Holden, maybe getting out in nature will help. Chill on the roof and look at the stars. Get out into a open field, with your dog maybe, and just lay in the grass looking up at the sky. Go for a walk or jog in the rain or cold wind. Go to a nearby park and watch the sunset everyday this week. But try not to drink too much alone at home, ok bro.
What'd they do with Seasonal Affecitve Disorder? That used to be SAD. Damn DSM-whatever writing bastards need to realize that it may be a great and catchy little acronym, but you can only use it once!
I hardly ever post, I just read, but I will have to post now. Holden, you do need to seek professional help. I went through years of depression before finaly getting help. Don't listen to these people saying that it's all a scam. My doctor knows I'm a broke student and gives me my medication free of charge. Also, I did have to go to a therapist, but he referred me to one that was VERY affordable and only went a few times. I went through a stage of not caring about living and once I got my treatment, I loved life as I did before. A year ago, I got cocky and thought I didn't need the drugs anymore and sure enough, I lost my girlfriend of three years and quit school and felt like life was just a pain in the ass. I'm now back on my medication and guess what, I'm socialable again and school starts Monday.
<b>Holden</b>: Sorry about the troubles. Your story kind of reminds me of the period of time when I went through a divorce. I am/was a pretty shy guy but I never felt so all alone as when that primary relationship breaks apart-- 14 years of marriage. Too many nights I would cry at night alone in the dark-- missing the kids mostly. I felt like nobody remembered me and nobody cared about me. I was desperate for connections. I thought I would die alone as an old geezer! Four necessary ingredients to get back on track: 1. <b>Appreciation</b> of a fresh start (the flip side of loss) 2. <b>Determination</b> to create a worthy life 3. <b>Exercise</b>to rid your body of stress and to improve health 4. <b>Stimulate your mind</b> Best of luck to you. Let us know how it's going....
1)Exercise-I would say particulalry aerobic exercises, running, cycling, swimming, seem to ALWAYS give me a natural high and unbelievable clarity of the mind. I work out my problems with every pedal stroke and it works. Simply amazing! 2)Stroke your elephant-Hey, I spent new years with a parrot on my shoulder! Pretty pitiful but its simply good to be amongst the living! 3)Fahget about her!-Cmon player! Geezus, women are beautiful, and the good thing about it is, theres an unlimited supply. Kinda like being excited about getting a new apartment, start looking and have fun! 4)BTW, I'm a 35yr old bachelor. Ain;t that pitiful?! Pole was right in saying a light will click one day. I'm alone, but I'm not lonely nor sad. I've got it conquered! Got very few close friends and I like it that way (although I'm an acquantance of tons of people). Life is too damn short, my days aren;t long enough to do everything I want to and my endless projects all half finished! It ain;t all about fitting into the mold. Life is simply a Beautiful thing no matter how you slice it!
1) Be open minded about therapy and drugs and the other ideas on this bbs.. 2) I benefitted from therapy for awhile in the past for similar issues. 3) Treeman is right. Some therapists will keep you going for years, and you have to wonder about their financial motivations. Some friends have become hooked on therapy and it is expensive. If you go, Try short term therapy. 4) If you can, try exercise first. Get some extra sunlight. But his might not be enough. 5) Many "normal", successful people take anti-depressants; It is really a question of side efects versus benefits. If you're not afraid of drinking, why not try some of the anti-depressants? 6) For shyness I recommend "Shyness, A bold New Approach" by Bernardo J. Carducci, PhD. I've been reading it to get some insight as I'm trying to help my 15 year old only child son, who like his parents in their younger years, is having problems with this. It is not simplistic and incorporates a lot of recent research. Approximately 50% oif the population is experiences shyness. It talks about living the "successfully shy" life . 7) One sort of off the wall idea. Try to find a bulletin board to hang out on that unlike clutchcity has a few women on it. They are often better at these things. It could even lead to personal non cyber encounters; petting women is better than elephants for most of us. On my most recent vacation I met a rather shy looking couple holding hands and looking very happy. They met over the internet. He was from Argentina and she was from Mexico. Wish I could tell you their site. 8) Sounds like you've got a good handle on what your problems are which is a good first step. Hang in there. Good luck.
