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How to get more alone time without upsetting the GF...?

Discussion in 'BBS Hangout' started by ClutchCityReturns, Apr 7, 2008.

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  1. ClutchCityReturns

    ClutchCityReturns Member

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    I've been seeing my girlfriend for a while now, and we each have our own place. I'm the nice guy who has spent most of my life single because I'm both shy and picky...a terrible combination for big results in the dating scene. My longest relationship before this one was about 1 year. She, on the other hand, is fairly recently divorced and had been with her ex for quite a few years.

    Because of our backgrounds, she is very used to always being around her significant other and I am not. Where as I cherish my alone time, she tends to quickly become bored and lonely when it comes to hers.

    Now I DO enjoy her company, as much as anyone else I know (including best friends), but I have a threshold for how long I can be around one single person without some "me" time. It's as if she expects any span of free time I may have to be spent with her. She denies that is the case and tells me that I can always decline her offers to come see her if I don't feel like it and she won't get upset, but I know she doesn't really mean that. She's a girl...all they do is get upset.

    Here's an example of what I'm trying to convey...

    Saturday night I was eating a late dinner with my family at T.G.I. Fridays when I got a text from her asking if I was going home (my apartment) after dinner, or if I was staying at my parents. She undoubtedly was going to ask to stay the night. I told her I was going to my apartment, but it wouldn't be until later and that I was tired. In order to appease her, I promised that I would go lay by the pool with her the next day around noon. I knew that this pretty much locked me in for a full Sunday with her attached to my hip, but if I hadn't done it she would have been upset (whether she said so or not). As it turns out, she was at my apartment until 1am on Sunday.

    The worst part is that I made a comment about both of us having to work in the morning and she pulled out the "you just want to get rid of me" line, which was said playfully but still had meaning behind it. I wanted to say "Hell yeah I do. I've been around you for 13 hours straight and I just want to go to sleep because I'm f***ing exhausted."

    Anybody got some helpful advice?
     
    #1 ClutchCityReturns, Apr 7, 2008
  2. Lil Pun

    Lil Pun Member

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    Just be honest.
     
    #2 Lil Pun, Apr 7, 2008
  3. ClutchCityReturns

    ClutchCityReturns Member

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    I did that a while back and it ended in tears and her sobbing "I just want someone who wants me."
     
    #3 ClutchCityReturns, Apr 7, 2008
  4. pirc1

    pirc1 Member

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    Trust me, it is not possible! Just live with that fact! :D
     
    #4 pirc1, Apr 7, 2008
  5. TexasFight

    TexasFight Member

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    I've had this problem in my current relationship as well...

    i tell the truth...

    i have communciated over and over again how much i value my "alone time" and that i don't want to spend every night with her... so she'll call me after work and ask "can i come over tonight" and i'll tell her "yes" or "not tonight, i want to be alone."

    she understands and deals with it... though she tells me it saddens her when i say "not tonight" - but hey - i need it for my own sanity. i can't spend every night with the same person - i'm not wired that way... i like privacy and alone time.

    communication is key...
     
    #5 TexasFight, Apr 7, 2008
  6. pirc1

    pirc1 Member

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    You are a lucky man! :eek:
     
    #6 pirc1, Apr 7, 2008
  7. TexasFight

    TexasFight Member

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    if she can't respect your wishes - she may not be the one for you...

    if my gf had said this, i would have said "look this is who i am. i need alone time to myself. if you can't respect that, then we're not meant to be together."

    it's not done to sound cold or harsh, just to be open and honest. you're both adults and owe that much to yourselves and each other.
     
    #7 TexasFight, Apr 7, 2008
  8. TexasFight

    TexasFight Member

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    i am. i have broken up with many girls in the past b/c they couldn't respect my desire for alone time. this one, so far, has... but once she stops - it'll be time to end it.
     
    #8 TexasFight, Apr 7, 2008
  9. Prometheus

    Prometheus Member

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    She doesn't hold you on a leash.

