My girlfriend lost her father late last summer, and she has not been coping very well. She has now lost both her parents to the same type of cancer. She is the type of person to bottle things up, not talk about the issues that are truly bothering her, and pretends to be happy in front of everyone... So after her dad died she just filled her schedule. Friends, work, etc. She would literally not take any time to herself or to just relax. Now things have come to a point where they have blown up, and suddenly all of the emotions that had been hidden are out and so volatile. I don't really know how to deal with it or how to help her. Also, our relationship now seems to be suffering as a result. We have been together a long time, love, plans of marriage, etc... it's very hard to help someone that is pushing you away. Do any of you have any suggestions? Should she talk to someone (professional)? Have you gone through something like this in the past and how did you deal with it, from my point of view and hers? Thanks guys.... it suffices to say that I'm quite down about it all.
Bereavement is a tough thing to deal with. If she's not comfortable enough to share whats effecting her with you, then I would recommend a counselor or therapist. Sometimes its easier to divulge your personal issues to a stranger who won't judge. In the mean time, just try to be patient with her and let her work things out. The saying time heals all wounds is especially true when dealing with the loss of a loved one. Give it some time. Give her some time, and don't push. Eventually when she's ready she'll talk to you about it if she's comfortable. I know I lost my father when I was 15 and watching him die took a number of years. He had lung cancer that was successfully removed six years prior to his death, but he was certainly physically a shell of his former self. Mentally, and spiritually however he was as strong as ever, which was empowering to witness daily. However it seemed inevitable waiting for him to pass, and its surprising he lasted as long as he did. I had other stuff I was dealing with at the time but losing him was the straw that broke the camels back, and eventually I was able to confide with my mother what was looming through my head. I was the type to not cry at the funeral, or some time even after, unless it was in private even though I was one of the few most deeply affected. Once I was ready though, I opened up despite the unhealthy effects it had on me when I kept it all bottled up. If I could draw a comparison for myself, it was like a dam that was gradually leaking through the cracks of its walls before a storm hit and it collapsed entirely leaving a massive rush of emotions that poured from me. Just be patient, and don't be offended if she's not comfortable with sharing whats bothering you. Again sometimes its most difficult to show vulnerability to the ones you love most. And in such a time a counselor or therapist might be best served to help her. I hope this helps.
Thanks so much for your advice and sharing your story. I am sorry you lost your dad like that... cancer is so painful to go through. Yeah, the thing is she gets stressed when people don't ask her about how she is doing... because she doesn't want to be the one to start such a conversation. But then I am stuck as I have to be perfect in my timing... one day it could be perfect and considerate, the next I could potentially be ruining her mood. Also, I worry how to bring up the idea of a therapist, how do I do this without offending her? She has already rejected the idea when it has come from a friend, but I do think it would be a good idea. She is literally not talking to anyone right now. Your reactions in terms of how the emotions bottled up and then poured out - sounds exactly like what is happening to her right now. She seemed to be coping quite well, but the holidays simply destroyed that and let her true emotions out with the added stress of having a Christmas without her parents.
I know it sounds weird and pretty masochistic, but there is some good in having grief right now. Again it sounds weird, but let her embellish in her suffering for a bit til shes ready to start feeling better. My oldest sister gravitated towards louder heavy metal music and took on a more active personality keeping her schedule busy. My mother as well became even more of a workaholic to cope, and put on weight from frequent eating that was uncommon for her. It took about a year before I told her these subtleties with her before she eventually recognized it and started to change. Eventually she'll reach a point where she'll want help and you gotta be patient when she's ready to receive it. In the meantime, and I know its tough, but those mood swings where she knows you're sincere and other times thinks your coddling her too much just come with the territory of watching someone cope with their loss. Holidays and anniversaries for her dad's birthday, her own birthday, Fathers Day, and the day he passed on among similar holidays that'll cause her to remember him are times you'll probably need to be most sensitive. Perhaps dedicate those times to devote extra care to letting her know you're there when she's ready to talk, or try to make those days even more devoted to happier events to distract her while she copes. Just give it time, and endure it for now. About the counseling, I'd say be direct. Dropping subtle hints might annoy her, and she might be offended when you say she might want to seek counseling, but at least you're being direct and getting the possible anger from suggesting it out of the way. Just be there for her.
The most important thing for her right now is to face those feelings -- find some kind of outlet. It doesn't even have to be another person -- if she's into that kind of thing journaling helps or find a grief share group in your area. She has to understand that her feelings are normal and o.k. Often times it's the person who seems to have it all together and "handling it well" that is really repressing their feelings. When she talks about it -- don't try to 'fix' it but encourage her to continue talking and be empathetic. Don't try to change the subject or make her laugh (so things seem better). Let her know you will listen in a non-judgemental way.
Sorry for the double post: Another thing that helps lots of people is to help her create a scrapbook "memorial" of her parents. It can be very theraputic and help them face their feelings / memories.
Okay so from what I gather I should be there to listen... but not to fix things for her. Should I tell her that or should I just do it? I don't know whether she has some unreal expectation in which she expects me to help her more than I would ever be capable. I will try and let her know that the feelings she has are normal... but what if she just turns and says "but you don't know anything about it, you haven't been through it!"? She would be right. I guess more and more I feel she should talk to someone who has more experience.
It's true that everyone deals with it differently, but that's why I am trying to figure out what is going on in her particular circumstance and how I should be there for her. "Being there" is difficult to define and quantify, so I am trying to conclude on how to approach it. Thanks for the advice...