Im pretty much the quiet guy now with a low self esteem. Sitting back analysing yourself helps. Its hard to get into the psyco thing, as they tend to keep you coming back for the cash (i feel strong about this) I went through a hard depression. Some of the closest people around me told me talking about it helps more than medication. I had a hard time talking expressing myself to them, and i was a very fustration patient to them. After a couple months, i realized my problems were petty and I needed to get over them. The medication was making me feeling better (after switching a couple times to find the right one) and after a while, I decided to kick it. Once I kicked it, I felt much better. Its hard for me to take constant criticizm. If its something that helps me, then I don't mind. But if its something to put me down, it hurts. I eat up compliments. (valid ones) I try very hard to encourage and compliment everyone, especialy people that need it. But I also know how to hit peoples insecurities if they piss me off. I think the most part im a quiet person because I am self-absorbed. I don't like most people because they are "I I I I I" type of people and I can't stand that. I really enjoy people who ask about me AND talk about themselves. I try to abide by the golden rule. I still don't understand how some of the most popular people are so self-absorbed and people want to be around them. Next time you see the quiet guy, go give him a mouthful. He will appreciate it much more than that fine beauty across the room who will diss you anyways
Holden, consider yourself lucky (imo). You now realize that you are not alone in your depression. You could have been retelling my (and many, many others) college experience with your post. What you lack right now is HOPE. Since those dark days of my early 20s, (when my high school girlfriend of 7 years dumped me and I felt like I did not have a friend in the world) I rebounded completely. I now have a wife of 8 years and have to juggle my schedule to accomidate our friends. Listen to those who tell you to stay away from the meds. Medicating yourself only postpones the time when you will have to deal with the pain. You need to grieve about what you have experienced, so forgive yourself and cry a little. Time is your ultimate cure, but exercise, sunlight, and family will quicken your healing. Go to Yahoo live chat under an alias and talk to women about your shyness. Get their advice- they would love to talk to you. In fact, since they are women, you will have a hard time shutting them up.
If you're not getting what you want from your relationship with her, kick her to the curb and move on. I spent five months after my last break-up letting my ex twist my emotions and inflict pain on me, because I fell for the oldest trick in the book: I refused to accept that it was over and that there were new and better things out there. I was so reluctant to think about dating and the initial awkwardness of a new relationship that I tortured myself, hanging around my ex as a "friend" no matter how petty and cruel she was. I let her use me, repeatedly, and as a result, I never even started getting over her. Exactly 30 days ago, I cut off communication completely. I won't tell you what she did-- it's so unbelievably crass, so tacky, that it would probably derail this thread with anecdotes about the trashy behavior of ex's-- but I have been happier in each of the last 30 days than I was on any day from the break-up until I stopped talking to her. I finally have my life back. I feel terrific now. I'm actually ready to start dating again, because instead of subjecting myself to situations that left me feeling rejected and worthless, I honestly feel that I have a lot to offer the next woman in my life. My advice to you would be to just move on with your life. People say that's really hard to do. It's not. Just cut the cord. Don't let yourself dwell on depressing feelings-- don't mark anniversaries of things you did with her, don't listen to "your song", don't do any of the self-pitying that comes so easily in situations like this. Just move on. You'll be happy you did.
I will chime in now. I will tell a tragic tale about a young boy who had self-esteem issues and social anxiety and who couldn't buy a date for a while (probably had something to do with his perpetual frown and his often annoying insistance on his isolation). This sad boy was me. Now, I know you are saying, "but rimmy, you are the smartest, best-looking, most charming, and greatest BBS poster anywhere on earth and everyone is jealous and wishes they could be so wonderful." To this I answer, "true, so very very true." However, all of us have times of self-doubt and sadness. Mine seems to have been from something very different than yours (that is another matter), but it was tere nontheless. I ended up having a particularly sad time, got fed up, and beat the hell out of my problems. Now I just look back and laugh. My wife and I often make fun of the young rimmy. It is good, we bond. I personally believe that everyone can overcome just about everything themselves (unlewess they are simply non-functional) - we are terribly strong when we allow ourselves to be. Anyway, this really is not for advice telling you what you should do, I could not pretend to know. I just wanted to further reinforce that all this crap is common and, generally, we all move on in some way. As you get older you will understand this better. Time has a wonderful way of minimizing the importance of current crises (in other words, when you are young you blow it up because you do not understand time/mortality as much, etc) this holds true no matter how old you are, so don't take it as me just thinking that I am older and better, since I don't know about the former and will not humor the latter.
