How long have you been letting it grow? Hair grows in waves, and some strands grow slower than others. It may just be a matter of time before that sparse molester mustache becomes a glorious muff of hair.
Shave against the grain. It's the only way I've ever had a smooth shave, but I can now grow a full beard in roughly three weeks.
I'm afraid you will just have to be more manly. Start drinking rotgut, and live in the open air, camping out, and living off the land, preferably in the Mountains. I'm sure it will work.