when your eyebrows grow together 37.Network: When you have to repair your fishin net 38.Internet: Where the fish get caught 39.Netscape: When a fish gets away 40.On-line: When you gets the laundry on the washline 41.Off-line: When the clothespins let go and the laundry falls on the ground
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender brings it to him, and the neutron asks, "How much for the beer?" The bartender answers, "For you? No charge."
Donation Clinic A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation centre. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation centre. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
Posted it before, but I'll post it again.... What do Enron and a condom have in common? After one Lay, neither is worth a thing anymore!
The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".
Saul and Abel are walking together as they pass a church. A sign outside the church says they will pay $500 to anyone who comes in to talk with them. Abel says to Saul, "Five hundred dollars to talk? I wonder what that could be about. I think I'll go and find out what they could want to say." Abel goes in while Saul waits for him outside. A good deal of time passes. Finally, after 45 minutes Abel finally comes out again. Saul, now overwhelmed with curiosity, asks his friend, "Well what was that all about? What did they have to say? Did you get the five hundred dollars?" Abel responds, "Money? That's all you people ever think about!"
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Okay, maybe I'm just really dumb right now but I don't get JV's joke at all. Can anyone explain it to me?
Oldies but goodies.....some funny newspaper headlines... Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Include Your Children when Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy New STudy of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Island Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfiled Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds up New Bridges Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundereds Dead Man Struck By Lightning Faces Batter Charge Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
It's the first day of school in Houston and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad is an auditor for Arthur Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so." * One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother and announced that she had learned how you get a baby. The mother was amused and said, "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl then explained, "Well, the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's wiener stands way up high, and the mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy's mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's how you get a baby." The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get a baby. That's how you get jewellery." * And now for something completely different (Classified ads…actually taken from classified ads in newspapers): FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. ---------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG ----------------------------- FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN...PART STUPID DOG ----------------------------- GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. ------------------------------------- FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE. BETTER BE REWARD. ---------------------------------- 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer ---------------------------- SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. ------------------------------- COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. ----------------------------------- FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. ----------------------------------- NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY ------------------------------------- HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" ---------------------------------------- GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. ------------------------------------------ NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE ------------------------------------------- TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR. ------------------------------------------- EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175. ------------------------------------------- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. ------------------------------------------ ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER ------------------------------------------- OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON..... FREE COFFEE & DONUTS --------------------------------------- (AND THE BEST ONE) FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
I found those pretty funny. I'll also add one. I worked at a bank for 4 years and Me and the guy I worked with were always looking for good names. One of out favorites. Harry Kronk. Also I now work at a school and we had a senior a couple of years ago named Richard Head. CK
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all the folks in a bar after announcing that his wife has just produced a "typical" Texas baby boy weighing 25 lbs. Congratulations are showed upon him from all around, and exclamations of "WOW" fill the air. A woman faints nearby from sympathy pains. Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender asks, "Say, aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 lbs. at birth? "Yep, that's me," replied the Texan. "Well, how much does he weigh now?", asks the bartender. 17 lbs. was the proud father's reply. "17 lbs?" says the puzzled bartender. "What happened? He weighed 25 lbs. at birth". The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his mouth on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender, and with his Texas accented deep voice say, "Had him circumcised."