Holden, As you can see, you're definitely not the only one in the world going through such a tough time. I'm not going to say much, but I strongly agree with Treeman NOT to take medications. That's just some easy fix that does not solve any of your problems. The only time I would ever suggest medication is if you are really in serious danger of committing suicide which you don't seem to be. This was mentioned, but not enough. I seem to catch a theme through your story that you likely have a drinking problem. You seem to be down and very honest with yourself. Do you have a drinking problem? You might be medicating yourself already with the bottle, or you might be depressed because you drink too much. I apologize if I'm wrong and you drink moderately, just be honest with yourself. My father is a recovering alcoholic and I went to Alateen for 7 years when I was younger and it was amazing how a group of people will get you through some hard times. I used to be very shy and I would never talk in the meetings for many years, but I kept going back, at first because my mom made me, but then because I wanted to. AA is a great way to get support if you'd be willing to try it. Again, I'm sorry if I'm way off base. Good luck.
I've been meaning to post something in this thread, but I have been so busy that I'm finally getting around to it. Reading your post, Holden, about broke my heart because I know how you feel man. I can't identify with everything, but when I was unemployed for 3 months between November 1999 and February 2000 that was hell. I would wake up every morning feeling like the biggest piece of **** in the world because I didn't have a job. Also, it didn't help that I was being strung along by this one girl I knew. I remember that I went over to my parents house one afternoon around Christmas time, and just started thinking about ending my life because it just wasn't worth living. I bawled like a little baby, and of course, my parents were very worried about me. I even thought that I would need to go see a shrink. Somehow, I got through that time, but I had to lean heavily on my parents, friends, and of course, God. I know that you said that you were Catholic....have you thought about getting into something with your church such as a lecter or being in the choir or teaching a Sunday School class? I know it might sound corny, especially considering that I don't follow it very well, but I would try talking to your priest if I were you and letting God in your heart because it doesn't sound like He is there. Also, for goodness sakes, quit doing any drugs if you are doing that. And like others have said, you should probably look into seeking professional help. At least you have admitted that you have a problem, so that is a start. As for the girl thing, I hate to say this but I think you messed up big time & I'll tell you why. From reading that part of your post, you sound exactly like me. I'm 28 and still single. I just went to lunch with this incredible woman the other day, but I have already done something incredibly stupid (I talked about in another thread). I just am not able to meet a lot of available women. It would be great to be able to see more than one girl or woman because that way you don't get your hopes up with just one. However, since it's hard for you to talk to girls like me then you should have not pushed for going out with other people. It sounded like to me that you were trying to be someone that you are not. But I can understand why this happened. You are talking to the king of screwing up with women. I can only hope and pray that I can smooth things over with this woman that I went to lunch with & get her to go back out with me. If I can't, at least it didn't go far enough to emotionally devastate me. Something that also might help you is to have a "confidant". There is a person that I go to church with that I always confide in when I'm feeling down because I feel that I have an above average tendency in becoming depressed. I can't explain why but I have always worried about everything and seem to always be restless. I guess that would explain a lot of my problems. So, don't feel bad. Just realize, like others have said, that other people go through the same **** like you are going through. It will get better but you have to have strength to see it through. Although I'm not around as much as I used to be for a variety of reasons, I would be more than happy to listen to any problems or if you just feel like venting. You can email me at jfyoung@charter.net. Hang in there, man. Talk to your priest and try to find things (I know it's hard) to get your mind off that girl. Time does heal all wounds although some take longer to heal.
