I'm going with everyone else who's saying to follow ToothYanker's advice. It might seem mundane and trivial to focus on dollars n' sense during this time, but this woman, by all appearances, has shown that she's easily capable of pursuing her own interests without regard for your, or your son's, well-being. Just consider it an insurance policy, if you must. People change their minds, and with time and distance, she may find that she has much to gain from doing precisely those things you believe she wouldn't do. Covering your ass is a good way to make sure that once you've gone through the pain and put this behind you, that it will stay behind you.
Swilkens, I am so sorry for you, and wish there was something I could do to help. Just remember, that you did nothing wrong, and don't deserve the deceit that you have been dealt. Time will numb the pain, if not cure it all together. Good luck. DD
My personal take was I was beaten like a red-headed stepchild through my divorce, and I'm still getting raped. Your son is of age. Period. My advice is to get as much as you can from her as possible. She made the bed. Let her sleep in it. I'd tell the guy's wife everything. I would let the ex know that we are no longer on speaking terms. Frankly, I'd make her feel as crappy as possible. I don't cheat on people, and I loathe those who do. She knew there would be consequences for her actions. Let her know how severe they are.
Sorry to hear all this - best of luck in dealing with it. Stay strong - and if you can settle everything quickly and move on... that may be the best for all parties. I would still speak to a lawyer just in case - you never know whether she really has one or not...
Sorry to hear of your troubles. I know many people that had to start over and they said the same things. Just get out of it as fast as you can because money can be remade but lost time can't. They all seem pretty happy. Remember to look towards the future and don't dwell on the past too much. Concentrate on the good things in your life like your son and everything will be ok. I hope the transition is quick and painless for you. Good luck
You sound like a great man, and I have nothing but respect for the way you're handling this whole situation. And amen to your relationship with you son! I wish more fathers took on that type of role with their sons. And I apologize for the lack of advice, but I'm young and stupid. All I can say is keep on keepin' on, and let this bbs work it's advice magic.
swilikns.....you are the man dawg!! Keep your chin held high, and know that all of us are here for you!!! Take it easy bro!
Things change. . . the rationalism . .the you keep the money sounds good now. . but in 6 months . . it may change keep your records better to be safe than sorry Rocket RIver
My deepest sympathies for you in this situation, as well to your son as it is not easy for a child (no matter what age) to see their parents divorce. This is one of those situations where you put things in God's hands (I apologize if that offends you or anyone). I wasn't married but was engaged once to a girl that was my high school sweetheart and when I found out about her infidelity it hurt me so much, I know that pales in comparison to 21 years of marriage, but I knew I could rely on my family and friends through the rough times. I know the easiest thing is to try to move on right away, but just as it has been posted here several times, be prepared and get the proper documentation on all debts and property. It sounds like you have an amicable agreement with your wife, but that can quickly change if she gets an attorney. As far as the guy, my personal opinion is that his wife has a right to know, because people who cheat, cheat with several people and he could give her an STD. As far as someone posting earlier that you'd be destroying his family, I say he already committed that atrocity the moment he started cheating. My prayers and thoughts go out to you and your son as you start a new chapter in your life. If you need to talk you can email me at: IronM21@aol.com. Good luck and God bless.
i've posted it before, but i'll post again anyway... "and when you look at the sky you know you are looking at stars which are hundreds and thousands of light-years away from you. and some of the stars don't even exist anymore because their light has taken so long to get to us that they are already dead, or they have exploded and collaped into red dwarfs. and that makes you seem very small, and if you have difficult things in your life it is nice to think that they are what is called negligible, which means that they are so small you don't have to take them into account when you are calculating something." -mark haddon the above may or may not help because i know different "things" have different thresholds of pain. anyway... things may have to get a little worse for them to get better, swilkins, but as long as you keep in mind just that... they will get better. take care and best of luck, bro.
I really feel for you swilkins, It is amazing how you seem to handle thing(also with the not drinking, very good move).
I appreciate it. I'm not sure I read this before. It must not be based on my perception, because my mind couldn't fit all those stars up there right now. Update: It was the last night of her last vacation, with the gorlfriends. She only actually knows 1 from many years at work. They travel together and she may or may not be aware of the affair. My wife sent me text messages after I went to bed (11:30-12:30 ish). Her girlfriends cut her off after 3 drinks. Anyway, she's a mess. I know what she did was wrong, but I hate to see her hurt herself and others around her. I think that she needs help. To add a little more history... We separated once before in Oct 2004 (I think). She left, because she was staying out late with her friends and we couldn't come to common grounds. She stayed away for 2 weeks. No communication the 1st week. Then started speaking the second week. She agreed to councelling, so we had a few sessions and she moved back. Apparently, I didn't lock in on the right therapist. She spoke to us like we were kids. She was sweet, but we have some complicated ****. Maybe she was messed up. The room was full of toys. Dealing with crazy kids could drive a person crazy, I'm sure. Things seemed to be decent for about a year, when I posted about selling the house. We then seemed to work things out and got along for months. Well... While she was having the affair. I wondered why she wanted sex with me more. Things were really starting to pick up, if you catch my drift. Then she kinda went into a funk, and then this happened. I appreciate all the legal advice. I am fully prepared to do what I need to do. I hope that others consider it as well.
I'm very impressed by the way you're taking this. You do sound like a grea guy, I feel the biggest lost is on her. From my personnal experience, I would advise you to stay away from her and not try to contact her. She will be the one trying to get back together, but it can only be worse. Move on and don't look back. Anyways, good luck man.
It seems she's very unreliable in making verbal commitments. Start documenting things now. Try not to help clean up her mess or she'll take it as an opening to reneg on your agreements. Not to say that she's devious, but it's just how some people react under emotional and financial pressure as she's in right now. I gotta say that you're an amazing person for not acting on spite and for avoiding alcohol.
Swilkins, I also agree with the others who say you should tell the wife of the other man. She does not deserve to be in the dark about her husband's affairs etc. She has a right to know, I would tell here ASAP. DD
This is very debateable. I have enough to worry about in getting my things in order. He certainly doesn't deserve to get away with what he's doing, but it is his family. My spin is this... I don't know him personally. I don't know his family. If I did, this would be a no brainer. I trust myself to maintain in a crisis. I don't trust how he would handle it. I want him to be removed from this first. If he pursues, then I'll take it as a personal attack and react accordingly. I would love nothing more than to rip him apart, but irrational behavior is not tolerated under the law. Everything has to be calculated. He's not free and clear yet. That doesn't mean I'm planning a revenge. At this point in time, I will not risk the safety of whats left of my family for this idiot. He'll get his, eventually. Most scumbags do.
Swilkins, As you yourself know, and went and got tested, she deserves the same chance to make sure she is clean. There is too much risk involved, and the man could be having multiple affairs. You may think it isn't your business, but turning the other cheek is contributing to his ability to get away with it. You don't know him, but essentially he STOLE something from you, and IMHO, you should help another human being that is getting something stolen from them.....TRUST. DD
