[Relationships] How to get out of a bad one...

To leave or not to leave is nobody's business but your own. Good luck with that.

I've left a long-term, live-together relationship before, and my advice would be to plan everything. Determine WHAT happens AFTER the breakup, and start putting things into play to get the ball rolling. If you aren't going to live together anymore, plan where YOU are going to live. If you have joint accounts, start the process of removing your name, ie. paperwork, etc.. Most people plan and think up to the point of telling the other party that the relationship is over. What happens then is you are stuck asking, 'What now?' If you have plans laid out, things in the works, it makes the seperation much quicker. Plus, if there's any paperwork for him to sign, or you tell him that you've already found a place to live, he'll know that it's not just words or a passing thought. Reality check!

 

Isabel;

No offense but reading your relationship posts makes me glad I didn't get married and especially that I didn't get married to a Catholic.

As far as my advice. Get a lawyer and, sorry to be glib, Get R Done. From reading your posts for the last year or so it seems pretty clear to me that your marriage has been over and the only problem is having the courage to go through with divorce. What's the point of being married to someone who you're supporting and makes you miserable and you don't plan on having kids with. Perhaps its because I've never been married and mayb don't put as much stock in the institution as some but to me this doesn't seem a good way for either of you to live your lives.

 

Take him out to a putt putt date and dump him there, Putt Putt is the answer to all dating matters, right Manny?

 

I should post my relationship post and it may make you sad you didn't get married and that you didn't get married to a Catholic.

 

Poor Manny...

 

It sounds to me like your mind is already made up. Break ups are hard, and I'm sure a divorce is much more complicated. I'd reccomend making a clean quick break if I were you, don't let it drag on.

 

Have you tried relationship counseling?

 

Why don't you try the sleeping with his best friend idea. That way one of our boyz gets some hot sex out of it. Then you have a win-win-lose situation. That's not to shabby given the situation. There is no reason a divorce has to be an unhappy event. Go out with a bang. You need put a smile on your face and keep on ticking. It will be the best thing you ever did. Why are you said. It so easy to be happy.

 

It's never easy to break away from something or someone you've been with for what seems like forever...I went through, a good friend of mine is going thru it...It never ends...

I would only suggest you have that leap of faith and just do it...Do what you want for a change and think about yourself and your sanity...Kick him out, whatever it is so he will get out of your life...You don't have kids, so in my opinion, it will be a lot easier, although not without pain...Once there is this distance between the both of you, you'll really know if you made the right decision...

I've been divorced for about 3 months, but not with that person for almost a year, and it was tough, but I can now look back how this was the best thing for me...don't get me wrong, there are times I think about what could have been, but in the end, I'm a much happier person and enjoy myself each and every day...Good luck and hope you do what truly makes you happy...

 

Quick question:

Would you want to stay or leave if "Ferdinand" had a better job?

 

Isabel, based on your criteria, I'm not the best person to give advice. I've been married since '78 to a woman better than I deserve, after living with her, off and on, for about four years before that. We've had some ups and downs, but have been very happy most of the time.

I really wanted to address one thing you mentioned... you said that you talk to him about this every day. God, you two must be miserable! I couldn't take a serious relationship discussion every day if my life depended upon it. You, and Ferdie, will both be better off apart, if for no other reason than getting out of this atmosphere of angst and anguish the two of you have constructed.

I know I've said this before, in one of the other threads you've bravely had about this (and I'm sincere about you being brave to discuss it around here. Some of the jokes can be pretty relentless and in poor taste... my sense of humor is awful!), but it's past time to end this. It is better for you, and better for him, although he won't realize that until much later. Go on with your life and find some happiness. It's out there!

 

That's the sad thing about most relationships that didn't pan out; someone gets hurt, and it's usually one person more than the other. Love and feelings are matters of the heart. I can't say that I was always able to see how the other person was feeling or be compromising in a relationship. That goes with time, and experience. What I do know though, is that it's hard to change within a relationship when it's been that way for years. I can't tell you to break up or not, because that's totally up to you and him and nobody else.