Holden, I know that no one here has or is going exactly through what you are experiencing right now, but it seems as if many of us have had really sad periods in our life. Almost everyone has a story about a female that they have lost that sent them into a spiral. Myself included. I'm 17 (I know, not that old), and I've only had one girlfriend. Towards the end of our relationship, I felt like I wanted out and told her this, but and we were separated for a couple of days. Then she acted sad and we got back together. Then like three days later she says she doesn't need a boyfriend right now. Then like two days later I find out she is all over this other guy. For months I felt like total crap. A big steaming pile of crap. I got so depressed I would just come home and cry myself to sleep over it. I missed her like hell, but something in the back of my head always told me that she wasn't "the one." Even to this day, which is almost exactly a year since we broke up for the final time, a part of me misses her every once and a while. I can say for several months I always tried to express how bad I hurt since we were apart, I would cry my eyes out inher arms, and she'd always say she understood. The reality of the matter is that she might of understood, but she sure didn't seem to let that deter her from dating this guy. Anyways, back to the point. I didn't feel better until I stopped trying to get sympathy from her and other friends. I had to make an effort to really get out and try to be happy. I had to meet new friends, do new things, be more outgoing. This is my senior year of high school and I have really tried a lot of new things I enjoy. This might sound stupid, but I signed up to be the basketball teams waterboy, and I really enjoy it. It gives me something to do that I have fun at and it keeps me from having free time in which I think about the past. I would definitely say get outside, dont stay in all the time and just sit around thinking about your problems. The main thing as far as your female problems, stay away from your ex, man. Every once and a while I try to be 'just friends' with my old girl, and it never seems to work out. I always end up getting mad at her in this weird way that makes me really want to be with her, even though I have this deep hate towards her. Stay away from the ex! That's the moral of the story! I hope you get to feeling better. Don't give up the fight.
You just need to get rid of that ridiculous signature!!! I mean it's really lame reading your posts which are all of 4 words then having to scroll down through all of the **** at the end of your post, just to see if someone else has posted after you. It wouldn't be so bad if you rotated out your quotes so we didn't have to deal with all 3000 of them at once. Basically I'm just venting, but you have to admit, it is way too long.
HOLDEN PLEASE READ ALL MY POST .. I am also sending this message direct wait I cant I just realized anyway I also posted publicly because I also want to say to some of you posters -- PLEASE NO MEDICATION! or shrinks! that is not the answer.. all you crutches out there need to step away from the medication /psychologist talk.. that’s a cop out ..as someone else said congrats you are normal .. welcome to one of the sadder sides of plain reality and sadder sides of beign in love and it not working out..you idiots that think xanax (insert any other drug you want) make me f*cking sick… I bet those with medication advice took ritalin when you were a kid because you were hyper right…? umm no that’s called being a kid you dumba$$… yes there are some instances where medication is needed but what a quick bbs diagnosis cop out to go straight to the old prozac advice-- take 2 of these youll be fine and get some sleep buddy.. Side note: I admit I smoke pot maybe my drug to ease this type of depression but I am not smoking it because of.. as much as I want to.. also a shrink or freaking holding hands with a bunch of others either is a crock --a f*cking crock…you medication/psychologist cop outs just f*cking make me steam and sick!!! And now for my potentially longest post ever: not to flatter the admin but mister kagy is right dead on in his advice..cut the cord…all ties if you are strong enough… easier said then done.. though we all know that.. i think youll notice the love here because we have all been through breakups... i just spoke to my ex girlfriend from high school the other day--- I graduated in 93 mind you and for all intents and purposes have been apart since 94... i went through the same torture that you speak about..the holding on..the coldness of how she acted after the fact..the inability for me to get over the fact we were just friends now...what bullsh*t...this went on from 94 until jan of 2000… whats funny is all along I knew it wasn’t meant to be…but love is screwed up like that I suppose now let me quote you here ( by the way I still don’t know how to quote people on this bbs and I haven’t taken the 15 seconds to learn ) you say: “you dont realize how good something is until its gone.” first of all you are right maybe that you don’t realize how good something is until its gone…fair enough..but you don’t realize how good it can be elsewhere if you let it..don’t live life in the past ( I do the same by harping on things) but she-- no matter how great she may be or love schmove whatever the f*ck please she is not the be all end all of the world please remember that…read my signature below.. if it was meant to be then meant to be please!!! it cant be forced.. I have been able to love again and that is a beautiful testament to this fact..yeah maybe I walk scarred but I have loved again… then you say: “i saw her tonight. and i could see the change in her from the way things were. she was so cold. nice and sweet but so unaffectionate. i tried to be normal. i tried to have just regular conversations with her. but at the end of the night my thoughts overtook me and i became so angry and depressed i took her home in silence. she knows how bad i feel, and she worries, but thats really all...” man how many times did I go through that??jesus!!! …sadly just like my high school girl its over.. the fat lady has sung and it wasn’t meant to be…if it was you wouldn’t have posted this thread and you would be living happily ever after… so like I was saying earlier I spoke to my high school girlfriend for the first time in a year just the other day…the conversation was very ‘well I hope you are doing well’ (which I hope she is) kind of talk she’s coming to a wedding in june and I told her it would be nice to see her..