Stay away from her ex. Treat her with respect and love her and she will get over it. Now if the ex comes knocking on your door, then pull out the baseball bat.
The punching bag or hard physical activity is great. Do not retaliate. This would be a terrible mistake. Move forward with your girl -all positive and move past this - This wil still be in the background of the relationship, but it will become less and less important as time with her goes on. Please do not dwell on this past boyfriend. Nothing good can come from being preocccupied with what he did to her. Be supportive and positive in all things to her. you are the man - she is with you now-nothing else matters....
Also remember this. It is more important that you listen to your woman and not try to solve her problems. Women don't want you giving them advice. They just want you to listen and love them.
I agree with what people here are saying. My previous relationship wasn't quite abusive but it was seriously unhealthy, on and off and drained me as a happy person. When I started dating my current bf over a yr ago, I told him these things and asked him to be patient with me. Show her you're not that kind of a person and as hard as it may seem, block the ex out altogether. I gave my bf an analogy of me (this may be lame, but this is how I felt) being like a puppy that was abused. The puppy became timid around people and didn't trust people. So even if a new person has different intentions, the puppy is still scared. It takes time to heal and build that trust up with another perosn. My bf has been really sweet and has endured past all these things with me. Definitely channel your attention to showing her what is a healthy and happy relationship. That is what my bf has done and it's amazing, I thought I was happy before, but I'm even happier now.
Run alot and meditate. Don't confront the guy because as cliche as it sounds violence won't accomplish anything.
No. There is nothing that anyone can do now that will make you feel better. No amount of exercising or boxing or whatever... no amount will ever quench the feelings you have. You must be careful. You must ask yourself if you're willing to commit to this person, knowing that she may never overcome the pain that has been inflicted upon her. You may feel guilty about leaving her for such reasons. That's a tough call. I know it sounds like a crappy thing to do, but you should seriously ask yourself if you are capable of being happy with this chick long-term if she may not be able to ever overcome the trauma. Some pains never go away. They may scar over and, in time, people may get used to the pain (the way a diabetic gets used to the pain of sticking a needle in himself). But, then again, they may never get used to the pain and they may suffer for the rest of their lives. If you decide you want to stay with her, only time, care, and an EXTREME amount of patience on your part will help matters.
Whatever happened between him and her is in the past. The person you need to focus on is you and her. Whats in the past, stays in the past, wasn't your past so let it go. How would you like it if someone came and punched your face in for something stupid you did 5 years ago that had no correlation to them? Its ok to be mad, but just use it back on her. Be like, "baby i would never do that to you. i'll treat you like the princess you deserve to be." rofl.
No need to bring back her trauma by starting stuff with the guy. I would find a place to blow off steam and not let her be witness to it, it will make it worse, and sort of introduce you as a character - another victim - of this guy. It will give him power in her head, to mess with you. Maybe if, as part of your anger, you did something extra-good to her, it would heal her pain a little, and that might be more of a future-focused thing to do - making his presence would fade gradually over time. For her sake, you do not want to further empower this guy by giving him more attention. He is a pile of crap, no need to kick his ass, he will get his. The focus is her, i think - be calm and smart, it will help her to be calm and smart. if you get hysterical, so will she. If she actually has PTSD - nightmares, intrusive memories, avodiing places that remind her, easy startle, etc - there is help out there, and you could point her in that direction - it is fixable.
Thanks for all the responses, guys. When I posted this morning, I didn't expect it'd be on a second page so quickly. Seriously, thanks. Now, to clarify a few things, for the people who posted... As MadMax assumed, I definitely know that kicking this guy's ass, or really confronting him at all, is a bad idea. I'm not gonna do that. That would just be stupid... all it would do would is make me feel better very temporarily. It's just wishful thinking. Like the Ian scene in High Fidelity. Second, as some of you have already surmised, there's no chance I'm leaving this girl. I had dated roughly 8 girls just during the year before I met her, and plenty more before that. I was/am pretty tired of that whole game. It's a whole lotta bull**** for not much return. And you know what? Compared to every other girl I've ever dated... I'm gonna guess around 20... it's just night and day. We match in just about every way... humor, interests, expectations, personalities... no chance I'm leaving her. None. I knew something was up when I saw how conflicted she was around me. She was kinda standoff-ish, but at the same time it was abundantly clear she really liked me. We would just talk for hours and hours... and she'd make a huge effort to make sure I was comfortable, and she would laugh at all my jokes... even the really bad ones. We only started so much as cuddling/kissing a week ago... and noooo, it doesn't normally take me two months to get around to these things and more... but I could tell she wasn't totally comfortable, so I let her go at her own pace. And obviously now I know that sex is one of the things she's traumatized about, so it's a good thing I did. Then it took another week to get to now, when she finally trusted me enough to tell me all this. I get the impression she's told very very few people about the whole thing. As of right now, the plan is to just stick with her and support her. In the meantime, maybe I'll look into a punching bag. Any more suggestions on that front would be most helpful. Oh, and RM95? I **** you not, my first thought was "dammit, I wish I had a fax machine to destroy right about now."
If you are a really horny dude, your girlfriend's indifference/reluctance to sexual intimacy is not inducive to your long term relationship.
WHAT. ****ING. IAN. GUY? There is no problem in this world that one can't find a solution to in Office Space.
Drexlerfan22, she is lucky to have a guy like you. As for the rest of you: if you could be so caring and understanding toward women, maybe you wouldn't be wondering why your relationships never work out.
Oh, it's aaaaaaanything but indifference. We're both young, we're both horny. It's just gonna take her awhile to be able to trust someone like that again, given all that happened. It'll take at least a year to get there, and it might even be a wait-til-marriage thing at this point. It'll happen eventually though... just not right now.
if women could be understanding of my obsessiveness then i wouldn't have to wonder why my relationships never work out.