One word of advice on the earlier paragraph that I quoted: think very hard before you decide to make a decision and stick with that decision. Indecisiveness in this situation would not change a thing at all. If he's willing to do anything to save this marriage, you have to make the point straight that it's going to remain that way. If he feels that he's irresistable and that there's no way you'll break up with him, then he'll probably not be worth it at all, but once again, that's my opinion.

The words, "I love you," really should mean more than just a phrase. I have seen many people throw those arounds, whether it's to save a diminishing relationship, or anything else. You can't allow those words to break through any defenses that you've put up unless you know he meant every word of it. I mentioned earlier that breaking up is hard to do, because someone is bound to get hurt and even worse, people around you might have to take sides.

Finally, it's natural to feel like cr@p when you hurt someone emotionally. Every relationship usually ends up with one person committing a hurtful act in order to break things up. You have to know, though, that a clean breakup is usually less painful than one of those that seems to give hope. What I mean is, if you are being oversensitive over breaking up with him, then he might see it as a maybe and continue to be himself, whether with you or with someone else in the future. Furthermore, by staying as "friends" after such a long relationship, he will probably feel that you'll be back together and he might follow you even more; to the point where you feel you're stalked every second of your life. That always causes complications eventually. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be friends, but that you might want to give it some time before having too much interactions again. I've seen too many cases in which being too close with the ex would cause many problems with future relationships and happiness. But that, once again, is really not my business, but just more words of advice. One of my friends once told me, that when she broke up with a guy, it'll take twice as much to have her think about giving him another chance. Take that as it may. If you decide to go through with it, he will definitely be hurt, but you should know that it's what's best for him as well. To live a loveless marriage is not only cheating yourself, but to him and everyone else around as well. It should not keep you from not living your life. Life is too short as it is; as much as there should be a little "cool down" time to put your life in perspective, there should not be any reason for you to punish yourself in order to justify hurting someone. You deserve to be happy too. I hope everything goes well.

 

do you have a large patio and a sturdy shovel?

 

If you're going to feel miserable and guilty for the break, then you're not going to see the opportunities that made divorce so attractive. Instead, you're going to find another needy co-dependent relationship in the future.

It's like you've made this one giant step asserting control in your life only to give up that control for the next guy. I don't mean to offend, but you have posted similar things before in previous threads.

Please don't let the guilt consume you too much. Talk to a trusted friend about it to ground you in reality, and trust their comments. Acknowledge that there aren't "typical" cases for seperation. Ferdinand had special needs. You had unique needs. I sense that you might unconsciously sabotage your future relationships because of that "retribution". I've done it before, and nothing balances out, before or after.

I'm thinking what's driving you to do all of these things is your sense of self worth. Professionally, you're very accomplished, but personally and intimately you need a man to reassert and support you, and you possibly think that marriage was supposed to entail all those trappings. There is no idealistic marriage, and if you do seek future candidates, I hope you can recognize what attracted you so much to Mr. Ferdinand and what Mr. Ferdinand has done. If there is a pattern, then it takes some effort to recognize it.

I hope you don't jump in too quickly back into dating if you do choose seperation. After living with someone else for many years, there's some loss of what you want to do and what you feel. Get back some control and assert it, and a man will definitely come looking for you. In the meanwhile, ground yourself with your core of friends, or actively find a group with common interests.

Living in the same routines after something monumental as will make it easier to relapse and for you to panic into finding another mate ASAP, whether it be Ferdinand or his sequel.

Please don't begrudge yourself beyond irrational means. Most importantly allow yourself to be happy even when things "should be" serious.

My 2 cents....

 

I have no advice to offer because I have no experience with dating, but I just wanted to wish you luck and hope you find the strength inside of you to help you overcome this.

 

I don't think you can change him. The more you try, the more he would resist. Even if he does change, as a result of you trying so hard, it won't last long. We can only control our own behavior.

