swilkins, I don't know you, but I was definitely affected by your story. I haven't been through a situation like this, but both my brothers and my sister have, so I have a little experience in these things. First, you have exactly the right attitude towards your ex. Hostility or taking revenge isn't going to help anyone and will likely cause harm to people you love, like your kids. That said, I urge you strongly to consult a lawyer to deal with the debt situation. Your wife acted irrationally and dishonestly in the past, there is a good chance she will not abide by any verbal agreements you make now. Getting a lawyer isn't to hurt her, but to protect yourself. Anyway, best of luck. Your already dealing with this much better than I would.
swilkins--i feel for you. I think it's best to leave the advice to people with similar previous experiences in cases like this.. so i'll just say good luck, and I hope things get better soon. You're handling this better (in terms of not resorting to angry or emotional/irrational decisions) than 95% of us...probably myself included.
swilkins, Earlier, I pictured myself in your place and got so angry as evidenced by my first post. You appear to have your head on pretty straight and will come out of this just fine, at least I think so. The only thing I want to ask of you is that you do protect yourself. I know you have rationalized the splitting of the debt with her but would you say those agreements are more binding to her than say wedding vows, for instance? Like GWB says fool me once, shame on you...well, you know the rest. I know no one can know your situation as you do, but she did go to great lengths to fool you before. It can't hurt to lawyer up and she may not need to know until she tries to renege on the agreement. You're in my thoughts, bro. Stay strong!
Numbers and money don't bother me. My wife is not going to try and ruin me. After 21 years, I am sure of that. She knows that I am bothered enough reminding myself of the images and statements made from the email exchange does. They always come at the worst moment. Those around me are better off not here when they do. I just end up getting real quiet. It is when I'm trying to heal myself and want to be left alone. It is what reminds me that I am human and I am not the exception to the rule. It's avoidance, and finding ways to cope. I could easily just make myself feel like ****, but I decide to come down from my room and type. I just had another low moment, this evening. I'm sitting arounding watching Family Guy (rerun) after running myself into the ground (unloading the attic) and frankly am not much in the mood to laugh. I hold this in long enough to get a headache. I go upstairs to rest my head and fall a sleep for a few hours. I wake up and everyone is asleep. Today, I asked my wife to come and separate her stuff. She will be moving into her apt tomorrow. I can always feel her pain in my presence. She took a break earlier and went to the store to get some ice cream. It's Ice Cream day (isn't it?), you know? She comes back with days worth of groceries. I thanked her for doing it, but was not happy inside. I can buy my own damn groceries. I am the f'n grocery master. She would spend over a hundred bucks on 5 days of groceries in a blink. And I'm not talking about non-perishables. Me? 75 tops. And I might even throw in some laundry detergent. I take pride in handling money. I always have. Maybe that is where I went wrong the most. I can't help but think that if I had managed all the finances, she wouldn't have had as much pressure. The vacations would have been paid for up front. Debt would not have been an option. Especially on our combined incomes. I'm not saying that it would have prevented an affair. That **** is deep. When someone decides to do something like that, they have to be mentally prepared to do it. I know, because I could never do it. I'm glad I can't. It helps me accept that there can never be an "us", again. It may sound as though I'm taking this easier than most, but I couldn't feel more empty inside. Hope is what I need, to keep this going. Waking up at 11 after a 2 hour nap, is not exactly what I wanted to happen. It would have been awesome, if I could have just slept right on through. Since I have stopped drinking, I don't require as much sleep. For most of 20 years, I would average between 8-9 hours. That's right. Now, it's down to 6.5 hours. My weight has went from 218-220 to around 205, in one month. Trust me - I am not eating lesser amounts. I just don't have those empty calories. I'm getting trimmed. And all of this, because I put down the drink. I wish I had this motivation a long time ago. When I found out about the affair, I decided to stop drinking. Not because I felt I would be better, but rather because I didn't want things to get worse. I could have easily lost hope and drowned my sorrows. Sat around and felt sorry for myself. F that. Things are becoming more clear now than they ever have. I sometimes feel sanely insane. Has that ever been said? Passing these thoughts on, helps me. I hope I don't ramble too much. I have been told that I do have that tendancy. Thanks for the wonderful comments today. I feel the frustration from many on the financial side. I will handle it my way, for now. I can change at a moments notice. In my observation in this thread, it seems that many of you feel as though you have climbed inside me and experienced what I feel. If I can pass along a few wrods and give someone something to think about. Something they might take for granted, it would make me feel better inside. Thanks for listening and responding today. Tomorrow, I'll clean out the garage, when I get home from work.
i got some yard work if you're interested. Keep your head up. You're going to look back and realize what a good guy you are for persevering through this.
Good job on stopping drinking. Your mind is now clear and your health sounds like it is doing well. I gave it up Jan 1, 2005. It was a great decision and has affected my life and health positively. But I hear these stories all too often, women who live in the moment, searching for excitement with no conscience. As soon as you have one who you think would never do such a thing.... may want to start checking your siginificant other's email accounts, you may be shocked at what you find. It happened to me as well.
Man, I don't know how I missed this thread this long. Sorry to hear that man, I hope you and your son all the best. That was a moving story of your recent past. Things will be better in the future.
