[Press Release] NBA Star to get remarried for 13th time

RocksMillenium · Jul 5, 2008

Rocket River said:

Didn't he almost die choking cause his wife would not let a female Dr help him?

Rocket River
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http://weendizzle.blogspot.com/2008/06/christies-are-frickin-nuts.html

SACRAMENTO--Jackie Christie, wife of NBA star Doug Christie, refused to let a female doctor save her husband's life Saturday when he nearly choked to death during a dinner at the Pilothouse Restaurant in Sacramento . Christie frantically screamed for a doctor after her husband began gagging on a chicken bone, but when Clarissa Jordan, a 41-year-old female doctor, rushed to his aid, Christie grew agitated. She reportedly told Jordan t o 'back off' even as Doug's face turned purple and his breath came out in short, labored gasps. Bystanders watched in horror as Jackie Christie calmly waited for a male patron to save her husband's life.

Luckily, Sanjay Mehta, a local medical student who was sitting at the bar in an adjacent room, was able to apply the Heimlich maneuver just in time to avert a tragedy. The chicken bone came up, and Jackie defended her decision not to let a female doctor save her husband. 'Miss Clarissa Jordan, or whatever her name is, came running over like a poodle in heat,' said Christie. 'I could tell she was lusting after my husband, which is why I wouldn't let her near him. Sure, she's a doctor, but that's a great way to get her little tongue down my husband's throat. Believe me, I'm no fool. Plus, my husband would never want a female doctor saving his life. He'd feel too guilty having another woman lay her hands on him. He'd rather die. I'm sure of it.'

Bystanders reported that Christie was not satisfied to simply wave Jordan away. Instead, she began beating the woman with her purse until the horrified doctor fled in terror. Christie said those claims were exaggerated, but did admit to 'getting physical with her.' 'I wouldn't say I beat her that hard. I just was trying to deter her from her ultimate goal of having sex with my dying husband,' said Christie. 'Yes, I hit her a couple time with my purse, but I had to. The woman was relentless! She kept saying 'He's going to die! He's going to die!' And I was like 'Whatever, b****. Keep your hands to yourself.''

After Jordan fled the scene, another female attempted to call 9-1-1, but she, too, was thwarted by Jackie Christie. The women, 29-year-old waitress Cheryl Malcolm, insisted that she was just trying to help. 'After that woman [Jordan] got beat up, I realized Doug was still choking,' she said. 'So I ran over, grabbed my cell phone and started dialing 9-1-1. Then [Christie] slapped the phone out of my hand and told me to mind my business and stop looking at her husband like that. I had no idea what she was talking about. I would never look at that guy in a sexual way. Gross.'

After Malcolm was turned away, it looked like the end for Doug Christie. The Kings forward lay in a heap on the floor, his face bulging and red, his fists clenched, and his throat clogged with a large chicken bone, while Jackie sat with her arms folded and waited. I don't know the Heimlich maneuver or anything like that, so I didn't want to try anything that would hurt my baby,' said Christie. 'I was getting a little nervous, especially when his eyes started bulging out of his head, but I knew if I waited long enough, some guy would come along and save him. If not, Doug would have been killed. But it's Ok. I made him promise to come back and haunt me after he dies.'

Dr. Mehta was summoned into the room by a frantic patron who witnessed the choking. After he administered the Heimlich to Christie, he noted that if another moment had passed, Doug would've surely perished. 'I am extremely surprised that this man's wife did now allow Miss Jordan to save his life,' said Mehta. 'If another minute had gone by, he would surely be dead. In my country, this mad woman woul d have her hands cut off and her vagina sewn shut.' After being revived, Doug hugged his wife and breathed a sigh of relief. He thanked Dr. Mehta for saving his life, and recalled the final moments before he was rescued. 'Whew, that was a close call,' said Christie, wiping the sweat off his brow. 'I actually saw scenes from my life flashing by. The funny thing was that my wife was in all of the scenes, even the ones from my childhood before I met her. She was just there in the background with her arms folded, shaking her head disapprovingly. Huh. I bet a shrink would have a field day with that one, huh? A male shrink, of course.'

After thanking Dr.. Mehta, Christie also offered some words of gratitude to his wife. 'Although I am glad to be alive, I'm equally glad that my wife spared me the indignity of having anot her woman give me th e Heimlich,' he continued. 'That would've been catastrophic. Even if I had lived, what kind of life what that have been, knowing that I looked at, and briefly touched, another woman? I guess it would be kind of a normal life, actually. Anyway, that's the last time I ever eat chicken.' In order to avoid future incidents like the one that took place at the Pilothouse, the Christies have decided never to eat in a public place again.

'There's a lot of danger to eating in public,' said Doug. 'The outside world is fraught with peril. You never know, you could be sitting there eating, minding your business, and a chicken bone could get lodged in your throat causing you to need assistance from a female doctor or paramedic. Don't laugh. It happened to us, and it could happen to you.'
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I'm guessing that is a parody article because if that is legit that would be insane!

saleem · Jul 5, 2008

I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if Jackie Christie would do such a thing.It's a parody but close to the truth.

StaticC4 · Jul 5, 2008

First thing that popped into my mind is when was Doug still a star? maybe in 2004 and before and wtf why doesn't Doug just go get some other woman he IS an nba player sort of.

Rocket River · Jul 5, 2008

Carl Herrera said:

By the way, this is their daugther:

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Please Stop . . .

Rocket River

Vengeance · Jul 6, 2008

I hope that one day I love a woman as much as Doug loves his wife. I mean, that b!tch is crazy, and he's so whipped, but hey, they clearly love each other.

HAYJON02 · Jul 6, 2008

How much does this crap cost? Go on a lavish vacation! Donate what it would cost to charity! Anything else! It's all symbolic anyway isn't it? Marriage protecting magic doesn't happen when the magic priest says yadda yadda either the first time or every time. Chick has issues and I agree with everything said before me. Get balls.

arno_ed · Jul 6, 2008

Rocket River said:

Please Stop . . .

Rocket River
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I agree. I really hope that will never be shown in Holland. She can't sing and can't dance.

Rashmon · Jul 6, 2008

Vengeance said:

I hope that one day I never fear a woman as much as Doug fears his wife. I mean, that b!tch is crazy.
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Fixed it for you.

Dave_78 · Jul 6, 2008

There is nothing wrong with the way Jackie and Doug behave. It's actually a breath of fresh air.

Sincerely,
Brenda Warner

poprocks · Jul 6, 2008

They are both crazy

Drexlerfan22 · Jul 6, 2008

Pity that this is what he's known for now. He was one of the best lock-down defenders I've seen in the last decade.

peleincubus · Jul 6, 2008

to each there own. your F ing crazy if you think i would deal with that woman though.

BMoney · Jul 7, 2008

So, a journeyman basketball player who has been out of the league for a few years is going to have another marriage ceremony to his crazy wife? It's not like there's a shortage of freaks to cover. They need to go away and stay away.

ubigred · Jul 7, 2008

i like the love they have for each other. It needs to stop with the weirdness.

csux · Jul 7, 2008

damn, I mean by reading the thread title, I would have never thought this would be related to Doug Christie in a million years. Star?

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[Press Release] NBA Star to get remarried for 13th time

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