If you want to leave him, you don't need to justify your decision to anyone. You are the only one who is spending day and night with him, not anyone else. Don't push aside a decision because you don't want other people to think you are the 'bad guy'. You only need to answer to yourself. What do you really want?

If you want to stay in the relationship, you probably have to find other way to relate to him. Whatever you do, ask yourself first, would this bring us closer together, or push as further apart? Don't do anything that would push the relationship further apart, and slowly go from there. If you change your behavior, eventually he may too.

If you have already put him out of your quality world, and the only reason you are staying is because you feel like you need to be justified to leave. If he is really out of your inner world already, then you may as well start conseling with some lawyer or something, and get familiar with the divorce procedure, you know.. those worldly details, which I am completely oblivious.

 

Well if you are leaving him, it is going to suck for both of you. Its good that you are concerned enough to feel that.

As far as working to save the marriage, you would have to work on that, but even if there was a chance of you deciding to save the marriage that wouldn't happen by "letting him fix it" as you put it.

He's already tried that and it hasn't worked. From what it sounds like, Ferdinand is needs to fix himself. He isn't worth being in a relationship in his current condition. Once he fixes himself he might be, and something tells me if he got his act together that would solve a lot of the other problems. Even if it didn't solve anything in your relationship he would still be a much better person for it. Of course for some people hitting rock bottom is the only way to make meaningful changes for themselves in a serious and committed way. You leaving him might be the only thing that gives him the wake up call it will take.

He may not see he's depressed which is why I was wondering if you could let a relationship counselor make that call to him. He might listen to someone who he perceives to have a more subjective view.

I have dumped several times and been dumped twice in my life. I probably didn't ever handle dumping somebody in the best way. In fact I'm pretty sure that I handled it pretty badly most of time. As for the person being dumped, all I can say is give him as much clear and honest information as you can. Tell him everything, and put it plainly and honestly. Don't leave out details to try and spare his feelings. There is no worse feeling than being dumped and you aren't even sure why. It won't be easy for him either way, but the more facts and information he has about it, the more he can start to accept it and move on.

 

I tutor on the side for many middle school to high school students. I've always tried to bring up this point when it comes to female students being dependent. Back then, females feel that they could be supported and be happy, but it's changing rapidly. I've always told them that if they can't support themselves, it's a high possibility that they'll let their counterpart control their lives. I'm glad you're talking responsibility to support yourself. I just find it (don't take offense to this) kind of wrong that you've supported him financially for two years. Sadly, this isn't the only case that I've heard of such a situation. About a month ago, I have a co-worker that was fired from my company on a couple misunderstandings. I've went as far as to find her a job, only to have her tell me about her situation at home. I feel that as a man, he needs to step up and do something about his life instead of sitting at home and watching TV to bypass their days. I don't know why, but I'm getting the sense that he's bilingual, which couldn't hurt him finding a job in Houston. Maybe he can't find anything immediately to support his half of the bills directly, but he should at least find something small to help the costs a little. There's nothing worse than to not only have someone pay their share in a relationship, but to stay at home and hike up the electricity bills by having to turn the AC up in the Houston weather and imitating a housewive on TV.

When my g/f moved here recently, she was job-hunting for a few hours a day without a car. Half the time, she would ask me to drop her off at a shopping center while I go to work so she could pick up applications and pay her share of costs. (I know what some of you are thinking, but no, she's not going around shopping ) After a few weeks, she was able to land a fulltime job, and all of this without a car. I'm not saying it's easy to find a job, but at least I know I can fully appreciate her for putting the effort. And whenever she's at home, she gets everything done in the house knowing that we would be tired coming home from long work hours.

Anyways, not to make you feel worse. I just want you to know that you definitely should deserve better than what you're getting. Whether you take action or not, that's up to you. But for your sake, I hope you either see a drastic change in him or have a happy life otherwise. Take care!