Kids: Reason enough?

I have no answers when it comes to relationships and I am not meant to live with other people - but these are things I think I have learned:

God isn't that interested in personal relationships - I'm pretty sure he has better things to do. This is simply a personal belief and certainly not shared by everyone.

Kids are way more resilient than adults give them credit. Adults view children as these fragile souls when in fact they are many times more adaptable than adults and have amazing ability to look on the bright side of life.

I would be living somewhere far away if it were not for the fact that my daughter needs me in her life. I could not move to a place that would limit my time with her to summers and holidays.

I cannot be in a relationship that is not mutually satisfying. Living unhappily is no way to live. You either have to find a way to find happiness in your marriage or move on while keeping within support distance of your children.

Life is not static. Everything associated with the living or non-living is in a constant state of change. If God had wanted everything to live in a static state the universe and everything in it would not be in a constant state of flux, transition and movement.

Only you and your God can decide what is best.

Being single is best for me - but everyone requires different things out of life.

If you do get a divorce - handle everything you can immediately and do not procrastinate on legal issues. Things have a way of starting out smoothly but as they progress there will be a time where she might have other ideas than the ideas she will have initially. Other people in her life will also influence attitudes that will possibly transition from being a civil split to something less than pleasant. The more you can get out of the way in the beginning as quickly as you can the better off everyone will be in the long run.

And finally - You don't really know someone until you divorce them. This is the single element of relationships about which I am absolutely positive.

Best to you and regardless of what happens or what choices are made you have to believe it is for the best.

Brock

 

I have to disagree entirely. I was a counselor for over four years....stuffing your feelings is never a good idea; it only breeds resentment.

Sorry...I didn't read far enough. This is a different scenario than the one above, and taking time to calm down is always a good idea. Quickly felt emotions can lead to quick responses that are often best left to a cooling down period.

However, if one is angry, one has a right to speak to that anger, and the primary emotion behind it. To do otherwise isn't a good idea.

And ROXRAN, I was recommending couples counseling whether you two decide to divorce or not. Clear and honest communication will help immensely..

 

I'm talking about foolish pride. I didn't say to bottle up emotions. If people can discuss issues in a respectful manner, more power to them. If they can't, they need to wait until it cools down, but by all means let it out.

Just not in an angry way.

 

You both need to go to counseling if you haven't. Marriage counseling and maybe one on one for each of you.

Communication is key. Be better, not bitter.
Good luck.

 

Agreed. I edited my post after reading further on the first page.

 

What he said...You have to be happy and trust me, kids know...Don't stay for the sake of the kids...To that end, it will be tough to move to a different state and commute (will be expensive)...I commute to be with my kids from Dallas and I talk to them every night...It's not for everyone, but it can be done...Eventually I'll move back to be closer but even then, it's only an extra night...

As for divorce advice, make absolutely sure it won't be able to work...It's tough on everyone and emotionally draining...And don't be a p*ssy and let her take everything for the sake of the kids...Her and her lawyer rely on that so do be afraid to say no and fight for things...Remember, things happen for a reason...Good luck...

 

Yea, sorry for not clarifying but I was talking about when my wife makes some comment that I don't really care for but in the grand scheme of things is really insignificant and holds no bearing on our relationship. If I let it go, things will be fine. Yet if I comment, I can start something that can be bad. I guess it is the old adage of "picking your battles".

And I do have trouble with bottling my feelings up - it is like when I do let them out, I let them ALL out and with no finesse whatsoever, lol. That is the biggest thing I have to work on - when I do feel that there is a battle worth fighting, using the right tone and delivery to get my point across. Sadly, I have not done a good job of that in the past.

 

Man sorry to hear about all of that.

I too have a daughter on the way, and I want to be there for her no matter what. However, if you are in an unhappy marriage, that is far more damaging to a child than getting out of it.

 

The kids will be fine. I was 5 years old when my parents divorced, I'm 31 now and my sister is 34, we are both fine. People think divorce will ruin kids, when actually it doesn't. As long as both parents are in their life one way or another.

If you aren't happy and your wife has changed and become a different person (happens all the time, you hear these types of stories every single day) then you need to be a bit selfish and take care of yourself. Get a divorce, stay in the kids life and be a good dad. Otherwise, 20 years from now you'll have so much regret because you stayed in a marriage that made you unhappy and you'll feel like you wasted your life.

 

That is a rough situation. It sounds like a really hard, and tough decision. It also sounds like in your mind you know what you have to do, it's just there are some definite causes for concern and thought involved.

I agree that it also sounds like your wife might be depressed. I have some experience dealing with that. If you want you can e-mail me through the board.

I hope that things work out the best for you and your family however it ends up.

 

Another vote for counseling and be open to suggestion. If you put up walls, it's over before it even starts.

Good Luck...I'd go nuts if I couldn't see my son every other day like I do.

 

Strange thing is, with single parent households and divorces being more common occurences the past few decades, kids now are USED to it being around them more.

Make sure you are involved and around in some capacity, that's VITAL. The damaging part is if one parent is almost or completely absent in their lives. The important part is the kids knowing where dad is and that he can be called on anytime for anything. Or there or away he's just the same dad they've always known period

 

Maybe both couple and private counseling for both of you.

If there is no saving the relationship, then it's best you two get on w/ your lives but as you are aware and apparently prepared to do, be there for your girls. And I couldn't imagine moving to a different city if you don't have too, but that's just me.

God Bless your family and good luck.

 

Also:
I think you will need to give up the idea of returning to Houston, at least for now.

Stay where your kids are, and keep that relationship with their mom. I cannot emphasize the importance of letting go of any pride, blame, anger, resentment, etc. you may be holding onto.

Hear her out and don't dismiss her feelings. Remember what someone feels is never wrong. No matter what: treat her as you would like to be treated, and don't let your emotions get the best of you.

Best of luck.

 

Good Luck Randy.

Hope it all works out for you and your family.

I think you are doing the right thing trying to save your relationship. Your children will greatly benefit from having 2 happy parents around everyday if you can work things out.

Best of luck.

 

Right on

 

Fantastic, the first step to any problem is recognizing it as a problem and then going forward to solve it together.

Time together is CRUCIAL (we call it our "alone time").....my wife and I take one week a year to go on a vacation sans kids....sort of reminds us of why we got married in the first place.

DD

 

Glad you're working on this. IMO, kids ARE reason enough, unless there is some really psycho-grade stuff going on, in which case, if it's the other person doing the crazy stuff, you try to get the kids in a custody battle.

 

Glad to hear you're working on it...I this is the case, put 110% into it and really listen and don't be offended when it may seem like she's attacking you...That's not it, she's just expressing how she feels and you both need to work on a way to remedy it together...

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of spending quality time together...A set time for alone time each night and a date night is a must...Good luck...