( which it will ) and then she asked me if it was okay if she brought her boyfriend and she wanted to talk about him..i said in a calm and serious nature: ’you do whatever your little heart desires (I regards to the wedding and bringing him) but lets not talk about whatever guy you are dating..i don’t want to know about it change of subject please’ actually I don’t really want to know anything about her except that she is happy and alive and I want to best for her..people would see that as jealousy ( the boyfriend part) but I don’t even know who she is going out with.. okay maybe I still love her…I admit..but I am in touch with the torture side..just like kagy says the only and only solution is cut the cord… you have to.. here I am after torturing myself over the course of 6 years just like you say and I realized that what kagy said is the only solution… it took me 6 years and sadly it may take you that long..i still kick myself over all wool I could have chased or gotten in college had I not been so depressed or stuck in someone else..my approach ( to other women..love)was so flawed because … I am not a bitter old man or regret but I wish I had cut the cord..this past year (since the final cut) has been one of my better from a love emotional standpoint..and here I am sitting saying final cut and sure enough I will see her again… and stab myself twenty more times at least..but at least I can know how to not be sad and I made the biggest strides I could have made.. I am truly happy to have done so… let me tell you as well she was a real nice piece of ass okay…caring sweet, fun, very good looking all that… it just isn’t meant to be..there are deeper issues as to why and inconsistencies or coldness as you put it that I could never be with if we somehow got together again.. on a deeper level she is a f*cking cold b*tch in simple terms.. anyway..it can never be..i have to accept what I know your next quote: ”and its really not about her so much. its about the fact that i am so pathetic, that i cant see myself achieving a relationship with anyone else. i cant see myself as a normal person in society, dating, and having fun with others. i mean i go to parties, i drink and i try to have a good time. but always, always, there is a moment where i just go off alone away from everyone and sit there depressed out of my mind. thinking how ive screwed up everything. every party it happens.” Bullsh*t. It is about her and until you get over her… ( as I have said here just above even I still haven’t gotten over my her) you can begin to have fun again…I finally got over her enough to have fun and actually begin to have a good time..to know again that I could have a good time… as you say ..just keep trying to have a good time don’t force it and more than anything time heals… it really does… But cut the cord…as much as you can even though it will be impossible to completely.. that my friend is the only only way to ever have peace and not be depressed in this regard… I will belittle females by saying I truly believe that men take longer to fall in love but they also take longer to fall out of love.. To me that’s deeper and speaks volumes of the fact that we don’t go throwing it around… Those of you besides holden that have read this far I ask that question to as well…do you agree or disagree : that men take longer to fall in love but they also take longer to fall out of love?? You see in my opinion its more special and we don’t go around throwing our love like its just any other thing… what a turn off when a girl tells you she loves you and you really know she doesn’t or you get the sense that she is being a bit quick triggered about it… ‘I love you too baby’ I could have said what I say here in shorter terms but this isn’t a creative writing class or whatever else.. Call me cynical, bitter, whatever…but I don’t need medication or psychologist…I need my own inner strength that’s all I have.. That’s all you have… Youll probably have to live through this and learn on your own but that's my 37 cents and hopefully save you a lot of time… Happiness is sitting there right in f*cking front of you and I want you to take it… email me if you want to talk further please a least take my advice with a grain of salt… If I don’t hear from you then I will reply to those that disagree or still think the psycho/med route is best and only solution to your deep love depression… I cant wait to argue that..
sirhangover: Great post. Never hurts to bunch two rants together... I agree with all of it. ALL. And Kagy's. No meds, no psychotherapy, just cut the ties and improve yourself. If only it was that easy... But that is what has to be done. Think of it as you'd think of fixing the car. Gotta be done. Just do it. BTW, men do take longer to fall out of love. And that doesn't mix well with our jealousy complexes - we all have them. Women seem to go from A to B with no problem, but we seem to sit back and wonder how that f*ing slut could go from A to B so fast... and get crippled by it. It happens to women too when they're dealing with guys who will screw a three-legged goat, but we men appear to be even more prone to such brooding... We've all (anyone over 24-25 or so) been through that. But we are still susceptible to "love at first sight" - just as much as women. So... We fall into love just the same as them, we just take a helluva lot longer to get out of it. Sux. Not to infringe on Nike's copyright, but Just do it.