    This is a lie. You can't stand her and wont admit it. She calls you all the time because she wants attention and doesn't think she has enough. This isn't something you can fix by giving her exactly what she wants. You're throwing gas into the fire.

    The best thing to do is talk to her about it openly and let her know how you feel. You just need to put your foot down and DO IT.

    If that doesn't work, then it's time to break up.
     
    #9 Prometheus, Apr 7, 2008
  10. pirc1

    pirc1 Member

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    Do you plan to get married someday?
     
    #10 pirc1, Apr 7, 2008
  11. ClutchCityReturns

    ClutchCityReturns Member

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    Yeah...I'm all about the honest approach, but I hate to see her upset. As I said, she's recently divorced so this is a rough time for her emotionally. I'll probably just have to bite the bullet and next time I get a good opportunity to express how I feel about my alone time, I'll just have to stand my ground.

    As you said, if she can't respect my need for alone time, she's probaby not going to cut it in the long run. Sucks, but it's true.
     
    #11 ClutchCityReturns, Apr 7, 2008
  12. Surfguy

    Surfguy Member

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    Break it off. She's too clingy. She needs a clinger. You are not it.

    If you are sick of it now, then think down the road.

    How is it going to get any better? She may want to attach you to her hip (I know a good surgeon if this is the case).
     
    #12 Surfguy, Apr 7, 2008
  13. Prometheus

    Prometheus Member

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    She has serious emotional **** to deal with, and unless you want to deal with all that baggage for the rest of your relationship, it's probably best to move on.

    I think it'd be good to take time to define for her what you expect out of the relationship. It seems like you're more suited for a casual **** buddy type deal as opposed to a long-term relationship. This is given how you've described yourself.
     
    #13 Prometheus, Apr 7, 2008
  14. TexasFight

    TexasFight Member

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    Not at all. in fact i have made it clear over and over again that i don't want to get married or have children. when we hit our 1 year anniversary a few weeks back i made it clear again that there is no marriage in our future. that's not what i want with anyone.

    she says she appreciates my honesty and is not currently interested in getting married.

    i told her that if she ever feels that she wants to get married, she needs to let me know immediately and we'll access the situation. if i'm still not interested in marriage at that time, then we'll have to break up. if i am, then we'll talk about pursuing that avenue.

    she says she completely understands. this is the first woman in my 30 years to react this way when i speak my mind... it blows me away...usually they tear up and cry and throw things and yell and leave.
     
    #14 TexasFight, Apr 7, 2008
  15. pchan

    pchan Member

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    You can't have your cake and eat it too... without twisting reality in some ways.
     
    #15 pchan, Apr 7, 2008
  16. Prometheus

    Prometheus Member

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    Quoted for truth.
     
    #16 Prometheus, Apr 7, 2008
  17. TexasFight

    TexasFight Member

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    Trust me, i understand about not wanting to make her upset. i went through several relationships where i kept quiet b/c i didn't want to upset my gf at the time... finally i would just lose it and go ape**** on the girl b/c they wouldn't let me be alone for a while. but of course i never told them about my desires beforehand b/c i didn't want to upset them - so to the girl it seemed to come out of nowhere. over the years i learned that i had to be upfront from the beginning...

    i'm replying a LOT to this thread b/c this topic hits very much close to home for me... i've been in your shoes countless times over the years...
     
    #17 TexasFight, Apr 7, 2008
  18. no_answer

    no_answer Member

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    There are two types of girls...

    1. the kind that always has to be with you, because if you're not with her... she thinks you could be with someone else!

    2. lets you go out with friends, have your alone time, because you too drive her crazy sometimes.

    I don't think you can change a girl, she's either one or the other.
     
    #18 no_answer, Apr 7, 2008
  19. MR. MEOWGI

    MR. MEOWGI Contributing Member

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    Fart more.
     
    #19 MR. MEOWGI, Apr 7, 2008
  20. no_answer

    no_answer Member

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    I meant to say you CANT change them, doh. :D
     
    #20 no_answer, Apr 7, 2008
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