My fiance and I just went through this last July. The approach I took was to be there when she needed me, and stay out of the way when she needs to be sad by herself. I was cool with her dad, so it was very painful for me as well. I didn't hide my emotions about it, and I think her seeing that helps her let it out. Let's her see it's normal and ok to hurt, cry, be mad, be whatever. At the same time amidst all the sadness, we remember the funny times, the other hard times, quirks about the person. If you can laugh and smile when remembering a lost loved one, it's so much easier. You know if you are able to laugh, there are little to no regrets. For my fiance, not having her dad there to give her away at the wedding is going to be very very tough, but she tries to cope by saying, "At least he knew we were on our way to being engaged and setting a date. At least he knows I'll be taken care of." Again, stay out of the way when appropriate, and be there and drop whatever you are doing when she needs you.
Really sorry to hear about that Ace. I lost a good friend of mine about a month ago and I don't think I'm over it and if any of my parents died I know it would be very tough to deal with. I agree with a most of the posts here. You have to let her deal with the grief in her own way. Its true its unhealthy to bottle things up but I don't think forcing her to confront things in a way that she doesn't want to is going to be that helpful either. I think being there for her is the best thing to do and sooner or later she will probably need your support.
You're reply to that is, "Yes, you are right...I don't know. But just thinking about it and imagining it, it makes me hurt, sad, scared...I can only imagine you are feeling those things a million times over." I think saying something like, "I know I can't fix things, I can't bring him back, but I want to help you get through it in any way I can...I'm here if you need me. If you need me to just be normal, I'll do that. If you need me to listen, advise, etc. I'll do that" is nice to hear. But, I would say it only once. No need to keep reminding her she's in mourning.
i have no experience in this subject but i am a girl and i do typically bottle feelings in (not a good thing) so my advice is to be direct with her and tell her you want to do everything you can for her, you will be there for her, you want to help her get through this but you're not sure what it is and you are scared and concerned for her. pour your heart out to her how you care about her and want the best and ask her what she wants of you. this is where i would mention getting professional help. there is nothing wrong with it. but def stick through it, listen to her, when she is moody, just half ignore it and know that she's not angry at you, she's just using you as an outlet. it's not fair to you, but in time, that will pass and she'll get better. best of luck...i can imagine this being very tough but you guys can get thru this.
I lost my dad at 20, and healing only comes with time. It's been almost 6 years and it still kinda difficult to handle when i see pictures, videos, etc. My guess is that she's pushing you away cause she's afraid of losing you also. In her case, seeing both her parents gone, she doesn't want to get close to anyone, for the fear of losing them. Fact is, it's always going to hurt a little. Just show her that you'll be there, not necessarily talking about things, but doing the little things for her. Remember her parents birthdays, anniversaries, and do something with her for those days. My best advice is give her time. No matter how hard, give her time and she'll heal. You guys will be stronger because of it.
I've never gone through anything like this so I don't really have any advice for you other than to be there for her and try not to take any way she acts personally. Good luck man. Sorry you and her are having to go through this. I'm guessing you were somewhat close to her father if you have been together for a while.
Anger is one of the stages of grief. She may get "angry" at you but it's only misplaced anger at the situation. There is some great advice in this thread especially EssTooKayTD
Well, she has now decided she wants to go on a "break". Looks like it might be the end of a four year saga for us.... She basically said that she thinks we might be lacking in a "natural" connection and that I should know how to help her because I should know her... she said that wanting to help was not enough. I was floored by this, but in some ways not surprised as the days prior to this hinted at something being wrong between us.
damn, biatch... why should you KNOW exactly how to handle it. If she really cared about you she would have clued you in on what she wanted. Sheesh. Sorry about that Ace.
Sounds like she is confused Ace. If you really love her, then don't let her separate the two of you. She is all reaction at this point, not rational, her thinking is off because she's depressed. At least it sounds like depression to me, rather than natural grieving. I hope everything works out.
Losing someone you love no matter what the cicrcumstances is brutal."Friends" can be a double edged sword,so don't always count on the reaction and support you might expect.Don't lose hope,keep plugging away...going down that river.You will hit some tributaries,but as long as you don't spend too much time swimming against the current,you'll get through.When you have that kind of love it will stay in you,helping you through,but making you stronger and wiser on the backside.Many people have their lives ruined,but if you come through with an open mind and heart the world can be yours.Those simple things that once were taken for granted are appreciated exponentially.You find out who you are and who your friends are to be sure.Try to take the positives out of what is a negative situation at the time...use them later.The practical application of knowledge based on experience equals wisdom.Changing scenery helped me.I spent a lot of time isolated up in the mountains and on the beach..out in nature.My Mother and I talked extensively and spent a lot of time together before she passed.It was a special relationship.Afterwards though,I,a,communicator found myself without many people I could talk/relate to when I needed it most..(ergo the iso's living in far West Gaveston at a beach house or Lake Tahoe donig plenty of skiing.....producing endorphins which helps bigtime) It's whatever works for you though. I would come back with perspective/contrast seeing the stress and agendas of people I had been friends with for 20 years +.Don't let that set you back.Keep moving forward.I know it's difficult but this too shall pass.I've just now come back to Houston on an almost full time basis.So hang in there.Life DOES get better.I surround myself with positive people and have let the friend situation sort itself out.One might encounter projection from said friends.(unhappy jobs,marriages,etc.) but this is usually,strangely enough IMO sick envy of you getting psyched about life again and being true to yourself.Most of the people that come into my life now will be with me for the duration and the folks still around from before are true friends.Eventually the tragedy gets filed where it belongs so you can get on with living in the "NOW".
