I lost my brother 6 yrs ago and it has dramatically changed my life. Most of what Dr. Strangelove said is really good advice. Its strange how when crap hits the fan its awful but at the same time its a blessing. You really get to see who is there for you. My advice with your girl is just occasionally get her stuff (little things to show that you care for her) and stay off to the side. When she is ready she will tell you what she needs to tell you. If she wants space and she is like i don't know if this is going to work out between us blah blah blah blah. Just let her know that you love her and you will do whatever you can to help her and you will always be there. I know what you are going through, when my bro died I watched my mom cry every night for almost two years and there was really nothing I could do to help her. But I was there for her and we have a stronger relationship then ever because of it. This is not something easy and it will go on for years before things get right but your relationship will become stronger than ever if you are there for her. Two other things. I know people keep talking about help, I went to a therapist after my bro died and my experience is that it is the biggest waste of money (VERY EXPENSIVE) and time. I have found talking to close and good friends is far better. Lastly, make sure you talk about this with good friends. You have to be her punching bag right now which isn't easy. Blowing your steam off on someone is critical to survive. Good luck and be a good bf to her.
Thanks guys. I am finding this pretty difficult now, I haven't seen her for about four days and it seems she is pushing me away. I am not sure what to think... I don't know how to support her if she seemingly does not want me near. Do I accept that maybe she does not want to be with me, or do I try and get through to her and see whether this was sparked by her father passing? We're still a couple, officially, but it's starting to feel like she's out of my life. I'm trying to stay selfless and think about her struggle with her dad passing, but it's hard not to think about our relationship a lot now also. The thing is that I do not know how to help her, she does not even know what she wants. I find it unfair that she thinks that my knowledge of her should equip me to help her... I guess she is expecting too much of me as a boyfriend. She was also wanting to get married, settle down. We were having a lot of arguments because I felt we should wait a while. We were together for 2yrs, broke up due to circumstance (in many ways), and got back together a year after. We have been dating for about 8 months now, she wanted to get engaged early on as she had been chasing me for a while and thus felt that getting back together was enough to "know" considering we had had two years before. I always countered this by saying we needed some stability, sort our issues out, etc. Sad thing is that before Christmas hit I was thinking of proposing within 3 months. I don't know to what extent this is a reason now... one thing she did say was that she loves me, but is frustrated we are not further in our relationship. She is now staying with friends in the south of England, with me in Scotland. Not too far but it's hard not having her in the same place. I get tempted and want to call/text but I think I should give her the space she needs...?
Well man, it ultimately depends on what she truly wants. If you've stayed out of her way, then just make one email/call/letter/etc. to say what you have to say, and leave the ball in her court. Tell her how you feel, where you want to go with her, how her father's death affects you (if it does), etc. Just leave it all out there on the table. Admit that you are lost and have no idea what to do, but that you know you want to go through it with her not just be there for her. That together you guys will help each other. That now you are more determined to take care of her, and that you actually were planning on proposing around 3 months after Christmas. Again, say what you have to say...it could be your last contact with her. Her reluctance to even speak with you, honestly, would worry me. I know you don't want to hear it, but maybe she's jsut using it as an excuse to cut her "losses" since she felt you weren't committed enough to her. Hence me advising you just lay it out there, and see if she wants you in her life or not. Let's be honest, you'll wait, but not forever. It doesn't sound nice, it doesn't sound romantic...it's just the truth.
Try not to be too clingy, but tell here that no matter what happens you will ALWAYS love her and be there for her. Tell her you miss her terribly, the closeness, the togetherness, and most of all the love. Also explain that you understand she needs her space, but that you really feel that you should be there and that as a team and soul mate, you would like to be there for her not just in the good times but the bad as well. Basically what Esss just said...be honest. DD
Good advice. I agree. I have been writing a letter since I wrote that post, and I'm either going to send that or tell her in person what that says (if we meet up). I have been giving her loads of space and have not been clingy. Trust me, this has been hard. I have the urge to call/text her for ANY reason every five minutes, lol. I am sure most of you have been through the same! It's a test, definitely. I think I would push her away otherwise so this is my best shot. We'll see what her wants are soon enough! I agree, I know this might be her wanting to cut her losses now. I pretty much accepted that two days ago and I'm not blind that this might be the end of it. So due to that I've managed to keep my emotions about our supposed love under control. Because of this I am trying to focus on her and her loss and just say that I can be there for her, that we can take this on as a team... Thanks for the advice, it's been good therapy to write things down on the board as well!
