If you know the Darwin Awards, you know that you have to die to win one, thus removing yourself from the gene pool. Here's a story of a winner who is still alive today: LOBSTER VASECTOMY -- 2000 Darwin Award Nominee (Unconfirmed) (2000, England) This tale proves that crime does pay, if you're fishing for elective surgery to go along with your stolen goods. A 24-year-old supermarket shoplifter stuffed five lobsters in his pants and sprinted for the door, but he never had a chance. The violated crustaceans brought the thief to his knees in front of startled cashiers when they fastened their powerful claws around his delicate parts. Doctors were able to remove the animals with pliers. They say the thief will fully recover -- except for one small detail. "It was a do-it-yourself vasectomy." This man's daring supermarket exploits make him one of the few Darwin Award winners to live to tell the tale. The supermarket manager declined to press charges, saying the culprit has already "gone through enough pain (to) learn his lesson." OUCH!! ------------------ Behad Sergeant at Arms of the Clutch BBS
Inspired me to post this email I received today. No idea if it is real or not, but its worthy of repeating... --------------------------------------- This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the Newsletter of the New Zealand equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have walked away with a Darwin Award. Dear Sir: I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down ontome. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry. Daniel A J Angel ------------------ Maybe all the rulers are wrong. Current Rocket's Salary & Contract Info
Davo, That is a loose translation of an English drinking song dating back to Shakespeare's time. Dear sir I write this note to you to tell you of my plight, For at the time of writing it, I'm not a pretty sight, My body is all black & blue, my face a deathly grey, And I write this note to say why I am not at work today. While working on the 14th floor some bricks I had to clear, But tossing them down from such a height, was not a good idea, The foreman wasn't very pleased, he is an awkward sod, and he said I had to cart them down the ladders in me hod. Well clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow, So I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below. But in me haste to do the job, I was too blind to see, That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me. And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead, And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead. I shot up like a rocket, and to my dismay I found That halfway up I met the bloody barrel coming down. Well, the barrel broke me shoulder as to the ground it sped, And when I reached the top, I banged the pulley with me head. But I clung on tightly, numb with shock, from this almighty blow, While the barrel spilled out half its bricks some fourteen floors below. Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor, I then outweighed the barrel & so started down once more. But I clung on tightly to the rope, me body wracked with pain, And halfway down I met the bloody barrel once again. The force of this collision halfway down the office block, Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty case of shock, But I clung on tightly to the rope as I fell towards the ground, And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel had scattered round. Well as I lay there on the floor I thought I'd passed the worst, But the barrel hit the pulley wheel & then the bottom burst. A shower of bricks rained down on me; I didn't have a hope. As I lay there bleeding on the ground I let go the bloody rope. The barrel now being heavier, it started down once more. It landed right across me as I lay there on the floor. It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say, "I hope you'll understand why I am not at work today." ------------------ Everything you do, effects everything that is.
you know that you have to die to win one, thus removing yourself from the gene pool I'll nitpick. You don't have to die to be removed from the gene pool. You just gotta have a lobster lop your member off so you can't make any mini-morons. I wonder if 713-REVERSE works for lobster-inflicted vasectomies?
Uh..jamma You know someone this happened to? I gotta stay away from Lobsters. ------------------ Everything you do, effects everything that is.
My favorite Darwin award from a few years ago. Two men died while driving their cars down a fog-filled street in London, England. They both died of fractured skulls after having an apparent "head-on" collision. It seems the men had both been sticking their heads out of the their windows so that they could see through the fog better. Unfortuantely they were driving opposite ways down a narrow street and died instantaneously when their heads collided at approximately 20 mph. ------------------ There are no stupid questions, only stupid people who ask questions.
Oooooooo, that is good, Ric Smits! ------------------ Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
------------------ I'm about to boldly go where many men have gone before. [This message has been edited by SamCassell (edited April 03, 2001).]
I think Ric Smits was the dunking Dutchman, in that he was from Holland. A Dunking Deutchman would be from Germany. Of course I could be missing a private joke here. ------------------ Maybe all the rulers are wrong. Current Rocket's Salary & Contract Info
