I got this one fom a friend of mine earlier today:[rquoter]I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car.. and you know how you can just get so stressed, and life's every day, real existences seems to get extremely funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it, as the driver got out of the car, I recognized that he was a DWARF! He comes storming towards me and as he approaches my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?" ...and that's when the fight started.[/rquoter] Remember to use the Spoiler mutha*f***ing spoiler tags for NSFW and 'tasteless' jokes , people. Hoping this has the same success as the PICTURE and VIDEO threads...
A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He says, "Mom, look - I'm a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father." He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look Dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother." The boy goes into his grandmother's room and say, "Mira, Abuelita, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See, did you learn anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!"
All I have are little kiddie jokes why did the turtle cross the road? Spoiler to get to the shell station a three legged dog walks into a bar and says... Spoiler I'm lookin' fer tha man who shot mah pa(w)!
A man with no arms and no legs was sitting on the beach when three lovely ladies in bikinis approach him. They begin to flirt with him and one of the ladies asks him "Have you ever been hugged?" and the man replies "No". So the lady gives him a hug. The second lady asks "Have you ever been kissed?" and the man replies "No". So the lady gives him a kiss. The third lady asks "Have you ever be ****ed?" and the man replies "No". The third lady then says "Well you are now, the tide is coming in."
A poor immigrant from south of the border was in the tiny little church at the bottom of the hill, praying. 'God, this is Jose, I need your help. My family, we are starving, please send us some food so we do not have to starve.' At about this same time, an young urban executive was about to leave work. He called his wife, and asked if he needed to bring anything home with him. 'Don't forget the cheese, for the party tonight.' she said. So, the young urban executive goes to the grocery store at the top of the hill. And, like most men, he buys more cheese than he really needs. In fact, he buys a whole 'wheel' of cheese, a big round one. Then, as he was leaving the grocery store, he stumbled, dropped the cheese, and watched as it began rolling down the hill, picking up speed. Just then, the poor man is leaving the church at the bottom of the hill. Suddenly, miraculously, a large wheel of cheese rolls to a stop at his feet. He picks it up, looks up to the heavens, and yells, 'Thank you God!' Minutes later, he bursts into his little house, surprising his wife. 'Dear!' he shouts, 'Look what God has sent us!' 'What do you mean, Jose?' 'I prayed to God to send us some food so the children do not have to starve, and He sent us this blessed cheese!' His wife was overjoyed. 'That's wonderful! Let's eat it, right now! Kids, come have some cheese!' But Jose held out his hand to stop her. 'Wait!' he said. 'What is it dear?' 'We have to make nachos out of this cheese.' 'What are you talking about? We're all hungry, let's just eat it.' 'No, no, we must make nachos.' 'What on earth for? That is so silly.' 'No, God was very specific about this. As I was running home with this cheese, I could hear God's voice calling out to me - 'That's nacho cheese! That's nacho cheese!'
Spoiler DISABLED SCHMABLED COMPLYING: One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
2 vampires walks into a vampire bar the bartender asks what the vampires wanted to drink the first vampire asks for a blood mary the bartender nods, then asks what the second vampire wanted to drink the vampire says, just a cup of hot water the first vampire and the bartender looks at the second vampire with a puzzled look the second vampire pulls out a tampon, then says... i'm making tea
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath. "The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my t***. I can splash it in my eyes."
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws: Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first. The shinbone is designed for the special purpose of finding furniture in a dark room. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. When you go to court, you're putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
When I was a kid, they told me "practice makes perfect". Then they told me "nobody's perfect". So I stopped practicing.
A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender, irritated, says, "What'll you have?" The duck says, "Got any pickles?" The bartender spits and says "We don't have pickles here, We serve drinks. Now get out!" The duck hops off the stool and waddles out. The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any pickles?" The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!" The duck hops off the stool and waddles out. The next days the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks: "Got any pickles?" The bartender, infuriated, POUNDS his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. "I told you two times we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!" With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out. The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked: "Got any nails?" The bartender, puzzled, said "No." The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any pickles?"
The day before his 10th birthday, a mother asks her son what he wants as his gift. He replies, "Mom, I want a *****ing bike!" She responds, "Boy, you better quit talking like that or you're gonna get ***** for your birthday..." He says whatever, and goes to bed. The next morning before school, she poses the same question. He responds, "Mom, I thought about it real hard last night and I decided I want a *****ing computer!" She responds, "Boy, I told you if you keep talking like that you're gonna get **** for your birthday." He says whatever, and goes to school. When he goes home from school, he hunts the house for his gift which his mother said would be waiting for him, and the first place he looks is in the garage, expecting to find a bike. What he finds is a box. Confused, he opens the box to find a big pile of ***** in it. He does not know what to think, so he continues his search upstairs, expecting to find a computer. He walks into his room, and on his desk he finds another box, again filled with a big pile of *****. At this moment, his friend from school calls him and says, "Hey man, what did you get for your birthday?" He says "I think I got a *****ing DOG but I can't *****ing find it!"
Q: What happens to an Asian man who runs into a wall and has a full erection? A: He breaks his nose. Q: What's yellow and goes "cheep, cheep"? A: A Chinese prostitute. Q: What do you call a fat Chinese person? A: A Chunk. Q: There's an Asian, a Hispanic, and a Black riding in a car. Who's driving? A: The cop. Q: How do you know if you're Asian? A: When you've got a bucket in your bathroom. Q: What lives in a pod and is a Kung Fu expert? A: Bruce Pea. Q: How do you know when Chinese are moving into your neighborhood? A: When the Mexicans start getting car insurance. Q: Did you hear about the Chinese girl who won the lottery? A: She has one fortunate cookie... Q: What do you call a Filipino contortionist? A: A manila folder. Q: What do you call a Filipino walking a poodle? A: A Gourmet. Q: What's the difference between a pot of lobsters and a group of Japanese tourists who've just been run over by a steamroller? A: There's no difference, they're all crustaceans ("crushed Asians"). Q: What is the title of the newest Vietnamese cookbook? A: 100 Ways to Cook Your Dog. Q: What do you call a Chinese person who's overweight? A: Wei Wan Tan (weigh one ton). Q: What do you call a Chinese male prostitute? A: Gee Goh Low (gigolo). Q: What's the fastest thing on two legs? A: A Cambodian with a luncheon voucher.