Maybe you can try to help her let it out. i think you should just be there and when you don't know what to do, just tell her, shout it out and let her know, if she shouts back, i think she'll feel a bit better, it differs among people though, just try to find ways.
Everyone here has given nothing but good advice to you Ace and sounds like you have generally been doing everything right. Win or lose just know you played it right.
Agreed, the advice has been great, and i think you are doing this right Ace. Hope you will feel better soon. (When you visit the Netherlands again let me know).
Yeah, well... thanks for everything guys. We have exchanged a few text messages... nothing too clear but everything points to her having made up her mind about us. So expect to help me to get over this soon!!!! It's tough, I am definitely not the type of person who can get lost in work/studies etc. I get so restless with that feeling in the pit of my stomach. How do you guys deal with this sort of emotion? How do you keep on trucking?
Get drunk (not sick) and go to a strip club with a couple buds. Go gamble, maybe you'll win some money. After that, go find a new girl. If she's not for you, she's not for you. You'll run into someone else. If one girl can like your ass, someone else is bound to do it again. hahaha Yeah, I'm tellin you all the bad things to do hahah...just stay away from the really bad things bro.
Trimspa? The craziest feeling is how you feel you have been robbed of someone. It's almost like bereavement (of course not quite, but in some way). It's as if another soul is occupying her body or something - you wonder how someone you were/are so close to can suddenly flip the switch like that and seem like a completely different person. I know this must be a common feeling with most break-ups. It's that drastic change that is hard to take. Things are not officially over, but she is back from her friend's over the weekend. We'll see what happens, but it does NOT look good. Today has really been the day that things have been opening up in my mind that this is really it, most likely. When I meet her I won't be the negative wreck I am now, but it really feels terrible. I know as we've broken up before and it hurt like hell. I just need to remind myself that time will heal it, as it to some extent did last time. She's of course still completely devastated about her dad so I will try not to be angry with her or be too selfish, though I can't help thinking that she should have known what she was getting into when we got back together. Then again, maybe I should have also.
Don't worry Ace there's lots more fish to catch.....even bigger n better ones....you'll get to start over with a new slate now
As bad as it is for me to miss her, but I miss my ex greatly. I do not care about all the **** she did, but its whatever. She is only in my dreams now.....I know I will never see her again, and sadly I am dating another girl that I keep accusing of the same **** that she (the ex) did. I need some professional help....my trust has been shot.
how long ago was this? ah man, too bad we can't all get together for a drink! All my friends at the moment are either happily single or a in a relationship!
It is just about this time when you get gobsmacked again......it will happen...patience young padwon ! DD
Funny thing is I am dating this extremely hot girl....who is 32 yrs old (7 yrs older than me) and treats me like a king.......why the hell would I still be thinking about my ex I don't know....... (new girl and I) New Girl God what is wrong with me.....I really do not want to **** this one up, my family loves her, and her family is amazing. She has everything that my ex never had......I guess I have answered my own question
Dude, seems like you are still going through some major pain. What happened in the last relationship if I might ask? How long has it been? Ouch, I was hoping time would heal me! Lol.
We were engaged.....actually we had been together for 3 yrs....then she ended up sleeping with some friend of hers, because of her own insecurities. It didnt help either that I had ballooned to 320 pounds (eating alot due to depression). Well we ended up reconciling things (thought we did) and I ended up losing over 125 lbs (all on my own by the way) and the trust level between us was shot. I never forgave her for cheating, and she accused me of losing weight because I wanted to pick up girls. She didnt see that I was doing it to be healthy. Things got really bad, and we ended up parting about 6 months ago. Well she has since moved on to someone else, but ironically she did try to make my life a living hell in the process (luckily she has stopped now). We were together for roughly 5 years. This new lady has been alot of help to me, but I just cannot seem to break the habbit. I know with time I will, but I am afraid I am going to lose the best catch I have ever had.