I read your story and I feel for you dude, I really do. Our conduct during tough times is the real measure of a man and you, sir, are doing fine in my book. Things will definitely get better - that's a guarantee as long as you want them to get better, and work towards that. Good luck
I'm not one who has called for revenge. I think it is great that you are trying to make this all so amicable, but.... you can't change things that SHE does. I never imagined that my "wife" would move the kids away from their father, so I didn't insist on such language in the separation agreement. We had joint custody with her having primary physical custody. I had the kids fully half the time they weren't in school (weekends, holidays, summers et al) and on Wednesday night. A year later, she sits me down on a Friday and tells me about this great job offer an hour away and that she wants to move and promises to come back in two years. I'm leaving town with the kids the next morning to visit my folks in Houston and she needs to give THEM an answer by Tuesday. Do I say NO and piss her off or say YES and cope with the distance. This was her first job post-Doc so I give her a leg up and reluctantly agree to the arrangement. Next thing I know she's buying a house an hour away and there's not much, effectively, I can do about it unless I want to start a war. It's not always going to be about what you can do. You need protections against what she chooses to do that necessarily implicates you. It's best to get those things down in writing when it's not critical and she probably hasn't even thought of doing them yet. Preparation.
Count me in as one of your well-wishers; good luck to you and your son through all of this. A couple of questions/observations that you don't have to respond to: You seem to be a good father...is she a good mother? It kind of seems like she doesn't place a big emphasis on parenthood and its responsibilities like you do. I understand that you don't want anyone to hurt anymore...but if she isn't a fit mother, I don't see why she should be given leniency. (Also, financially, what about your son? College tuition or whatnot an issue?) I think getting an attorney is to cover your ass, kind of a contingency plan. Although you may feel that it's unwarranted right now, you have to watch out for you. I'm sure there are some divorce lawyers on the board who'd be willing to help you out somehow. I just think you should take any and all precautions necessary. Like people have mentioned, she doesn't seem to be stable or trustworthy right now, so you should try to prevent any and all loss on your part. As for telling the other man's wife...I honestly have mixed feelings on this one. On one hand, you shouldn't meddle in other people's business. However, once the guy took something from you, it became your business. You were afforded the opportunity to test yourself for STDs...she deserves that opportunity too. He was able to swing a 3some with your wife; who's to say this is his only sexual foray away from his marriage bed? In the end, I think you should tell her, not out of revenge, but because I believe she has a right to know... Sorry about the long response. It just kind of hit close to home. A close friend of mine recently found out her husband who she'd been with for about 15 years was cheating on her with another married woman. They went through a messy divorce...and they also have a 3 year old son. It just really really sucks, and I know secondhand how badly it all hurts. I'm pulling for you, man, good luck...
This made me laugh... Hey man, I feel your pain...I've been divorced for a year and 2 months and honestly, it does get better...Really...This was the best thing to happen to me because I am a much happier person now... When i was going through something like this, I was so angry, but over time, it got better and honestly, it made me realize life is short and that you can't spend the rest of my life in an un-happy relationship...That's not marriage... The debt will always be there, don't let it consume you, just take your time and pay as much as you can, but if get a lump sum, it should go to debt... Things happen for a reason, and honestly, I know it doesn't seem like that now, but trust me, it'll get better...I wish you the best and know you'll be a better person because of this...
Wow. You're handling it very well. I, like most people, wouldn't be rational. I knew a guy in law school who failed out after he discovered his fiancee was cheating on him. Threw it away for a chick. I can't imagine what would have happened had he been with her for 21 years. Ask for help even if you think you don't need it.
This is a BIG financial mistake. Have you considered having your divorce mediated? My understanding is that it is way cheaper and very doable for couples not set on payback. Divorce mediation should also get everything in writing ASAP and I suspect the divorce finalized quicker too.
swilkins, I have always enjoyed reading your posts. I remember you being a Pink Floyd fan and I have been impressed with your giving up of drinking. I feel so bad for you and I will definitely keep you and your son in my prayers. Take it from someone who has had experience firsthand - Jeff is an excellent person to talk to. He can give you some great advice on this situation. I think you definitely need to protect yourself because as you know the trust is broken. You sound alot like me in being a nice guy - always looking for the good in people but be aware that there are always going to be people who will use that to their advantage and it sounds like your wife (soon to be ex-wife) did that to you. Honestly, if it was me, I would try to get everything straightened out with my own life and not really worry about her unless I knew or suspected she was going to do something that would impact you and/or your son financially. Having equity in your house and your truck will definitely help you. I don't know how close you are to your parents but many times in situations like this, they will pull together to help you and your son. But I can't fathom what you are going through. That experience would be enough to make me never want to get married again. Good luck and hang in there.
I must have missed this...Get a lawyer, do not share one...You may not think so, but trust me...What typically happens is that you start off being nice and working toward the same goal, which is to save money, but someone gets PO'd (i.e. ex-b*tch) and then it gets personal and then its all about sticking you with all the bills, etc...All I can say is read everything...
swilkins, just read this thread. It's really a shame when bad things happen to good people, but in my limited experience, it all evens out over time. Sounds like a cliche, but it's really true. Hang in there. Like some other people are saying, I really think you should at least consult with an attorney. You never know, she may already have one despite what she's telling you. It's not like she hasn't lied to you before. My Dad got burned about 10 years ago by my evil psyco hose-beast of an ex-stepmother. She asked for a divorce and promised not to take him to the cleaners, so he decided to be the nice guy. She took him to the cleaners. Get an attorney.
I have an attorney and will use him, if I need to. I realize the importance of being safe. We're handling this part very well. It's the mental anguish from the act itself that I am struggling with the most. She doesn't want to go to war with me. Trust me. I am being very reasonable to her about this. She doesn't want to make this more complicated than it already is. If WWIII breaks out, I am more than prepared. I'm not sure, if I made that clear.
